Sunday, August 26, 2012

Raw #10 - March 22nd, 1993

The tenth episode of Raw is back in the Manhattan Center. It's uncut, unpredictable, and un-something else. Shut up, Bartlett. Tonight, the Bushwhackers take on Damien Demento & The Repo Man for the Wrestlecrap Tag Titles.

After an eternity, Luke and Butch show up in the balcony of the Manhattan Center. Finally, the Bushwhackers march through the crowd "in all their glory." Fortunately, they are not, in fact, naked. They grope the large Raw girl and this match is underway. Rob Bartlett makes a Waco joke about Damien Demento (This episode was a month before that complex got torched with seventy-six people). The Bushwhackers bite their opponents' buttocks (good thing they're not in the ring with Giant Gonzalez). Luke hits a running shoulderblock on Demento before dropping to the mat himself with a major delayed reaction. Butch pins Repo. Pre-match shenanigans aside, the crowd barely reacts to this match and its bowling shoe tendencies.

Tatanka rushes to the ring and chases Reno Riggins out of the squared circle. Expect some uncut, uncooked, uncensored, and uncouth (#2) action here. Riggins is wearing what looks like leopard-print underwear, possibly the same pair he wore to his tryout with Pat Patterson (Pat Patterson is gay, is what I'm getting at). Tatanka hits Riggins with a Nice Maneuver, reverse-monkey-flipping him. Tatanka wears down Riggins with Chris Jericho's #2 move (armbar!). Reno mounts some offense, but Tatanka counters his clothesline with a Maneuver (#2 - ducking). He hits the Samoan Drop (whose official name is, and I quote, "Papoose to Go").

We get a video package on Andre the Giant, the first and only inductee into the newly-created WWF Hall of Fame, a place for true legends like Bruno Sammartino Koko B. Ware, Lou Thesz Drew Carrey, and Randy Savage James Dudley. After the video, we zoom in on three dreamy young men, whom Rob Bartlett identifies as Jason, Billy, and Kevin from One Life to Live. For once, Rob Bartlett isn't kidding. Vince makes an unintentionally tasteless joke about "having a lot of lives to live here as Monday Night Raw continues," considering the video package for the late Giant.

Your tax dollars don't pay for extra screws on the tag title belt.

(Left to right) Derriere, Bill Alfonso.
Money Inc. takes on Scott Rich & Jeff Armstrong, whom Vince identifies as "John and Jeff." IRS reminds us that the tax deadline is approaching. Listen to this capacity crowd chant "Irwin"! Vince recaps Money Inc.'s feud with the Mega Maniacs, starting when Beefcake was "nailed with the metal Halliburton briefcase" by IRS and DiBiase. Bartlett flips through the channels on his monitor to check up on the competition, prompting McMahon to remind him, "There is no competition!" Vince gives Money Inc. their due: "You may not like them, but you have to respect them for their wrestling skills." Likewise, you may not like Rob Bartlett. IRS picks up an easy pinfall on the bald guy.

Mean Gene brings us the Wrestlemania report. "Let's talk about the greatest Wrestlemania ever!" says Gene. Okay, the year is 1993, so that apparently means we're about to talk about Wrestlemania III. Instead, Gene continues to hype Wrestlemania IX. The official contract signing between Yokozuna and Bret Hart would be this weekend on Superstars and Wrestling Challenge. This contract signing, amazingly, would end in violence. It would also be the only time before Wrestlemania that the two opponents in the main event will even be on screen at the same time. If this were today's WWE, they would already have had a half dozen tag team matches by now. Mean Gene also insists that the tag title match is one half of the "double main event." I don't like the Mega Maniacs' chances at Wrestlemania. Ever since Brutus's parasailing accident, Hulk Hogan and God had been tag team partners, but they never even came close to winning the titles. What makes anyone think that replacing God with Beefcake will bring the Hulkster any closer to the gold? Everyone will be wearing togas at this year's 'Mania; Mean Gene's toga, he tells us, has less material than a roll of dental floss. I can hear the WWF viewers dialing their cable company now! Hopefully, it's not too late to cancel. Macho Man is most excited about the vestal virgins (Stephanie McMahon's 18th birthday, I might add, is still more than a year away).

