Tonight, Scott Steiner takes on Quebecer and future pirate Pierre, as future ECW valet Francine looks on in the audience. Bobby Heenan is sick tonight after having been doused in cold water by Doink, despite the prank taking place an entire week before, and despite the fact that you can't catch a cold from being cold. Maybe Doink tainted the water. Heenan mentions buying up as collectors' items a half dozen WWF Magazines with the Steiners on the cover with the titles, assuring us that we'd ever see the Steiner Brothers with those belts again. That's classic heel hyperbole, diminished slightly by the fact that he's right.
As the match gets under way, Vince reminds us that in this bout, and I quote, "there are no Quebec Province City rules." The audience here in New York State City is firmly behind Steiner. Scott takes advantage of the standard WWF rules by throwing Pierre over the top rope and later piledriving him. He then works his opponent over with a reverse STF. He actually falls backward accidentally just as Bobby Heenan says that this move could tear your knee out. Steiner hits the first Maneuver of the night, a belly-to-back suplex off the second rope. Pierre rolls out of the ring for a hug from manager Johnny Polo. Scott sends the two back to the dressing room by brandishing Polo's hockey stick.
Pierre finally returns to the ring with Johnny and his tag team partner, Jacques. How they stayed out of the ring for the entire commercial break without being counted out is beyond me. Pierre finally manages to get some offense in by sneaking up from behind on Scott. He later hits a Maneuver (#2), a guillotine splash onto Steiner on the second rope. The "mee-LAY" on the outside between Jacques and Rick distracts the referee's attention from the two men in the ring. Scott hits a Nice Maneuver (#3) on Pierre, sunset-flipping into a pin, but the referee is tied up with Johnny Polo, who must be saying something very pressing. One of these days, WWE will start instructing their referees that counting pinfalls and paying attention to the match takes precedence over conversing with a manager who jumps onto the apron. Seriously, though, this wrestling trope of the distracted referee needs some serious re-tooling. I'm not saying to never have the ref get distracted, I'm just saying to come up with more creative ways to do it. If the writers of the Little Rascals could keep coming up with new reasons for Moe Szyslak to stick his eye into a pipe and get a face full of soot, WWE writers can invent some more creative, less wallbanging excuses for the referees not to pay attention.
Heenan plugs Radio WWF, featuring Johnny Polo and Jim Ross, as fans at ringside make limp-wrist gestures at the Quebecers, chanting "Jacques is gay" and "Johnny Homo." Scott Steiner scores a Nice Maneuver (#4), driving Pierre into the corner. Heenan suggests that Themis Klarides rub VapoRub on his chest. Pierre hits a diving leg drop on Steiner, who kicks out. Steiner follows up the kickout with a series of near falls. Pierre tries a Vaderbomb, but Steiner moves out of the way, although Pierre's feet still connect. Scott hits the French-Canadian with a tiger driver and a Frankensteiner for the pinfall victory and, presumably, a tag team title shot.
Bam Bam BIgelow is in the ring to take on Laverne McGill. Bobby Heenan immediately makes the obvious Laverne & Shirley joke about the African-American (male) enhancement talent, who hits a number of dropkicks to the Beast from the East. Bam Bam charges him in the corner, but McGill moves out of the way, leading Bigelow to hit a Flair flip over the turnbuckle and onto the apron. Bigelow does regain control as Vince introduces Crush once again for a phone interview. Brudda Crush says he will return very soon. Vince puts Macho Man on the phone, who asks Crush if the rumors of his 550-pound behind-the-neck press are true. After Crush gives no answer, Vince asks if he can hear him, to which Crush responds in the affirmative. Crush says he will never speak to Randy Savage, then hangs up, leaving Macho perplexed. Meanwhile, as the match continues, Luna chokes Laverne outside the ring in what would be quite a catfight if Laverne were a woman as his name suggests. Bam Bam counters a sunset flip attempt by sitting on his opponent, like all big men should do, realistically. He ends the match with a senton splash.
Next, we get a replay of Doink dousing The Brain with water, marking the beginning of his unfortunate face turn, which would be solidified by his appearance on the King's Court on this weekend's Superstars. In spite of Heenan's cold, he's here tonight because he's a broadcast journalist.
