Thursday, November 29, 2012

Raw #60 - April 25th, 1994

It's Raw episode #60, and How Much Does This Guy Weigh? post #100! The Macho Man opens Raw by telling Nikolai Volkoff to "come on down" a la Rod Roddy of the Price is Right. His mic isn't broadcasting over the PA, though, so Nikolai, who is Jerry Lawler's guest on the King's Court tonight, does not hear him. Razor Ramon, who defends the Intercontinental title this weekend against Diesel, faces Jeff Jarrett in a non-title match to open the show.
Just don't put Lou Albano's name
on one of these. The man never
cut himself with a razor blade
in his life.

Jarrett, who spends his free time watching re-runs of Hee Haw, according to McMahon, enters first, followed by the champion himself. Razor, we are told, defeated Adam Bomb this past weekend with a Razor's Edge. Ramon hands his chains over to Tony Chimel. Jarrett gets in the "Italian guy's" face, only to get the Bad Guy's toothpick. The two go through a feeling-out process until Razor catches Jarrett on an attempted cross body block, countering with a Beautiful Maneuver (#1 - fallaway slam). "One of Razor Ramon's signature moves that he has!" says Macho rather redundantly before praising the new "Double Feature" split screen graphic. Double J goes outside and takes a "hyenus," in the words of Savage, which is "in the same family" as a hiatus. He pulls Razor out of the ring, throws him into the steps, and clotheslines him onto the floor. With Ramon caught in a sleeperhold, Vince is sure that a victory over Razor would shoot Jarrett right to the top of the Nashville Network. Razor escapes the sleeper with elbows to the gut as we go to break.
When Raw returns from break, Ramon nearly pins his opponent with a sunset flip, but Double J pops up and knocks down the champion with a clothesline before catching him in yet another sleeperhold standing in the middle of the ring. The Bad Guy tries reaching for the ropes, but gets worn down and grounded. Vince comments on how much of a nightmare it would be for Razor if he were to be put to sleep right here on Monday Night Raw. That's not so bad, really; I get put to sleep by Raw half the time since they expanded to three hours. Razor rises up and hits a belly-to-back suplex on Double J for his second Maneuver (#2) of the night. Jarrett kicks out of the subsequent pin but then telegraphs a back body drop, being met with a series of punches by the IC champ. Jarrett pulls Razor out of the ring by the tights before Shawn Michaels comes down to ringside to taunt the Ladder Man (as Gorilla Monsoon called him the other week). Razor clocks Michaels, then catches Jarrett with a punch to the gut as the country singer tries an axe-handle off the apron. After the two competitors re-enter the ring, Macho Man calls Razor a "One Man Gang" as he clotheslines Jarrett back out. Razor then pulls HBK into the ring and tries to put him in the Razor's Edge. Diesel pulls Shawn down and gives Razor a big boot, drawing a disqualification. Michaels's bodyguard then hits Ramon with the jackknife, which Savage calls a "devastating maneuver" as an homage to McMahon, followed by a second powerbomb as he and Michaels celebrate and taunt the champion with his own belt.

Diesel and Michaels have a word with McMahon as they stand backstage. Diesel promises to beat Ramon for his title, speaking without his Vinnie Vegas accent. Bam Bam enters the ring with his main squeeze to take on Tony Devito while Vince McMahon tells Macho about Amy Carter (Jimmy's daughter) postponing her wedding. Bam Bam takes a shoulderblock from Devito, but then fights back with a dropkick and a chinlock. Jack Tunney is on the line, who announces his intention to conduct a thorough investigation of the activities of Diesel, Shawn Michaels, and Jeff Jarrett, cementing his position as boring figurehead authority figure. He also announces that the Quebecers will defend the tag titles on Raw next week against the Headshrinkers. Meanwhile, Bam Bam wins with a falling head butt.
"Vic" McMahon speaks with Johnny Polo and the Quebecers, who are angry about their mandatory title defense against their former friends, the Headshrinkers. I don't remember the two teams ever interacting, but they were all heels, so they must have been, right? This was back when all the heels were automatically aligned with each other, like the Legion of Doom (not the Road Warriors; the Super Friends villains).

