Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Raw #50 - January 31st, 1994

This week's Raw is the first one filmed after the Royal Rumble, meaning that they're finally going to advance the post-Rumble storyline. The Wrestlemania title picture will be decided by the flip of a coin, apparently one with Lex and Bret's faces on either side. Considering Luger's patriotic mega-push this past summer, I'm surprised that Vince didn't petition the U.S. Mint to actually put Lex on a real coin.
We're back in Bushkill, PA in the Poconos as Vince is joined by guest commentator IRS. Ten dollars say that his first sentence has something to do with tax cheats. He tells Vince to let the tax cheats know what will happen to the loser of tonight's coin toss (yes!). According to Irwin, the loser gets two Buffalo Bills t-shirts (the Bills having lost their fourth consecutive Super Bowl the previous night). He then tells the winners of the recent Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes to pay their fair share of taxes.

Marty Jannetty's music hits as he comes down the aisle, led by the 123 Kid, Johnny Polo's scheduled opponent, who is coming to ringside on crutches. IRS should tell the Kid not to let his parents claim him as a dependent on their tax returns. As the Kid comes to the announcers' table, Vince tells the audience that he was injured recently, though he fails to mention that he sustained the injury after being eliminated by Diesel in a Royal Rumble match at the recent MSG house show. Although the 123 Kid did not get to compete at the Royal Rumble PPV, his tag team partner Marty Jannetty pulled double-duty, participating in the Rumble match and portraying the Undertaker's soul, which levitated to the arena ceiling.
Johnny Polo grabs the mic and says that the "fraidy-cat wussy-boy" is faking his injury to avoid a match with Polo. Marty Confetti then picks up the microphone, but clotheslines Polo instead of speaking. He then wraps the microphone cable around the legs of Johnny Polo, or as Vince calls him, Marty Jannetty. Polo then comically takes swings at Marty, only to trip back to the ground. Marty then literally pulls Polo's leg via the mic cable, leading Johnny to flee the ring and attempt to leave the arena. Instead, he takes a back body drop onto the arena floor and is brought back into the ring. Polo then grabs Jannetty's tights and pulls him to the outside for our first Maneuver of the match, which is countered by Jannetty with a Nice Maneuver (#2) wherein he lands on his feet, unbeknownst to his opponent. The former Rocker then climbs the top rope, from which he lands a flying body press on the future Raven. After a pin attempt that saw Johnny put his foot on the rope, the New Englander sneaks behind Jannetty to knee him to the outside.

When we come back from break, Polo has Marty in a reverse chinlock. The Kid speaks for the first time this match, prompting IRS to tell him to shut up. Jannettty escapes and charges at Polo, only to be caught with a botched back body drop that causes Marty to land inside the ring and tumble to the outside. He then hits an axe-handle off the apron, then hits another one in the ring off the second rope, after which he does a funky celebratory dance. The men then exchange shoulder blocks. Marty then gets a near-fall with a sunset flip. Polo responds by kicking him in the face, then sitting on him, only for his pin attempt to be reverse by Jannetty for another two-count.
Vince then explains the rules of the coin toss, wherein the winner gets the first title shot against Yokozuna and the loser faces "suitable competition" (Lex vs. Crush or Bret vs. Owen Hart) and later faces the winner of the first title match. In other words, the "loser" of the coin toss wrestles one match that he doesn't have to win, then gets an automatic title shot against a WWF champion who has already wrestled that night.

Polo launches off the top rope on Jannetty, who is lying on the mat. For whatever reason, Polo goes for an axe-handle smash, leading Jannetty to lift his boot up and kick Polo in the face. Jannetty then lets loose a flurry of offense, including ten turnbuckle smashes across the three turnbuckles. Jannetty puts Polo on the top turnbuckle for a superplex, gets pushed off, then shakes the ropes to crotch the Quebecers' manager. However, a charge by Jannetty into Polo backfires as Marty hits the ring post shoulder-first. Regardless, he hits a Rocker Dropper on Johnny, the same move that paralyzed Charles Austin three years ago, resulting in a lawsuit that would lead to Jannetty's firing next week. Despite all that, Vince still calls it a Nice Maneuver (#3) which finishes off Polo for the 1-2-3. Ironically, it's IRS who says that the move should be outlawed. The Kid then accuses IRS of stealing Razor's gold chains and gets pushed over for his troubles. Jannetty makes the save, creating a melee (which Vince McMahon correctly pronounces for once!) with IRS while the Kid sneaks off with Irwin's briefcase. Maybe the Kid can be the new Repo Man.

