Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Raw #12 - April 12th, 1993

Not pictured: sack with a dollar sign on it.
The twelfth episode of Raw opens up with Money Inc. very loudly smacking stacks of dollar bills into the Beverly Brothers' hands in exchange for inside information on the Steiners. Blake says that the Steiners' suplexes are devastating, which reveals a great deal: Vince McMahon is publishing his own thesaurus, and the Beverlys have been reading the manuscript.

We are live from the Mid-Hudson Civic Center, which means another night of strange, second-rate graphics. Does the computer with the regular Raw graphics just stay in the Manhattan Center permanently? Has Vince never heard of a floppy disk? More bad news: Rob Bartlett is back and will be interviewing Luna Vachon. Scott Steiner and IRS will compete in a singles match, but more importantly, Friar Ferguson makes his debut in Poughkeepsie tonight.

IRS enters the ring to Ted DiBiase's "Million Dollar Rap" instead of his own classic theme. Irwin reminds us that this coming Thursday is the deadline to file income taxes. The man gets booed for this, but he may have saved thousands of fans from fines and garnished wages with this vital information. Irwin R. Schyster: civil servant, unsung hero. Rob Bartlett wonders, "What does Irwin need the suspenders for if he's already got the belt?" I think it was at this exact moment that Vince first considered dropping all references to "belts" in favor of "titles" or "championships." Vince wonders how Scott Steiner will do in singles competition. "When you split tag teams up, ...anything can happen!" Just ask the Hart Dynasty, Cryme Tyme, The Colóns, Deuce 'n' Domino....

His previous stage name: Teddy "The Bear" DiBiase.
IRS hits a Maneuever (#1) that a less-educated announcer might call an enziguiri kick. "Scotty" Steiner hits a powerslam on IRS before DiBiase performs a Practical Maneuver (#2) by distracting Steiner, which McMahon reiterates is a Very Clever Maneuver (#3). IRS slips out of the ring after being worn down by the brother of his former Varsity Club teammate. Ted and Rick get into a standoff outside the ring, with DiBiase quickly taking off his tear-away tuxedo. The Million Dollar Man apparently made his entire fortune in single bills. 

IRS hits "a bit of a piledriver," as explained by McMahon. IRS tries to follow up with a High-Risk Maneuver (#4) which backfires. For whatever reason, heels love to go for axe-handle smashes even when their opponents are flat-on their backs, leading them to get a face full of boot while still landing on their feet. Steiner whips IRS to the corner and mounts him for a series of punches. The fans in the cheaper seats keep counting all the way to 6, despite Scott stopping after 4. "Scotty" Steiner, as Vince insists on calling him, follows this up with a baaaaaack body drop on Schyster. Scotty hits the double-arm suplex but his pin is broken up by DiBiase, causing a disqualification. Ted nearly gets the electric chair bulldog from the Steiners before the Beverly Brothers break it up. The two heel teams gang up on the Steiners before the Beverlys attempt a double-clothesline, which backfires when Scott ducks and the Million Dollar Man gets drilled. The two heel teams then get into a scuffle, which Money Inc. escapes, hinting at a face turn for Beau and Blake Beverly. Read those two names out loud and guess how well they would do as fan favorites.

Macho Man: Maybe something's wrong with [Rob Bartlett's] microphone. I think it works.

Native American Tatanka has no time for rump.
Tatanka taunts the German with a Nazi salute.

Tatanka storms past the Raw girl to take on Full-Bloodied Italian Baldie Vito, AKA Germany's Von Krus. Rob Bartlett talks about watching the Wrestlemania IX encore with his uncle and predicting the results while pretending it's live. This was a plot on both Full House and Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Tatanka hits Vito with a reverse monkey flip and an arm drag, which are, respectively, a Nice Maneuver (#5) and a Very Nice Maneuver (#6). 