The Heavenly Bodies take on two jobbers in a match which started during the commercial break. Vince informs us that last week's Raw was the highest-rated episode in the program's history. This German website seems to back this claim up, although the supposed "3.7" score means that last week's episode did a better rating than any modern Raw in the past year and a half. I guess the reason why 2012 Raw is in a slump is its lack of Kwang. Vince plugs the ongoing Wrestlemania Revenge Tour, which has recently made stops in Cleveland and Cincinnati, which are rather far away from Utica, where Raw has been held for the past few weeks. It's as if Raw taped three shows in one night two weeks ago and has just been showing pre-recorded footage on Monday nights since then. Vince apologizes to fans for Mr. Perfect's withdrawal from the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour, where he had been slated to face Lex Luger, whom he cheated out of the title at Wrestlemania X. As punishment for no-showing, Perfect has been suspended and will miss the rest of the tour, not to wrestle again in the WWF until 2002 (This is like being expelled from school for truancy). Yes, the WWF cares about its fans so much that when some of them don't get to see a scheduled wrestler, it makes sure that no fans will ever be able to see that wrestler. With no Perfect-Luger matches, the Yokozuna-Lex Luger match, with its multiple nerveholds and screwjob finish, has been rendered completely pointless. In reality, Mr. Perfect would continue to nurse (or milk) his back injury until 1997, collecting hefty sums from his insurance policy.
Meanwhile, there is a match going on. Jim Cornette gloats into the camera until the jobber team gets a hot tag. In comes Jason Heddings, a "Double J lookalike" (says Macho). He is quickly caught with a double-team move by the Bodies which is quite a Maneuver (#3). Del Ray lets Jason out of the pin so that he and Tom Prichard can hit a double-team powerbomb/neckbreaker. Heddings gets cornered, allowing Cornette to rub his fluffy tennis racket cover into his face. Del Ray gyrates, showing off his flabby midsection, which Vince finds revolting. Macho Man calls him the "Doctor of Desire" and, when corrected by Vince that he is actually the "Gigolo," says, "Good. I'm glad I messed it up!" The Bodies continue to tag in and out. they hit finisher after finisher, but each pin attempt comes up short. It's like Ring of Honor, except the Bodies are intentionally letting them kick out. Case in point: Del Ray hits a a Maneuver (#4), a moonsault assisted by Prichard, but then lets Heddings out at two. They then hit a double-team flapjack, followed by a Gigolo moonsault, a High-Risk Maneuver (#5). Finally the Bodies get a three count after that Impressive Maneuver (#6).

Jerry Lawler hosts the King's Court, where this week, he interviews not a WWF superstar, not a millionaire, but "a guy who's about eight dollars shy of having thirty cents," Nikolai Volkoff. This man, says Lawler, "slid down the ladder of success so fast, he got splinters in his rear end." Unfortunately, Scott Steiner is not available for comment. The future Baltimore County code enforcement officer steps over the guard rail as Lawler introduces him as "a man who has a suit for every day of the year, and this is it." Volkoff, in Lawler's words, raised himself up from the gutter but then got homesick. Nikolai takes the mic and admits that he made bad investments and lost lots of money, but he still knows how to wrestle. Lawler calls Volkoff a bum asking for a handout before telling him to sit down. Volkoff says he'd be glad to sit among hard-working people, then leaps over the turnbuckle and walks back to his seat.
The 123 Kid faces Duane Gill, another of Lawler's throne-bearer. Gill starts off wrenching the Kid's arm, but the Kid counters. Gill stays on the Kid, nonetheless, throwing him out of the ring. The Kid launches himself back into the ring with a Maneuver (#7 - diving clothesline). The two future Light Heavyweight champions continue to battle it out, with the Kid wearing down Gill with a series of kicks as Macho Man plugs To the Ends of the Earth, which Vince tells viewers is airing Wednesday night at 9/8 Central on USA, chastising Macho for reading only the first part of the promo copy. The Kid beats gill with a spinning heel kick. 
We see a video of a deli worker who explains his Undertaker sighting. After handing Taker his "six foot wedge" (Get it? Six feet?), the Dead Man vanished. Undertaker is going to have some explaining to do when he does return to the WWF, having just taken a sizable amount of food from a small business without even paying. Vince references the Undertaker's "six-foot wedgie," then announces that Owen Hart has a match up next. I think McMahon might have Taker confused with Ahmed Johnson
Owen takes on veteran Raw jobber Rich Myers. Vince reminds Savage that Owen's brother Bret won the King of the Ring last year. Owen slaps Myers hard as Vince suggests that Owen could beat Bret on the Wrestlemania Revenge tour for the WWF title. "I think the Rocket has his brother's number!" I would hope so, since they're family. Vince also sends his condolences to the NIxon family after the former president's recent death. Myers gets a brief flurry of offense in near the end of the match, but after Owen stops short of a Myers dropkick, the jobber gets locked in the Sharpshooter as the Rocket picks up the submission win.
Captain "Louis" Albano joins the commentators and gives them a big hug while hyperactively celebrating the Headshrinkers' upcoming title shot. Johnny Polo comes to ringside to berate Lou for being old, but Savage restrains the Quebecers' manager to allow Albano to get a free shot. The Quebecers then come down to ringside as Raw goes off the air.

Final Tally:

7 Maneuvers (Year total: 59)

1 comment:

  1. The link to Lou Albano cutting himself with a razor blade redirects to the blogger homepage.