After the break, IRS is still standing at ringside being restrained by officials as Pat Patterson tells him to get back to his position. How many times do you think Patterson has said that? IRS cannot find his briefcase and is livid. IRS storms off the set, only to be greeted by Marty Jannetty and Razor Ramon, who is wearing his long-lost gold chains. At least he gets his briefcase back.
IRS calls Marty Jannetty and the 123 Kid thieves for stealing the contents of his briefcase. Mr. Excitement himself, Jack Tunney, gives a pre-recorded announcement about Wrestlemania, claiming that this year's event will be the first Wrestlemania in which the WWF title is defended not once, but twice (as long as you ignore past events like, say, Wrestlemania IX the previous year). He then shows graphics of the two possible scenarios, depending on the outcome of the coin toss. If Wrestlemania X ad taken place a few years later, a three-way match would have been a no-brainer. Tunney also announces that a special guest referee would be assigned to each match.
Bam Bam Bigelow takes on Miguel Rosado (or Michael Pink, to those of you who don't habla espaƱol). IRS challenges Marty Jannetty to what would be his final Raw match of the year, as he would be fired for the third consecutive February. Bam Bam launches Rosado across the ring with a press slam, then shouts "I Want Doink!" He then lands a series of headbutts, followed by a Maneuver (#4 - kick to the head) and another headbutt for the victory.
Up next we get the much anticipated and exciting flipping of a coin by Jack Tunney. We get a look at the coin (an Eisenhower silver dollar, to be exact) to make sure that it has both heads and tails. Vince brings out Lex and Bret to provide a diversion while Tunney switches to a two-headed coin. Lex calls heads as Tunney flips the coin, which coincidentally lands on heads, meaning that Lex faces a fresh 600-pound Yokozuna. Bret says that he regrets having to face his brother Owen. If he's against fighting his brother so much, he should just get counted out immediately and go into his title match fresh.
Where's my Luger coin?

Kwang makes his Raw debut. Kwang, who hails from "The Orient" (presumably the name of a barrio in Puerto Rico), takes on Rich Myers, who hails from Jessup, Maryland (and not Timonium, Maryland, as he was billed before). Kwang wears a mask that covers his eyes entirely, which is a wise decision if he wants to hide the fact that he's not actually Asian. Kwang hits a spinning heel kick, the quality of which can be matched only by Savio Vega, then spits red mist into the air. Owen Hart gets on the phone, claiming that he is the real winner of the coin toss, since he now gets to face Bret at Wrestlemania and plans to hurt his brother so badly that he won't make it to the main event. Myers misses a High-Risk Maneuver (#5 - body press off the second rope), then gets hit with a savate kick, leading to a Kwang victory.

Todd Pettemgill gives us our first Wrestlemania report, showing off his Wrestlemania X jacket and hat, claiming to be "lookin' fly." He then advertises tickets to watch Wrestlemania from the Paramount Theater at MSG, where Macho Man will celebrate after beating Crush. Todd then hypes up the "unprecedented first" of having two WWF title matches at one Wrestlemania, a claim which is not only redundant, but false. Todd will be here every week to give updates on Wrestlemania. Goody. We are then promised a "very special look at the Undertaker," who is shown as transparent on the graphic (since he's a ghost right now).
A clip from Superstars airs in which Paul Bearer stands in a dark graveyard and delivers a rambling, high-pitched speech about the Undertaker returning.
Pennsylvania's own Corey Student gets a mild ovation from the crowd before Earthquake makes his return to the WWF after a yearlong absence. This makes Earthquake the Raw rookie in this match, as it is his first appearance on the live show. Vince gets word in his ear that Marty Jannetty has accepted IRS's challenge for next week's Raw. The Quake-ster toys with Student as Vince promotes the USA World Premiere Movie, Dangerous Heart, which IRS says he might watch. Vince says that Student, and I quote, "is being squashed" before Earthquake delivers a leg drop, powerslam, and Earthquake Splash for the victory.
Razor and Marty Jannetty appear on the split screen as Vince asks Marty about his match next week with Razor Ramon (he means IRS). Jannetty says that IRS won't beat him without the "help of your stinkin' government." Sadly, Marty's new anarchist gimmick would not last, as he would be fired the following week.
The crowd chants "Irwin" as we return to wrap up Raw. Vince announces the Raw debut of Thurman Plugg ("his friends call him 'Sparky'"), as well as Owen Hart and the Smoking Gunns in action and the main event of IRS vs. Marty Jannetty. As Raw goes off the air, we see a replay of the 123 Kid stealing IRS's briefcase, leading Schyster to finally realize what happened earlier tonight.

Final tally:

5 Manuevers (year total: 19)

1 comment:

  1. I don't get why you keep calling Johnny Polo a New Englander when he's billed from Palm Beach, FL (Scott Levy's legit hometown from the age of about 12).