|"Siam is the biggest country in the world, brother!"|
From New York, it's Monday Night Raw! Whatcha gonna do?
Did I mention that this show is not live?
Vince McMahon alludes to last week's hour-long Elvis impersonation by Rob Bartlett and tells us that Elvis is definitely dead. Bartlett pretends to be excited about Rick Martel vs. Mr. Perfect. We get an awkward jump cut to Money Inc.'s entrance. What happened to "uncut"?
Virgil is sporting his red and white striped tights. Shouldn't Brutus Beefcake be the one with tights that look like a barber pole? Back in the day, my brother had a Virgil action figure, even though I had no idea who he was. His finishing move, according to Hasbro, was the "Bodyguard Bash," a punch that required you to pull his spring-loaded right arm straight back like a pinball shooter and release it, unleashing a blow so powerful it almost justified the severing of Virgil's arm and shoulder from the rest of his body. Will we see the Bodyguard Bash tonight against Money Inc.?
IRS grabs the mic and thanks new President Clinton for making all the tax cheats pay their fair share. Gee, do you think Vince voted for in 1992? Bartlett wonders if El Matador will take Ted DiBiase's ear as a trophy. It's a shame El Matador didn't stick around the WWF longer. The bullfighter could have easily feuded with Mantaur and broken box office records. Rob Bartlett speculates that Virgil and Montel Williams are the same person. That makes Bartlett a "perfect" 3 for 3 in confusing black wrestlers with other black celebrities. Koko B. Ware is Gary Coleman, Kamala is Nell Carter, and Virgil is Montel Williams. I shudder to think what he'll say about Papa Shango.
No mention is made of the fact that Virgil was Ted DiBiase's manservant for four years. Amnesia is not a new affliction for WWE announcers. We are told, though, that the Nasty Boys have voluntarily stepped aside and allowed the Mega-Maniacs one shot at the tag team titles at Wrestlemania. The number of people screwed by Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania IX is currently two, and that number will certainly rise by the time we get to the event.
|This fan gets chummy with The Million Dollar Man.|
Tonight's Raw is uncooked, uncensored, and uncut (despite being taped and edited). Randy Savage comments that the announce team finally said that slogan correctly, remarking that there's a "first time every time" (I don't know what that means, but it probably has to do with Stephanie McMahon). Although his team dominates most of the match, Virgil gets caught with a belly-to-back suplex by IRS for the Money Inc. victory.
We get a recap of Tatanka's two recent pinfalls on IC Champion Shawn Michaels: a non-title win on Superstars and a six-man tag victory on Raw. Tatanka beat Shawn with a sunset flip Maneuver (which, as a replay, doesn't count for my tally.)
The Model Rick Martel shows up and decides to be a Raw girl himself. It's hard to tell what Martel's gimmick is supposed to be without that giant button. Fortunately, Rick clarifies: "Nobody can model better than The Model!"
Tatanka shows up after the commercial to take on Phil Apollo. Rick Martel has vanished into thin air. Tatanka softens up Apollo with a series of chops. Ethnic Wrestling Rule #2: If you're Native American, you do chops, because you've grown up your whole life swining a tomahawk (Rule #1 is that if you're Asian or Asian-looking, you do chops because you're a martial arts expert). Shawn Michaels is on the phone and claims Tatanka got lucky in their previous matches, comparing him to a new gambler. Whether this is a reference to Indian casinos or to Wrestlemania IX at Las Vegas's Caesar's Palace is anyone's guess. Tatanka finishes Apollo off with more chops and a Samoan drop.
|"Things are looking up." - Macho Man|
Mean Gene brings us the Wrestlemania IX Report, advertising the Mega-Maniacs/Money Inc. tag title match as one half of a "double main event." Hogan doesn't wrestle unless it's the main event. "The greatest Wrestlemania ever just got better," says Mean Gene. Meanwhile, regarding the actual main event, Bret Hart and Yokozuna cut promos on each other. These two have yet to even be on screen at the same time. Okerlund fails to acknowledge The Undertaker's streak (2-0 - unbelievable!). When we go back to the ring, Rick Martel is kicking out yet another Raw girl. Papa Shango is in action next. Oh dear Lord.
