Tonight, Michaels must defend the Intercontinental title once again against Hacksaw Jim Duggan, this time in a lumberjack match. Heenan accuses Hacksaw of paying off Mr. Perfect to jump HBK before Raw. Bam Bam Bigelow comes to the ring for a King of the Ring qualifying match against Typhoon. Could the Natural Disaster shock the world and become King of the Ring? Scientifically speaking, a typhoon should be able to put out a fire easily. Vince continues to promote tonight's main event, reminding us that Jack Tunney is forcing Shawn Michaels to defend his title. Bigelow continues wrestling despite a gash on the top of his head. The Beast from the East locks Uncle Fred in a chinlock, which he counters with a Nice Maneuver (#1), backing Bigelow into the corner. Bam Bam goes right back to work with what Vince calls a "reverse front facelock." Figure that one out.
Punching, kicking, and splashing ensue as we return from commercial. Bam Bam puts Typhoon in a Maneuver (#2), lifting the big man up for a Samoan drop. He then scales the rope for a headbutt and the pin to qualify for the tournament. Vince points out the similarities between Bam Bam's Samoan drop and Tatanka's finisher, sometimes known as Papoose to Go.
Vince introduces another vignette of the Smoking Gunns, who now have a team name (The Smoking Gunns). Also, according to the text in the video, Billy and Bart are now brothers by the last name Gunn. The Gunns debut this Saturday on WWF Mania. Bobby Heenan lets out a huge "WOOOOOW!" Could he be the world's biggest Smoking Gunns fan? No he's talking about the Raw girl in the ring. Randy Savage adds, "Look at her! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!"
Yokozuna, the #1 contender for the WWF title, comes to the ring to take on PJ "Aldo Montoya" Walker. It's the battle of the fake-Japanese guy with the loin cloth over his tights versus the fake-Portuguese guy with the jock strap over his face. As the announcers discuss the upcoming WWF title match, Macho Man feels sorry for Bret Hart, who doesn't get a rematch for the title, while Bobby Heenan blames the Hitman for defending the title too much. By that line of thought, Heenan should love Hulk Hogan, who has not appeared once on Raw, not even in taped form, since winning the title a month before. Yoko finishes off the future ECW champion with a Banzai Drop and continues to sit on his chest long after the bell rings.
|Vlad the Superfan is excited for the King of the Ring.|
A large Raw girl patrols the ring, leading Bobby Heenan to wonder aloud if she's Knobbs or Saggs. By this time, though, the Nasty Boys are all but gone from the WWF, as is the Repo Man. Brutus Beefcake is teaming with Hulk Hogan against Money Inc. at house shows but will never make another WWF TV appearance. The Perfect One takes on veteran enhancement talent "Iron Mike" Sharpe. Both of these men will be lumberjacks later tonight in the main event.
Randy Savage: "Mr. Perfect's gonna be a great lumberjack. He was the last lumberjack in Phoenix, Arizona. Did you know that, Bobby Heenan?"
Bobby Heenan: A lumberjack in Arizona? Savage, there are no trees in Arizona.
Savage: See, he's done a real good job, hasn't he? He's perfect.
Perfect exchanges chewing gum with the large Raw girl. It's Raw, it's uncooked! Uncensored! It's chewable, that's what it is! Mr. Perfect works away on Sharpe, even hitting him with ten turnbuckle smashes. The two get into a slap fest, with Perfect knocking over Sharpe with a particularly hard chop. Bobby Heenan refuses to watch any more, instead flipping through the channels on his monitor. After struggling to get the scrambled adult channel ("Where's that movie about that girl who goes to Dallas?"), Heenan lands on the USA Network, providing us a with a shot of Heenan looking at himself in two monitors, each of which feature Heenan looking at himself in two monitors. Perfect hits the Perfectplex for the victory, keeping intact his perfect Raw record.
"Sounds like the Nasty Boys," adds Heenan.
"Would you please lay off the Nasty Boys?" replies Vince, who would very shortly lay off the Nasty Boys himself. The movie is rated PG-13, for the record.
