Raw #4 - February 1st, 1993

The fourth episode of Raw starts off with Native American Tatanka vs. Damien Demento (who doesn't get an entrance).

This episode of Raw apparently predates the invention of "center align."

Tatanka is sporting his classic red mohawk, although a natural feud with the former Red Rooster Terry Taylor would never materialize. This being a live show, we are told right off the bat that tonight's episode is uncut, uncensored, and uncooked. Tatanka quickly puts Demento in a small package for the "1-2-and-3-no, only a count of 2." Demento takes time to talk to the gods on the outside of the ring (could the Damien Demento character be a riff on the Ultimate Warrior?). Rob Bartlett fondly recalls playing with "Tatanka trucks" (get it? Like "Tonka trucks"?). The announcers ignore a "We want Flair" chant as Demento cinches in a chinlock on the Undefeated Native American. Tatanka finally hits the Samoan Drop on Demento for the pinfall. Why does a Native American use a Samoan Drop, anyway? Royal Rumble for SNES had the good sense (and lack of creativity) to call it a "reverse slam". Over all, this match was heavy on tassels but light on Maneuvers.

We are promised a "very special interview" with Brutus Beefcake, possibly about the dangers of cocaine and anthrax. Brutus arrives in cut-away tights that would make The Booty Man blush (if it weren't for the fact that they were the same person). Vince McMahon describes Beefcake's infamous parasailing accident not only as "near-fatal," but more importantly, "devastating." The Barber announces his return to the ring, which Vince admits is, and I am not making this up, "a Very, Very Risky Maneuver" (#1). Brutus agrees, but struggles to find a better choice of words than Vince's. He settles for "risky involvement." The Barber recounts the sob story of his parents' deaths, drawing a collective "awwww" from the crowd before ripping his ex-wife on national TV for "running off with some barfly and taking everything I had." Mr. Leslie either signed a really one-sided prenuptial agreement or he has Lionel Hutz for a lawyer. This led to Beefcake getting smashed in the face by a parasailing girl's knees. After a sympathetic fan yells, "Kill yourself!," he then recalls having to listen to doctors without so much as an aspirin (or cocaine). Brutus says, and I quote,

"I was putting myself in God's hands, when another hand reached out and grabbed me. That hand was none other than the hand of Hulk Hogan!"

There you have it, folks. Hulk Hogan is God's #2 man. Don't believe me? Just listen to Mr. Ed Leslie preach some more:

"Hulkster was there as they pulled the bandages, and as I saw a glimpse of light through the big, fat, swelled-up eyes, the first thing that I saw was the red and yellow standing over me, and he was saying, 'Don't give up, Brutus. You gotta fight because me and all the Hulkamaniacs are behind you all the way, and no matter what happens, you'll be taken care of.'"

Vince continues with the deification of Hogan:

"Well, with the Good Man, or the Big Man looking over your shoulder, and Hulkster certainly encouraging, that's quite a tag team, isn't it?"

It's certainly a more formidable tag team than God & Shawn Michaels.

Vlad the Superfan slaps hands with Brutus Beefcake.

We return from commercials with the announcers saying... something. Also, there's tush.

Tush.

High Energy, the team of Owen Hart and Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware, make their way to the ring to face "Iron" Mike Sharpe and the future Da Baldie, Vito. Vince continues to praise Beefcake's "Risky Maneuver" (#2) of returing to the ring, which he describes as "galiant," establishing a Raw tradition of using that made-up word, a tradition dutifully preserved to this day by Michael Cole. High Energy picks up the quick win with a Hart Attack-like dropkick double team.

As we prepare for Doink vs. Typhoon, we get a replay of Doink's beating of Crush with a fake arm from a few weeks before. Macho Man says that Doink is "in the Danger Zone." Despite being an "evil clown," Doink earns the praise of Vince McMahon, who lauds the clown's "series of Maneuvers and holds" (#3). Doink also earns the support of the root-for-the-heel section of the Manhattan Center. The clown literally dissects Uncle Fred before pulling his tights for the pinfall.

At least I hope that's what Doink's doing.

Some fans take their love of Doink a bit too far. Vince suggests that Crush would like to do the same.

When we return from commercials, we get a ten-bell salute for the recently-deceased Andre the Giant. This is the second-least-funny aspect of tonight's Raw.

After a Slim-Jim commercial, Rob Bartlett remarks, "Slim-Jims, for those times when you don't really care what part of the cow you're eating." Hey, Rob. you know how you just watched a 15-second message about eating Slim-Jims? Slim-Jim is paying the WWF to promote its product. It's called advertising, and the object is to drive sales up, not down.

Yokozuna walks down the aisle to take on enhancement talent and future Da Baldie, Bobby DeVito. I sense a Danny DeVito joke coming from Rob Bartlett. Randy Savage recounts being eliminated by Yokozuna, but does not seem to have learned his lesson about trying to pin your opponent in a Royal Rumble. Vince stumbles over himself trying to explain an upcoming Hacksaw/Yoko match. Good luck having Jim Duggan himself explain it; he apparently does not know how to use a phone or pronounce "Yakazuma's" name. Yoko literally squashes DeVito for the victory.

Vince welcomes Money, Inc. to ringside for an interview (not a very special interview, but an interview nonetheless). The bizarre duo of the rich guy and the guy who takes away the rich guy's money challenges Brutus Beefcake, but not before mangling up the poem of Humpty Dumpty. The team's manager, Jimmy Hart, urges Ted DiBiase not to take the match, planting the seed for his imminent face turn, much like Pat Patterson planting his seed in Steve Lombardi (Pat Patterson is gay, is what I'm getting at). IRS calls Brutus Beefcake a tax cheat for not having paid taxes since his accident. Are we sure Irwin is a real taxman? Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you earn no income, you pay no income tax.

The Narcissist Lex Luger (formerly known as Narcissus) makes his in-ring debut after having been lavished with overtly homo-erotic praise by Bobby Heenan at his Royal Rumble unveiling (Hey, do you think that segment was written by Pat Patter-- ah, forget it). As Lex admires himself in the "mirra" (Vince's word, not mine), a large Raw girl makes her way to the ring. Talk about uncooked, uncensored, and uncut (#2)! Luger is none too pleased. 

Vince references the Buffalo Bills' unsuccessful Super Bowl from the previous night, although there is no mention of Mitch Frerotte. We see a video of Mr. Perfect practicing perfectly with the Minnesota Vikings' Steve Jordan.

Vince McMahon puts over Luger's opponent HUGE! Have a listen:

Luger now locking up with his opposition, Jason Knight. Unquestionably one of the more powerful men in the World Wresting Federation.

Oh, never mind. He was talking about Lex. Luger tosses his opponent around before hitting a strangely effective forearm, knocking the future ECW TV champion out cold. The Narcissist then takes a page out of your big brother's playbook, doing a giant swing on Knight after the bell for good measure.

Let's close this post with a recap of tonight's highlights:

 

 

Final Tally:

2 Uncut, uncensored, uncookeds (Cumulative total: 9)
3 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 21) (In re-watching this episode, I have discovered two more Maneuvers by Doink: a double-leg takedown and a front facelock. I will add these to the post for Raw #23)
3 Future ECW midcarders