Shango squares off against Mike Edwards. Bartlett is so paralyzed with fear that he doesn't even compare Shango to some other black celebrity. With Shango working his voodoo magic in the ring, it's uncut, uncensored, and uncooked. Vince notes Papa Shango's tattoos (which look an awful lot like the tattoos of the Supreme Fighting Machine Kama). As Shango toys with his opponent, Vince asks his colleagues their predictions for tonight's main event. "Didn't you tell me Perfect was going to win?" asks Bartlett. Kayfabe, Rob. Kayfabe. Shango wins after an inverted shoulder breaker, which you Sega Genesis players might recall as his finishing move.
|Amazingly, Rob Bartlett did not think this girl was Raven-Symoné.|
Bob Backlund marches down to the ring to his classic theme music to face Tony DeMoro, who looks suspiciously like a future WWF Superstar. He isn't, but he looks like one. This match reminds me of Sheamus's debut, where I mistook him for the jobber and his tanned, muscular opponent for the Superstar. Vince calls Bob Backlund a gentleman, but Randy reminds him that "Michael Jackson says he's a gentleman, too." Jeez, I knew B. Brian Blair was worse than Michael
Jordan Jackson, but Bob Backlund? Say it ain't so, Macho.
|The Bob Backlund fan is impressed.|
Backlund hopes to wrestle at his first Wrestlemania this year, which Randy tells us will be "the biggest and best one in... ever." Bob lands a Nice Maneuver on DeMoro, tripping his leg. Backlund gets a "Bobby!" chant from the crowd in his first Raw singles match. Backlund wins with a "very cute pinning combination." Three guesses as to who said that... Give up? It was Macho Man.
Rick Martel returns to ringside yet again, this time for his actual match. This match, by the way, is not possible in the WWF Royal Rumble video game, as Mr. Perfect and Rick Martel were exclusive to the SNES and Genesis versions, respectively. Rob Bartlett makes his 23rd Gilligan's Island reference of the night about his attire. Does anyone else think Martel's music sounds like Val Venis's? His opponent, Mr. Perfect, will face Lex Luger in what Vince calls "one of the great matches, perhaps, of all time." It isn't. The action in this match starts off "hot and heavy." It's definitely "uncut, uncensored, uncooked, uncensored, and uncut, unconscionable, unbelievable that we're still rappin'!" (#2)
(Rick Martel shows off by doing cartwheels and jumping jacks)
Bartlett: Drop and give us twenty, mister!
Vince ignores Bartlett and continues to hype Perfect's upcoming match with Lex Luger, saying, "The Narcissist has yet to be really tested...." Martel backflips over Mr. Perfect, reversing a hammerlock with a Nice Maneuver (#2). Perfect counters with a Very Clever Maneuver (#3), sending The Model out of the ring. This is truly a "see-saw match-up," says Vince. Now that is the kind of new gimmick match the WWE needs. Martel hits a Maneuver (#4), landing a knee on his running opponent. Martel's luck appears to run out when Mr. Perfect counters his Maneuver (#5), lifting his knees as The Model attempts a splash into the ring over the ropes, a Very Clever Defensive Maneuever (#6). We cut to commercial break and return just in time to see Mr. Perfect leave the ring to his music. The pinfall happened during commercial. Ah, the perils of live television... except this isn't live television; it was taped a week before. We see a replay of how the match ended (via the Perfectplex), meaning that WWF has the complete match footage, but chooses not to air the match's finish in real time.
|"We're talkin' perfect!"|
We return from another commercial break to see Perfect bring the two Raw girls from tonight to ringside. Rob Bartlett calls them "Mr. Perfect and Dawn," because at this time, the WWF needed more Tony Orlando references.
2 Uncut, uncensored, uncookeds (Cumulative total: 17)
6 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 36)