Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Raw #55 - March 21st, 1994

Tonight, for the first time ever, Raw is airing live the night after a pay-per-view, thanks to Wrestlemania X taking place in New York City. Tonight's episode is in Poughkeepsie, the new de facto home base of Monday Night Raw. The Macho Man is back on commentary after having defeated Crush last night (after nine consecutive losses in falls-count-anywhere matches on house shows). New WWF champion Bret Hart will be interviewed tonight.

The Bushwhackers, who last night lost a dark match to the Heavenly Bodies in a minute and a half, take on the tag team champions The Quebecers, who retained the title last night by losing to Men on a Mission via countout. I remind you that the Steiner Brothers are still under contract. The New Zealanders start off the match with their usual wacky antics, Irish whipping their opponents into each other and biting their behinds. Vince McMahon takes the opportunity to apologize for the cancellation of the ten-man tag team match last night, which will instead be held in two weeks on Raw. The Bushwhackers, whom Vince calls "the most lovable tag team combination in all the WWF," keep Jacques in their corner, where one of the tag team belts inexplicably rests.
During the commercial break, an ad airs for Major League II, a film starring future Raw Social Media Ambassador Charlie Sheen. When Raw returns, the tag team champions have the match in hand, isolating Luke in their corner. They double-team the Bushwhacker with a Maneuver (#1 - body slam of Jacques onto Luke). Butch breaks up the pin, prolonging the match further. You can't blame Butch, considering how long it will likely be before his team gets on live TV again. The French-Canadians continue to dominate the New Zealanders, prompting Jacques to taunt the fans by disparaging the USA. Pierre tags in and launches off the middle rope onto a prone Luke, who gets his foot up in time to boot the big Canadian in the face as he lands on his feet. This is the fourth time in five episodes that this spot has been done, but it is a Nice Maneuver (#2) nonetheless. Luke gets the hot tag to Butch, who mows down the champions. Vince calls the Bushwhackers a throwback to the Cro-Magnon or Java eras (which are not actually eras, but geographical locations in France and Indonesia where ancient human skeletons have been found). Macho Man mistakes this caveman joke for an age joke, speculating that the Kiwi team is dating the Lennon sisters. Luke and Butch are 47 and 49, respectively, at this time. Luke chases Johnny Polo around the ring, where he is brought onto the apron by Butch, then knocked into the guard rail as Pierre runs into Butch and pins him for the win.
Jacques gets rammed again.


Vince gets an interview with the Quebecers and Johnny Polo, who are quickly interrupted by Captain "Louis" Albano, who challenges the champions to a title match with a tag team combination Lou will put together. Hopefully, it will consist of Rocky "The Rock" Melvin and the Native American Tanaka.

Themis Klarides greets us as Raw returns. We are then taken to tax advice by IRS before returning to the ring, where future ECW wrestler Chris Hammrick (spelled with two r's tonight) awaits Tatanka, who has yet to pay the gift tax on his new headdress (which, having been given to him in 1994, would not be taxed until this time next year). Vince reports that Bill Clinton was in Miami yesterday, the same time that the president was at Wrestlemania in MSG. He speculates that one of those two Clintons was a lookalike. The match gets under way with lots of Irish whips and running the ropes. Hammrick gets tossed around like a rag doll in this match, even taking one of his famous Ha(m)mrick Bumps through the ropes to the arena floor. Tatanka brings Hammrick back into the ring for more punishment as Vince praises Wrestlemania X, where fans saw everything there was to see (except, he notes, the ten-man tag). Hammrick gets wound up with an arm wrench by the Native American, sort of like Lex Luger is wound up (Vince's segue, not mind) after being cheated out of the WWF title by Mr. Perfect. Hammrick gets in some last minute offense, only for his telegraphed Maneuver (#3 - corner attack) to be countered as Tatanka moves out of the way and goes on the warpath. He hits Papoose to Go to finish off Hammrick in a very long squash match.
After another Wrestlemania report by Todd Pettengill, Diesel enters to take on a jobber named Lucia. The match begins during the break. The Macho Man talks about being "up all night" with Rhonda Shear, having "rocked her world." Diesel drops Lucia head-first into the top turnbuckle; "looks like snake eyes to me," says Randy, possibly referencing Nash's WCW gimmick, Vinnie Vegas. Diesel wins with a jackknife.

Bret Hart steps into the ring for an interview conducted by Vince McMahon, which is what used to happen before wrestlers cut promos by themselves in the ring. I guess when Raw went to two hours in 1997, they could afford to have people come into the ring unannounced and launch into diatribes of indefinite length. Vince reflects on the previous night's main event, which saw Yokozuna knock himself out after losing his balance in the worst finish to a Wrestlemania main event since the year before. Bret vows to take on all challengers. He has already topped the previous baby face champion in that department merely by showing up with the title on Raw. Vince, who sounds hoarse, asks Bret about his loss to his brother Owen earlier at Wrestlemania. Bret says that things are different now that he has the WWF title and paraphrases that supremely overrated Rolling Stones song, saying that you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you just get what you need (as in the title). A clip of Burt Reynolds airs, where he calls Wrestlemania the second-greatest feeling of his life (presumably behind a ten thousand-way tie for first place shared by times he has had sex).
Double J faces Koko B. Ware, who is no longer stuck in 1992, but instead in 1990, having reverted back to his old theme music to differentiate himself from Owen Hart. Koko is still wearing his old High Energy gear. Speaking of wearing the same old clothes, Nikolai Volkoff is at ringside again. The WWE Hall of Famer Ware locks up with the future TNA Hall of Famer Jeff Jarrett. The Birdman knocks down Jarrett with a series of shoulder blocks, frustrating the country singer, who last night was dropped from the Wrestlemania card. Jarrett hits an elbow with a lot of "impact" and proceeds to dominate the rest of the match with body slams. Macho Man calls Mr. Perfect's disqualification of Lex Luger "the most controversial move in the history of the World Wrestling Federation" (except of course, for the Rocker Dropper that paralyzed that guy in 1990). Koko avoids a flying knee-drop from Jarrett to mount a comeback, but telegraphs a back body drop and gets caught with a DDT (seemingly Double J's finisher at this time) for the loss. Jarrett then comes to the announce table to demand a title shot from Bret Hart, getting in Macho's face. The two tease a brawl, but Vince restrains Randy, who brandishes his fists while standing on the table. Randy eventually steps into the ring and, with the help of Koko B. Ware, throws Jarrett from the ring.

Next week will feature more of the snubbed superstars of Wrestlemania X, with the 123 Kid in action. Also, the former Narcissist Lex Luger takes on The Model Rick Martel (also dropped from the Wrestlemania card), and Owen Hart is in action. Vince and Macho share a celebratory double high five as they sign off.


Final tally:

3 Maneuvers (Year total: 33)

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