Bret Hart has an interview with Vince McMahon about Jerry Lawler's attacks on his family and his match with the King at Summerslam, which ended in a reverse decision in favor of Lawler. Vince mentions that the last thing we saw from Jerry Lawler was him being carried out on a stretcher with his hand raised in celebration. The crowd lets out a big cheer, implying that they like that Jerry Lawler won, although judging by their other reactions in this interview, they were only cheering his being stretchered out of the arena. Hart runs down Jerry Lawler for being called a king without beating anyone. Incidentally, Lawler would say the same thing about Hart, to the cheers of the Memphis audiences, in USWA at the time. Vince asks how Bret would "rectify" the situation, which sounds like what that 15-year-old girl would accuse Jerry Lawler of doing a few months later. Bret says that his family is more important than titles. Chris Benoit did not watch this interview. Bret says that his only regret is not having held on to the Sharpshooter longer.
Next, in a Raw commercial, a cheap impersonator of Razor Ramon, Bret Hart, Tatanka, and Randy Savage shows up in a commercial before the real Randy swoops in and steals his lady. I don't know what's funnier; the fact that WWF would later debut an imitation of Razor Ramon as a wrestler, or the fact that Savage tells the woman, "You can call me 'randy.'"
As Mr. Perfect steps into the ring, Bobby Heenan complains about having to host All-American Wrestling with Joe Fowler. No, not the wildlife expert, but the new WWF broadcaster who debuted at Summerslam and whom nobody remembers. Perfect squares off with jobber and Perry Saturn punching bag Mike Bell as the fans in the front row chant, "We want Shawn." Perfect lands a series of chops on Bell, who fortunately does not drop Perfect on his head during this match. After a knee to the face, Bell sells the blow by seemingly making love to the canvas. After a chop fest, Perfect ends the match with a Perfectplex.
Ludvig Borga cuts a promo on pollution, laying into environmental neglect with the following couplet:
You call this the land of milk and honey?
Well, down here, it stinks funny.
He also takes exception for Lex Luger standing up for this pollution. I don't remember that particular aspect of the Lex Express tour; it must have aired on Wrestling Challenge or something. He calls Luger a "garbage driver," making Borga's departure from the WWF all the more disappointing. A feud with Duke "The Dumpster" Droese could have headlined MSG.
Heenan introduces us to another couple about to be engaged. Bobby Heenan hands her his used Kleenex as she accepts the proposal.
IRS comes to the ring to take on PJ Walker, but not before cutting a promo on the Manhattan tax cheats and Razor Ramon. He vows to demonstrate what IRS does to tax cheats. Razor comes to ringside, distracting Irwin long enough to allow Walker to roll up Schyster for the 1-2-3. This match is truly one for the record books (because outside of a record book, you will never, ever hear about this match again). I see big things in the future for PJ Walker, like a yellow jock strap on his head.
With Money, Inc. broken up and Ted DiBiase retired, at this point it's important for IRS to have a hot new angle or gimmick to keep his career going. For example, WWF could have had DiBiase stay on for just one more angle where Irwin turns face. I never understood why a tax man and a millionaire would be aligned in the first place, so to me, such a feud would be as natural as Nailz vs. Bossman (but obviously much better). IRS could threaten to audit DiBiase and expose the millions of dollars he has been hiding from the government. Irwin could call him the biggest tax cheat of all and blame him for the high taxes all the fans now have to pay. All of this could culminate in a match at Wrestlemania X to retire DiBiase.
Or how about a tag team? Instead of Irwin turning face, he could team with Ted DiBiase's fake Undertaker as the team of Death & Taxes. Just when it looks like they're going to beat the Headshrinkers for the tag titles on Raw in the summer of '94, the "fake" Undertaker (actually Mark Calloway himself), could tombstone Schyster then leave the ring, fueling speculation that the real Undertaker is back. Either that, or team him up with Nikolai Volkoff based on their love of wealth confiscation and call themselves USSR (Union of Soviet Socialist Rasslers). Or just take the Repo Man/Jean-Pierre LaFitte route and have IRS steal stuff like Razor's chains or Paul Bearer's urn.
Macho Man accepts a t-shirt from the National Children's Leukemia Foundation. No comment from me. A lesser blogger would make a leukemia joke right now, but I can assure you that such people don't have the legs to stand on! See? That was an amputee joke, not a leukemia joke. I'm a man of my word.
Bobby Heenan interviews the Quebecers, who are in high spirits despite Pierre's loss tonight. Johnny Polo wants to "categorically deny that we, the Quebecers and myself, are not scared of the Steiners in the least." So they are scared of them at least a little bit? Polo reminds Heenan that there are lots of great teams in the WWF, listing a number of duos including Well Dunn (it is at this point that fans should be able to tell that he's not being serious). Therefore, says Johnny, the Steiners will not get a rematch next week, although there will be a tag team title defense against somebody.
|You've seen Johnny Polo and Justin Credible. Next week, |
see the first ECW champion.