Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Raw #13 - April 19th, 1993

We open the thirteenth episode of Raw with short promos of Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers hyping their match tonight. I know the Beverlys are supposed to be from Shaker Heights, Ohio, but their Minnesota accents contradict that pretty conclusively.

Razor Ramon comes down the Mid-Hudson Civic Center's aisle to the regular Monday Night Raw graphics. I guess the WWF did the post-production of this taped episode on their computer at the Manhattan Center. I'm not even kidding anymore. There is something about live shows in Poughkeepsie that prevents Raw from having its regular graphics. Virgil, wrestling superstar, is The Bad Guy's opponent tonight. Virgil makes his way to the ring in his barber-pole pants with his rarely-heard entrance music playing. It sounds like someone playing Jake Roberts's theme music with a cheap synthesizer's trumpet voice. The two exchange hammerlocks and go-behinds, with Razor breaking the holds by grabbing the ropes. I can't blame Razor for taking the safe route here, and if there's anyone known for their safe and responsible decision-making, it's Scott Hall. Razor puts the abdominal stretch on Virgil, but does not grab his far leg. If Gorilla Monsoon were here, Ramon would get an earful about this. 

The Bad Guy locks Virgil in an STF chinlock while the former DiBiase bodyguard pretends not to be able to reach the ropes. Vince wonders how someone could counter a Maneuver (#1 - STF) like this. Virgil finally grabs the bottom rope. Razor charges Virgil in the corner but gets caught with a Nice Maneuver (#2 - two boots to the face) and taken down with a High-Risk Maneuver (#3 - flying clothesline) by the manservant. Another High-Risk Maneuver (#4 - flying body press) by Virgil backfires when Razor ducks and then hits him with the Razor's Edge for the pinfall.

Today, April 19th, 1993, is the day in which the Branch-Davidian compound in Waco, Texas was besieged by the FBI, resulting in over 70 deaths. Since this edition of Raw is pre-taped, we don't get any hilarious Damien Demento jokes about it from Rob Bartlett.
The Giant Gonzalez enters the ring to a selection from Pure Moods Volume 3 to take on LA Gore. The giant from the Andes is billed as being eight feet tall and his wearing his second-rate costume, the one with shag carpet-like fur, faker-looking muscles, and no airbrushed buttocks.


We get a vignette from Luna from what appears to be the set of a hair metal music video. Luna starts off with a growl worthy of Road Warrior Hawk. She then narrates their brawls over footage from Wrestlemania IX and last week's Raw. She vows to be "the goddess of the squared circle." I guess that makes her the female Hulk Hogan (except Vince McMahon never limited the Hulkster's divinity to the wrestling ring).

Native American Tatanka takes on Art Thomas, a muscular white wrestler who does not have his own Wikipedia page. Rob Bartlett makes a reference to "That Girl," pretending to confuse Mark Thomas with Marlo Thomas. Even worse, the guy's name is Art, not Mark, putting this joke in contention for Bartlett's worst. Thomas whips Tatanka toward the turnbuckles, but Tatanka spins around and slowly glides to the corner like a billiard ball. I think Tatanka thought he was going to reverse the whip right there, but Thomas didn't cooperate. After taking a beating from the jobber, the Native American superstar Hulks up with a war dance (which looks more like he's skipping around the ring), hits "devastating" chops, and finishes off his opponent with Papoose to Go.

Pictured: The babyface team.
IRS warns the fans that if they didn't pay their taxes on April 15th, they wouldn't get an extension. The fans must be a bit confused, seeing as this show was taped on April 12th. The Beverly Brothers walk to the ring to their poorly-quantized theme music. Seriously, have you ever listened to that crap? Vince must have told Jim Johnston that the Beverlys were a team of stumbling drunk weathermen who needed music to fit that gimmick. After last week's "MEE-lay" (as Vince pronounces it), the Beverlys get this non-title match against the champions. The Beverlys clear the ring to start out the match. Rob Bartlett predicts a win for the "Beverly HIllbillies." That would actually have been a pretty good Survivor Series team if the Beverly Brothers had stuck around long enough to join forces with the Godwinns. Ted Dibiase gets the hot tag to IRS, but the referee doesn't see it, leading him to kick Irwin out as the Beverly Brothers double-team DiBiase. Who are supposed to be the faces here? Yet again, the referee disallows a Money Inc. tag while Beau and Blake switch places with no tag.

Over the commercial break, the referee must have reminded the teams who the heels and the faces are supposed to be, as Money Inc. gets a phantom tag shortly after the show returns. Macho Man tries to get a Raw slogan started, shouting out of the blue, "Uncensored!" Bartlett fails to follow up on this, repeating for the third time that the doctor said he might have a memory loss from getting beaten up by Luna last week. Get it? His memory is bad, so he can't remember that he's already said so! Blake Beverly makes a comeback, hitting DiBiase with a baaack body drop and then a regular back body drop. The tide shifts once again as the Beverlys' double-team backfires; Blake accidentally knocks Beau out of the ring. Ted DiBiase does his best Rob Feinstein impression and scores from behind with a schoolboy.

"Address your letter bombs to this guy, please."
Vince is in the ring after the break and brings out the former "World Rustling Federation Champion" Bret Hart. Hart talks about always being an underdog in his trademark, somewhat rambling manner. He speaks of having a "hit list," and the "number one first guy, priority" on that list is Lex Luger, who knocked out Hart the morning of Wrestlemania IX. He wants to show the Narcissist that "this isn't bodybuilding, this is wrestling" before calling out Yokozuna and Hulk Hogan to get his title back. Good luck with that.

Bam Bam Bigelow squares off against Phil Apollo in the next match of this uncooked, uncensored, and uncut (and last week, undressed) Raw. The difference between Raw 1993 and Raw 1999 is that a wild catfight would be the talk of the whole federation for weeks in 1993, whereas in the Attitude Era, it would be forgotten by the time Raw returned from commercial break to bring you a Val Venis, Godfather, or Mr. Ass match. Macho Man suggests that Apollo could upset Bam Bam, despite the fact that the Beast from the East is tossing Phil around the ring with ease as the jobber displays no offense. Bam Bam is so big, says Randy, that he "can miss ya and get ya." He then brings up Friar Ferguson as an example of the better and better competition of the WWF. Bam Bam pulls off an Awesome Maneuver (#5), swatting away an Apollo dropkick. Skinner-Doink is spotted in the aisle, but since he and Bam Bam Bigelow are both heels, the big man is not distracted. It's like video games where it's impossible to hurt your teammate, even if you're shooting them point blank or hitting them right in the face. Bam Bam kills Phil with a senton splash before hitting the top rope headbutt for the pin. This match was a combination of Rocky I and Rocky IV: Like Rocky I, the heavy favorite wins, but like Rocky IV, Apollo gets killed. Bam Bam continues to rough up Apollo until his future tag team partner Friar Ferguson comes to ringside to stop the beatdown, dropkicking the New Jersey native out of the ring. 

Surely to the fans' delight, Friar Ferguson is still in the ring after the commercial break. Next week, Lex Luger takes on the "original Hawaiian Punch," Crush (meaning that Crush is at least 59 years old at this point, if we take Vince literally).

Final tally:

1 Uncut, uncensored, and uncooked (Cumulative total: 26)    
5 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 57)

1 comment:

  1. Loved this McMahon quote at the start of the Money Inc/Beverly match.
    "They're going at it, all 4 individuals and ... no-one really cares who wins this match up I don't think!"