Next, Kamala takes on Doink, who is sporting a short afro this week. The "very eeevil individual," Doink, arrives with a gift-wrapped package for Kamala. Reverend Slick, for a man who is trying to "civilize" the Ugandan giant, still lets him come to the ring with a mask, shield, and spear (which sadly, did not come with his Hasbro action figure, not even the ultra-rare version with a moon on his belly). Vince tells us once again stay tuned in after Raw for "Matrix" starring Nick Mancuso. Every time I hear his name, I am reminded of that Italian song with faux-English lyrics. Doink teases Kamala with his package, which distracts the "kind-hearted individual" enough to allow the clown to get the jump on him. Doink uses holds to wear down Kamala, who tries to shift the momentum with chops to the clown's head. I guess growing up in the deepest, darkest jungles of Uganda means that Kamala is unfamiliar with such advanced Western innovations such as punching a guy in the face.

Vince: "You know what [Doink] does to young children?" [Good gracious, this show is uncensored!]
Randy: "Yes, he likes to make 'em cry." [Oh.]

Rob Bartlett suggests that Doink should take on the guy from the Burger King commercials. Although after 19 years, this reference is horribly vague and dated, I believe our good fiend is talking about hunky Tony from Seinfeld. Doink gets chased around the ring by Kamala before distracting him with his present long enough for Doink to slip back into the ring for a countout victory. The box, cruelly, is empty. I believe this was the plot of an episode of "What's Happening!!" Kamala, who faces Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania (in a match that never takes place), follows Doink under the ring. Doink grabs a chair and smacks Kamala as the Ugandan tries to emerge from under the ring. Kamala then outsmarts Doink by coming out from another side of the ring and chopping the clown from behind. Doink gets chased to the back by Kamala, but not before a fan tries to snatch his wig off.

We are treated with three large Raw girls who make up the Rob Bartlett fan club (a supposed organization that really tests the fans' suspension of disbelief). Rob makes out with one of the girls in the highlight of his announcing career. Next Sunday is the March to Wrestlemania, featuring Macho Man vs. Yokozuna and The Undertaker vs. Bam Bam Bigelow in a card that arguably looks better than the actual pay-per-view lineup. Also, there will be a midget six-man tag match.

Final Tally:

2 uncut, uncensored, uncookeds (Cumulative total: 20)
2 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 38)



The next episode of Raw wouldn't be for another two weeks, and it would be filmed after the live episode we just saw, meaning that it will occur after Wrestlemania but without overt reference to the actual results of the matches. I'll take this opportunity to play arm-chair booker (Not Booker T, just "booker." I lost the rights to the letter T in a match with Ahmed Johnson) for the upcoming Mania, with the benefit of 19 years of hindsight. There are dozens of smarks out there who will back me up on this. Here are the things I would change about Wrestlemania IX:

First off, Yokozuna should not have won the Royal Rumble, since it painted WWF in a corner. They didn't want the monster heel getting shown up at their biggest show, but they didn't want the fans to be let down with a heel victory. This led to the confusing Hulk Hogan title win to close the show. Instead of Yoko winning, I would have had him go for the Banzai Drop on Macho Man at the end of the Rumble, with Macho Man instead pushing the big man over the top rope for the victory and the 'Mania title shot. This sets up a face vs. face match with Bret Hart defeating Randy Savage in the main event.

Instead of Money Inc. smashing Beefcake's face, I would have had Yokozuna do the heinous deed, drawing in Hogan for a showdown with the rising star. The match could end in a disqualification victory for Yoko, with Brutus Beefcake interfering to prevent a Banzai Drop on the Hulkster. Hogan could then get his second wind, knock down Yokozuna, and wave the American flag to satisfy the fans and Hogan's ego.

Money Inc., instead of facing the Mega Maniacs, would face and defeat the Nasty Boys, the presumptive #1 contenders.

Shawn Michaels, Lex Luger, and Razor Ramon could switch opponents:
Michaels could take on Bob Backlund in the ultimate clash of personalities: The Sexy Boy vs. Howdy Doody. Michaels would retain the IC title against Backlund. In a perfect world, it would be Jannetty defeating Michaels for the IC title, but Marty was fired after the Royal Rumble for supposedly showing up drunk and was never mentioned again until his return in May.

Lex Luger could knock out Tatanka to end the Native American's undefeated streak. This way, Luger gets put over, while the IC title match does not have to tip-toe around Tatanka's undefeated streak and end in a countout.

Mr. Perfect could defeat Razor Ramon in a match rooted in the Survivor Series 1992 tag team match. It's a basically meaningless match, but both guys need to be put on the card, so why not?


  1. While the 80s are most noted for their flamboyance and over-the-top characters, I think it's hard to top Doink vs. Kamala. In fact, it could be the start of a joke; "So an evil clown and an African savage walk into a bar..."

  2. Personally, I'd give WM VI the nod over III.