It's an illusion.
Doink shows up to distract the Native American. Vince McMahon wonders which Doink it is: the original Doink, or the second Doink seen at Wrestlemania? It's Doink #2, Steve Keirn (Skinner). Vince explains the significance of Tatanka's streak of red hair, which represents the blood of "all the Native American nations combined." He might be thinking of Captain Planet. Tatanka's flurry of chops is definitely uncut, uncooked, and uncensored (#1). Lots of chops, a war dance, and a baaack body drop later, and he beats Vito with Papoose to Go

We go to yet another Wrestlemania Report featuring the finest CGI that 1993 money could buy. Sean Mooney is apparently filling in for Mean Gene to report on what "is now being referred to [by Vince McMahon] as the greatest Wrestlemania in history." They're really pushing for those encore presentation purchases. Jack Tunney, we are told, has recognized Hulk Hogan as the new WWF champion. Controversy also looms over the Crush-Doink match and the spectacular illusion of two Doinks. Sean Mooney says that this is the only event in WWF history in which the title has changed hands twice (besides that Saturday Night's Main Event where Hogan lost the title to Andre, who gave it to Ted DiBiase before Jack Tunney stepped in and declared the title vacant).

Rob Bartlett invents the People's Eyebrow.

This interview is the first time we have heard Luna speak, as she talks to Bartlett. Every time I hear that voice, I cringe. Luna's voice is somewhat aggravating, too. Sherri comes down to ringside and goes at it with Vachon. Catfight! Catfight! The action spills over the railing before Sgt. Slaughter hauls off Luna. We return from break with the former Sensational Queen strategically holding Randy's cowboy hat. Luna sneaks up from behind and starts the fight back up. Sherri goes for the brassiere strap of Vachon, prompting a very macho "Ooooh yeah!" from a very randy Savage. McMahon is right; this is uncut and uncensored (#2). The tragedy of all this is that it would be 3 more years until Sunny and Sable would both be on Raw.

"Uncut, uncensored, and undressed!" (#3) - Macho Man

Not pictured: Skip Taylor.
Papa Shango takes on a man whom  Howard Finkel identifies as "Skip Taylor," despite the man's undeniable resemblance to Scott Taylor. He even spells his name the same way! The future Godfather wears down the future Scotty 2 Hotty. Rob Bartlett scramble back to ringside with a black eye and a torn jacket. Macho Man slaps him back into consciousness just in time for him to see Papa Shango finish off Taylor with a shoulderbreaker.

Vito wrestled this same night. Coincidence?
The long-awaited (since earlier tonight) debut of Friar Ferguson starts during the commercial break, cutting in just in time to witness a Maneuver (#7) by the holy man, a back body drop. Vince speculates that Friar Ferguson has an unfair advantage due to his manager. "Are you talking about Hulk Hogan?" asks Randy. He means God, Randy. So yes, you were right the first time. Ferguson hits another Maneuver (#8), catapulting his opponent to the outside by tugging on the top rope. Vince announces that the Beverly Brothers will take on Money Inc. next week in a match he "never thought we would see on Monday Night Raw" (just like Sherri's breasts, implies Savage). The Friar lands a splash on his opponent, a jobber by the name of Duffy, but pulls him up after a two-count, drawing boos from the crowd. Yes, Ferguson is playing the face here, but the crowd is already turning against him. The priest foreshadows the "Vito in a dress" gimmick by smothering his opponent with his robe. Ferguson wows the crowd with clubs to the neck and corner splashes on Duffy. The priest finishes the young man off by sitting on his face.

Next week, Bret Hart has a special interview, wrestling superstar Virgil takes on Razor Ramon, and the Beverly Brothers face Money Inc. in a non-title match. Before the champions can speak on their match next week, they are jumped by the Beverlys, closing out the show.

Hey, weren't the Bushwhackers supposed to be facing Money Inc. this week?

This flagrant false advertising likely resulted in a class action lawsuit by disillusioned Bushwhacker fans.

Final Tally:

3 uncut, uncensored, uncookeds (Cumulative total: 25)
8 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 52)

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