Thursday, August 23, 2012

Raw #7 - March 1st, 1993

The seventh episode of Raw starts off with WWF champion Bret Hart making his way to the ring to defend his title against Fatu. Bret is WWF champion, after all, so it's only natural that he'd make lots of live appearances (remember this next month). For some reason, Rob Bartlett feels that he isn't annoying enough already, so he is dressed like Elvis tonight. Note that tonight's episode is in New York City, as usual, and not in Memphis, and that Elvis neither was born nor died any time near March 1st, the date of tonight's show.

Hitman and Fatu tangle as Bartlett makes some bad Elvis jokes in his Elvis voice. Bret runs the ropes and clearly fakes tripping over the Headshrinker. But what's this? He was only faking the fake trip, allowing him to sneak up on Fatu from behind. Elvis Bartlett asks for some fried green tomatoes and head cheese. Sadly, neither Al Snow nor Steve Blackman show up. The one saving grace of this Elvis impersonation is that Vince and Randy constantly bring up some of the less than proud aspects of Elvis's life, like his divorce and his manager, Colonel Parker (not the one who first managed Harlem Heat). Fatu dominates the champion, who starts to stage a comeback, only to be beaten down by Samu on the outside.

Savage: The Hitman is definitely, truly, absolutely going against all odds tonight on Monday Night Raw, live, uncut!
McMahon: Uncensored!
Bartlett: And uh, I'm hungry. Can we get something to eat over here?

Damn you, Rob Bartlett.

If Fatu wins tonight, we will have an all-Samoan main event at Wrestlemania IX. Imagine if this actually happens; Fatu would have no justification for running over Steve Austin in 1999. Fatu hits a piledriver on a bloodied Bret Hart (that's two things you won't typically see on a modern Raw). Fatu covers Hart for the "1-2-and-yes! No!" Fatu picks up Hart and drops him with a side slam, or as McMahon calls it, a "side suplex." Macho Man puts over the Hitman as a fighting champion, giving him R-E-S-P-E-C-T

No one kicks out of the sharpshooter!
Fatu climbs to the top rope, only to be caught by Bret and superplexed hard off the second rope. Hitman covers Fatu for the "1-2-Yes! No! No! No! No!" Vince sounds like Zodiac right here. The superplex fails to put Fatu away, despite being a Maneuver, so Hitman follows up with a bulldog, backbreaker, elbow smash, and a Sharpshooter. With the referee distracted, Samu breaks up the Sharpshooter and tries to pin the Hitman himself. The Headshrinkers perform Twin Magic once again, with Fatu returning to the ring behind the ref's back. Bret whips Fatu into his cousin, causing Samu's head to get tied up in the ropes. Hart dropkicks Afa and puts the Sharpshooter on Fatu again. Earl Hebner inexplicably pounds the mat for a three count, although Fatu is on his stomach (yet the ref wouldn't do the same for Kamala?!). This causes the fans to pop for the Hitman's victory before Earl Hebner remembers the rules of wrestling and signals that Fatu has submitted.

We take it to Mean Gene for the Wrestlemania Report, which is accompanied by a slowed-down version of the Wrestlemania theme. Mean Gene runs down the Mania card so far before asking Macho Man if he had his outfit painted by Joey Buttafuoco's body shop.

"Your Elvis schtick sucks, brudda!"
We go to an interview with Crush on the beaches of Hawaii, who punctuates every sentence with "brudda." Through the magic of picture-in-picture, we can see that Rob Bartlett is continuing his hour-long Elvis joke by eating a lot. Truth be told, his jokes have nothing to do with Elvis and everything to do with eating a lot. Crush vows to crush Doink's head and demonstrates this by wasting a perfectly good coconut.

Coconuts don't hold grudges.

Vlad the Superfan wants Doink's present.
A clown executes an STF better than John Cena.

Doink comes to the ring with a present in his hands. Koko B. Ware comes out to his non-Owen Hart theme song. Rob Bartlett makes the same joke about Koko B. Ware being Gary Coleman that he made on the first episode of Raw, this time recalling watching the Birdman on Diff'rent Strokes (which wouldn't premiere until 1978, a year after Elvis's death). Doink absolutely dominates the Birdman, working his legs from bell-to-bell and ending the match in under two minutes.
After the match, Elvis Bartlett rambles on and on on the microphone about loving clowns (and makes a vague oral sex joke about Priscilla being a sword swallower). Doink opens up his gift and smashes a pie in Bartlett's face, prompting his first ever cheers from the crowd. Bartlett, of course, keeps making jokes about eating. Damn you, Bartlett.

The Mega Manics: the tag team with bipolar disorder.
Next, we have a special interview in the ring with Money Inc. To start off, Ted Dibiase complains about the recently-fired CEO of American Express getting paid a mere $700,000 a year in retirement money. Seven hundred grand is not very much money to the Million Dollar Man, you see. Ted rips Hogan for taking a year off to be a Hollywood "star," but thanks the Mega Maniacs for taking their manager Jimmy Hart. Ted describes Jimmy as an "overpaid gofer" (because he's an errand-runner, and not because of his rodent-like appearance). IRS demands a thank-you from the Mega Maniacs for sending Beefcake a wake-up call by hitting with the briefcase (no, excuse me, the "Beefcase"). The team challenges the Mega Maniacs to a tag team title match at Wrestlemania IX.

Hogan is the next victim of the Beefcase.

"PJ Walker isn't fit to wear my jockstrap as a mask."
The Narcissist Lex Luger is in action next. Elvis Bartlett likes it when Lex "makes his boobies dance." He takes on PJ Walker, the future Aldo Montoya and Justin Credible. Vince tells viewers to stay tuned for a new TV show on USA called "Matrix." Bobby Heenan is on the phone, joined by a fake Priscilla Presley, and together they fawn over the perfection of the Narcissist. Meanwhile, there is a match going on. Luger hits a forearm smash, knocks Aldo out, and pins him with his pinky finger. Luger then brings PJ to the mirror to demonstrate what the "atypical [sic] American male" looks like. Vince McMahon then announces that the Steiner Brothers, "Rob and Scott," are up next. Kayfabe, Vince. Kayfabe.

The Steiners take on Duane Gill (the future Gillberg) and Barry Hardy (the one wrestling Hardy who hasn't embarrassed himself on Youtube). These two competed as the masked Executioners against the Steiners on the very first Raw, a match which included four Maneuvers by the Michigan All-Americans. Macho Man says that he told the Steiners about Vince "messing up" their names. The Steiners are set to compete against the Headshrinkers at Wrestlemania IX in arguably the match of the pay-per-view (it's not a very good pay-per-view). Elvis Bartlett makes a non-food joke, this time comparing Scott Steiner's belly-to-belly suplex to sex. I guess that makes Scott's Royal Rumble 2003 match with Triple H an X-rated film. As the Steiner brothers practice their suplexes on the jobbers, Macho Man predicts that Wrestlemania IX will be the greatest ever. Scott pins Barry after a Frankensteiner.

Vince announces a tag match next week between Money Inc. and El Matador & Virgil and invites Elvis to come back to see it. For the love of Terry Bollea, shut up, Vince. Mr. Perfect also takes on The Model next week.

Final Tally:

1 Uncut, uncensored, uncooked (Cumulative total: 15)
1 Maneuver (Cumulative total: 30)

1 comment:

  1. Just after the Doink match they run the usual ads for ICO PRO, Slim Jims and the new WWF figures featuring the British Bulldog who actually debuted for WCW a few weeks prior to this show.