The announcers brainstorm new nicknames for the Cannonball Kid, such as the Hard luck Kid and the No Luck Kid. A brief "Mr. Hughes, shine my shoes" chant breaks out before he hits a sidewalk slam for the victory. Cannonball kid scored zero offense the entire match. The lumberjacks file into the ringside area for tonight's main event.
|Don't touch Terrific Terry!|
|"I may be beyond... recon-sss-structive knee surgery."|
Hacksaw throws HBK, who is not in his ring gear, around like a rag doll. At one point, Duggan scoops Michaels up, prompting Vince to say, "Only one place to go!" Duggan then walks around the ring smashing Shawn into the turnbuckles of two different corners. Alright, only three places to go: corner 1, corner 2, and down to the canvas! Duggan starts a "USA" chant to cheer him on against his opponent from Texas, then proceeds to tear off Michaels's shirt. "You know, this may be more raw than we expected," says Heenan. Another "Shawn is gay" chant breaks out in the audience, complete with the limp wrist hand motions. You know, in all of the times I have seen this match, I don't think I've ever noticed that chant. This is what's so great about holding your show in the same arena every week (provided that it's a paid audience and not just people wandering off a theme park lot). Duggan hits what Vince might call a reverse front suplex, otherwise known as a vertical suplex. Heenan continues to insist that Duggan hired Perfect to jump Shawn before Raw tonight. Hacksaw is wearing Michaels down to a "frazzle," according to Vince. Michaels tries to flee the arena, but Mr. Perfect and Bob Backlund haul him back to the ring as we go to commercial break.
One of the best aspects of this match is one highly-enthusiastic Hacksaw fan who can be seen jumping up and down and leading chants throughout the match. When Shawn dodges a Duggan kneedrop, the fan even appears to throw his popcorn to the ground.
Shawn takes the opportunity to remove his cowboy boot. "HIs boot has fallen off, obviously," explains Heenan. HBK nails Hacksaw in the face with the boot for the Boy Toy's first offense to shift the momentum of the match. Personally, I don't understand why using your boot would be considered illegal; you're wearing it to the ring anyway, and you can do way more damage kicking someone with your foot in the boot than you can by merely whacking him over the head with it. Shawn stomps away at Hacksaw, whose back is to the heel lumberjacks. Hacksaw regains the advantage when Michaels telegraphs a back body drop and Duggan counters with a Maneuver (#3), slamming his head to the ground. Michaels later catches Duggan with what Vince McMahon calls a "chokehold." "It's a side headlock," counters Heenan. "Don't you know a hold?" Duggan breaks out with a series of elbows and once again takes over the match. The story of this match is that no matter what Michaels tries, Hacksaw will not relent. For instance, when Jim charges Shawn in the corner with a shoulder block, he misses the Maneuver (#4), leading Michaels to jump off the top rope, only to get caught by Diggan and slammed "down to the canvas with authority." You don't often associate "psychology" with "Hacksaw Jim Duggan" (his bachelor's degree is in applied plant biology, not psychology), but it's on display tonight. Duggan knocks Shawn out of the ring with a clothesline just like last week as we go to another commercial break.
Michaels appears in control of the match upon the return from the break, whipping Hacksaw to the corner. However, his corner splash attempt fails when Duggan dodges it. Bam Bam Bigelow, Duggan's first-round opponent at the King of the Ring, steps onto the ring apron, distracting him enough to let Shawn hit him from behind and throw him to the outside. Yokozuna, whom Duggan had struck before the match, scores a legdrop on the Big American 2x4 Hacksaw while the referee is distracted and tosses him back into the ring for what looks like an easy Michaels pin. Shawn puts a foot on Duggan's chest and tries to get a pin, but Mr. Perfect charges into the ring to knock Michaels out of the ring, drawing a disqualification.
We return from break to get the official word. As Michaels is announced as the winner, he charges at Mr. Perfect, drawing all the other lumberjacks into the ring for a schmoz. Duggan grabs his 2x4 and swings it at everyone in sight, clearing the ring except for Jerry Lawler, who gets hit a few times before rolling out. That's it for tonight's Raw, tough guy!
1 Uncut, uncensored, and uncooked (Cumulative total: 28)
4 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 72)