Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Raw #58 - April 11th, 1994

After last week's disgraceful green-screening, Vince McMahon welcomes us to Raw, which emanates live tonight from an arena he is actually standing in. Macho Man is back on commentary tonight, and he's looking to burn Utica to the ground a la Michael Scott. Raw gets colored lights over the ring and a smoke machine tonight. Diesel comes down the aisle with Shawn Michaels to open the show. His opponent in this battle of the bodyguards is the wrestling superstar himself, Virgil.
Michaels's bodyguard starts off by choking Virgil with his boot in the corner. Virgil, however, fights back with an arm wrench and aerial attacks before being caught with a side slam. Vince calls Diesel a "gifted athlete in every respect" while off camera to conceal his tongue in cheek. The future wrestling convention celebrity keeps falling prey to the seven-footer's bear hug as Vince plugs tonight's voting, where fans pick which one of three second-rate (third-rate in the Bushwhackers' case) teams will challenge the Quebecers tonight for the tag titles. A kick to the "pectoral area" puts Mike Jones down, making him an easy victim of the jackknife as Diesel picks up the victory.
Jerry Lawler gets a royal entrance, being carried to the ring on a throne by a team of jobbers, including Duane Gill and the future D'Lo Brown. As The King steps off his throne and attempts to get into the ring, his royal servants drop him. This is the second-most-catastrophic drop D'Lo would make in the 90s.
Lawler fumbles with his crown, which Vince describes as "all messed-up" (but not nearly as messed-up as it was last year), as he awaits Lex Luger on this special in-ring edition of the King's Court. The American Original laughs his way to the ring to Jerry's consternation. Randy describes the King as "horrific," which he believes is a new word combining "horror" and "terrific," but which actually dates back 350 years. Luger sarcastically praises Lawler's entrance, which of course was nowhere near as great as Lex's entrance at Wrestlemania IX (and no, that's not sarcasm). Our host invites his guest to sit down, which he does, but on Lawler's throne. King finally gets down to business, asking Luger about accusations he has made against Mr. Perfect regarding holding a grudge against him and disqualifying him at Wrestlemania. I'll tell you, Mr. Perfect might be able to shoot a basketball, but unlike a basketball, Hennig can hold a grudge. Luger says that Perfect wasn't man enough to confront him face-to-face in private about his "beef" before Wrestlemania. He challenges Mr. Perfect and says that he is more motivated than ever to win the title (which he won't, ever).

Sparky Plugg takes on his future Underdogs teammate Barry Horowitz, wearing him down with arm drags and arm bars while Macho Man speculates on the whereabouts of the Undertaker. Perhaps, suggests Randy, that he is in Worcester, Massachussetts tracking down the guy who hit Barney the Dinosaur. Mr. Perfect calls in to the broadcast while a mild "Barry!" chant echoes throughout the arena. Horowitz hits a reverse DDT on Plugg, who kicks out of a pin after a count of one; had Barry put on overalls and dubbed the move, "The Slop Drop," he would have had much more success. Macho Man criticizes Perfect for not showing up to Raw in person. He defends himself, saying that he was "trying to biased." That error, combined with Savage's supposed coinage of the word, "horrific," does not positively portray the literacy of the WWF Superstars. Horowitz whips Plugg to the buckle and charges him, but stops short of Sparky's boot. He then charges again and once more stops short of the boot, but acts like Thurman Plugg did make contact because of kayfabe. The race car driver then hits his top-rope knee drop finisher, once called the "Overhead Cam," for the victory.
The Quebecers are shown backstage at the WWF Hotline Headquarters, while their three sets of potential opponents get pumped up backstage.

Johnny Polo, wearing a bandage on his forehead to sell an injury suffered at the hands of a baseball on All-American Wrestling (to the extent that a baseball can be said to have hands), accompanies the tag team champions to the ring, walking a long aisle suggesting that this is the largest arena yet for Monday Night Raw (which, with a 5,700 capacity, it is). The lights go out in the arena, building suspense for the reveal of the Quebecers' mystery opponents. The repetitive drum track that plays over the PA indicates that Men on a Mission have won tonight's polling. Oscar raps about winning the titles from the champions (accidentally), then losing them two nights later. Oscar sounds to be nearly out of breath by the time he leads the crowd in a call-and-response of "Whoomp! There it is." Pierre sneaks into the ring to try to ambush Mo, whom he misses by a mile on his way to knock Polo off the apron as Raw goes to break.

When Raw returns, Mo and Pierre trade moves until Mo tags in the future King of the Ring. After getting roughed up by the 500-pounder, Pierre tags in Jacques, who tries to wear down the big man with stomps, punches, and face rakes. Pierre tags back in to try to topple Mabel by coming off the ropes, only to be caught with a sidewalk slam. He tags in Mo for some reason, who pins Pierre while the referee is distracted with the future Viscera slowly exiting the ring. this gives Pierre time to escape, tag in Jacques, corner Mo, and tag back in.
The champions are still in control when Raw returns, even hitting a double stun-gun on Mo (not to be confused with the shock stick Jacques used to electrocute Bret Hart). Pierre lays Mo across the second rope for a guillotine splash, but a second attempt of the move leads to the French-Canadian being back body-dropped over the tope rope. Pierre prevents the hot tag temporarily, but Mo eventually tags in... with the referee distracted, resulting in Mabel being sent back to the apron. Mabel does tag in a few seconds later. A splash by Big Daddy V misses, allowing Jacques to slam Pierre off the top rope and into Mabel. Jacques pulls his partner onto Mabel with the referee's back turned, but Mo does the same thing for his own partner, who gets a two-count on Pierre. Mabel then tags in Mo, who whips him into Pierre for a big corner splash. Mo puts the Quebecer in a small package, but Mabel takes too long leaving the ring, distracting the ref and allowing Jacques to overturn the roll-up. After an eternity, Earl Hebner sees the pin and counts, only to get a two. Mo then charges at Jacques, who is in the ring but evades the Man on a Mission, sending Mo to the outside, where he falls into the guard rail. Johnny Polo starts stomping the smaller Man on a Mission, drawing Mabel's attention as he slams the New England manager. While Mabel circles the ring, though, the Quebecers hit a double-team senton splash, allowing Pierre to pin Mo and retain the titles. 
Next week, Bret Hart proves that he is willing to defend the title against anyone by facing Kwang, the "martial arts master" (an example of an informed ability).
In the ring, IRS reminds the fans to pay their taxes, singling out Tatanka specifically for not paying the gift tax on his recently-received headdress. Again, I remind the readers that gifts, income, property, and anything else that is taxable are not taxed until the year following their receipt. You would think that a successful businessman like Vince would know that already. We get one last look at Jerry falling off his throne as we close out this first-ever maneuver-less Raw (barring the Vince-less episode last March).

Final tally:

0 Maneuvers (Year total: 48)

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