Monday, November 19, 2012

Survivor Series teams that never were

With another Survivor Series in the record books, it's time to take a glimpse at an alternate universe in a new column I call, "Multiverse Monday." This week, let's look at Survivor Series teams that never were, from a time period when the announcers didn't feel the need to call the elimination matches, "traditional" (meaning, "obligatory").

Team Harvey: Giant Gonzalez, Big Bully Busick, Sid Justice, Kim Chee, & Kamala

The formidable Team Harvey, consisting of wrestlers managed by the legendary Harvey Wippleman in 1993 or earlier, naturally would face off against this team...

Team Wippleman: Mr. Hughes, Adam Bomb, Well Dunn, & Kwang
...consisting of wrestlers managed by Wippleman in 1993 or later.


Next up is another five-man team:

Earth, Wind & Fire: Earthquake, The Hurricane, Texas Tornado, Kane, & Bam Bam Bigelow

Their opponents share their love of 70s soul groups:

Cool & The Gang: Carlito Caribbean Cool, Big Daddy Cool Diesel, Too Cool, & One Man Gang

The disciplined military men of Vince McMahon's promotion team up...

ROTC: Corporal Kirchner, John Cena, Bobby Lashley, & Sgt. Slaughter take on a team that values discipline of a different sort.

BDSM: Demolition & The Basham Brothers

These Wrestlecrap inductees unite...

Team Bull$#!+: El Matador, Mantaur, TL Hopper, & "Super Hero In Training" Rosey battle this unstable foursome.

Team Bat$#!+: Mankind, Berzerker, Bob Backlund, & Perry Saturn (w/ Moppy)

This next match provides something for the ladies:

The Male Strippers: The Dicks & Well Dunn

Their opponents take it one step further:

The Male Prostitutes: "Gigolo" Jimmy Del Ray, Shawn Michaels,
The "Doctor of Desire" Tom Prichard, & Meat

The main event of the evening is the grudge match that has been brewing since the mid-1980s.

Team Rock 'n' Wrestling: Junkyard Dog, Hillbilly Jim, Lou Albano, & Hulk Hogan

They take on their formidable AWA counterparts:

Team Wrestlerock: Curt Hennig, Big Scott Hall, & The Midnight Rockers (Shawn & Marty)

I'm Art0Donnell, and I watch old Raws.
You can, too, if you've got the b@//$.
So if you've got questions, quips, or queries,
I'll fill you in at the Survivor Series!


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  2. Reserves in case of injury or if somebody gets fired:

    The Male Prostitutes - Val Venis
    Team Bats--t - Heidenreich

    Unfortunately, I can't think of anyone to fill in for Marty Jannetty in case he gets fired... :P

  3. Great stuff, though Kim Chee wasn't really a wrestler. I'd replace him with The Warlord - he was managed by Harvey Whippleman for a while.