|Flesh-toned tights are a bad choice|
made worse as VHS tape degrades.
|The numbers spell disaster for Hardy and Riggins.|
Borne-Doink unicycles to the ring, but contrary to the pre-match graphics, he is not sporting an afro. Jannetty enters the ring to start this sure-to-be Maneuver-filled match. Bobby Heenan took a peek under the ring earlier tonight and says he found no Doinks, only Bill Clinton's half-brotehr Roger. In regards to Doink, Macho Man coins Steve Austin's motto, "DTA," this time standing for "Don't Trust him Anyway." More precisely, that should be "DTHA." The clown starts the match off methodically with a long headlock on Jannetty. Marty breaks free and runs the ropes with Doink, ending the sequence with a Maneuver (#3), a leapfrog followed by a reverse monkey flip. Doink breaks up the fast pace by slamming Jannetty's head to the mat with what Heenan calls a "Greco-Roman hair pull." Vince responds with, "Please, Mr. Heenan," which Bobby claims is what a Raw girl said to him. Doink and Marty get into a standoff, with Doink daring Jannetty to punch him. The former IC champion ducks a punch from the clown and the two begin crisscrossing the ropes. Jannetty stops running, watching Doink run the ropes on his own. "Jannetty makes a fool of Doink," says Vince without a trace of irony. Doink whips Jannetty to the ropes and tries to use the reverse monkey flip Marty used earlier, but his opponent puts on the brakes and punches him in the face. Vince says that Mr. Hughes will be in action, and that Wippleman's client stole the Undertaker's urn in the first of at least three stolen-urn storylines. With Doink in the corner, Jannetty jumps feet first with a High-Risk Maneuver (#4) but misses, getting crotched on the middle turnbuckle. Doink takes advantage by climbing the top rope and landing the Whoopee Cushion, which is simply called a cannonball at this point, for the first fall.
The next fall opens with Doink in control. Marty's Telegraphed Maneuver (#5), a back body drop, backfires when Doink kicks him while his head is down. The clown whips Jannetty at high speed into the buckle, leading Vince to shout, "WHAM!" If Paul Heyman were on commentary instead of Vince, I would be counting up the Whams instead of the Maneuvers. Doink follows this up with some insincere "I'm sorry"s, then pushes Jannetty to the floor and does an Unbelievable Maneuver (#6), a top-rope double axe-handle, which Randy notes that the clown stole from him. At this point, Vince brings up Yokozuna's challenge to any "red-blooded American professional athlete," meaning that Hunter Hearst Helmsley, the Connecticut Blue Blood, would be ineligible. Jannetty and the clown each attempt to suplex the other, with Marty eventually suplexing Doink with a Nice Maneuver (#7). The former IC champ then climbs the ropes, while Vince reminds us that his previous High-Risk Maneuver (#8) did not pay off. Doink takes a strategy rarely used by wrestlers; instead of walking towards the guy perched on the top rope, he moves to the opposite corner. Anyone who's played WWF Royal Rumble would already know that that's an effective tactic. Jannetty climbs down the ropes to a round of boos (not booze), but hits Doink squarely with an extremely loud savate kick. Doink rolls to the ropes on the fall down, allowing him to get a rope break on the subsequent pin attempt. Jannetty goes to the top once again, hitting a fist drop to put down the clown for the second fall.
By the third fall, Borne-Doink's makeup has all but washed off. Doink gets caught with an atomic drop and a clothesline, but then trips Jannetty and slams his legs against the ring post. Doink slaps on the figure-four in the middle of the ring; Marty's only hope is to roll onto his front, reversing the pressure, which he does after chants of "Marty" (which modern conventional wrestling wisdom says could never have existed because fans only cared about Shawn Michaels after the Rockers split) echo through the Mid-Hudson Civic Center. Doink grabs the ropes to break the hold. Macho Man provides analysis absent from modern Raws, pointing out that the leglock took away Marty's aerial offense. Doink puts an STF on Marty, but the crowd chants Marty's name again, not realizing that Marty Jannetty is a Marty Jannetty. Doink goes for his cannonball finisher once again from the top rope, but gets caught and slammed to the mat by Jannetty. Skinner-Doink, with full makeup, crawls under the ring, leading Jannetty to search for the second Doink under the ring. Borne-Doink hits an Unbelievable Maneuver (#9 -kick to the head) to send his opponent to the ground. "Doinks are like Jell-O: there's always room for more," says Heenan before the Doink crawls under the ring. Borne-Doink reemerges from under the ring and tries to sneak attack Jannetty, but gets punched out and rolls to the floor. He crawls under the ring again and performs Twin Magic, with a fresh and freshly-painted Skinner-Doink emerging. This time, Skinner-Doink has smeared his makeup slightly, but is still obviously a different Doink. Vince complains to that effect, but Bobby Heenan insists that it's the same Doink. "He's got on black shoes!" Checkmate, McMahon. The fresh Skinner-Doink trounces the worn-out Jannetty and piledrives him for the pin and the third and final fall. However, Randy Savage jumps into the ring, slams Skinner-Doink into the turnbuckle, then pulls Borne-Doink from under the ring. The referee then reverses the decision, leading Marty to win the deciding fall.
|"COPROS" is Greek for dung.|
Bobby Heenan is forced to explain how there were two Doinks, claiming that it's the first time he's ever seen two Doinks. Vince reminds us that Themis Klarides, who by now appears to be the only Raw girl left, is an attorney and personal trainer. Mr. Hughes, who Howard Finkel informs us is from Kansas City, "Missourah," comes to the ring with The Undertaker's urn in hand. His opponent is the walking Abbott and Costello routine, Bobby Who. "Finkel doesn't even know his last name," says Heenan. He and Vince then launch into "Who's on First?" I prepare to groan as Heenan sets up his tired joke about "urning" things: "If the Undertaker wants his urn back, he's gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way: he's gonna have to steal it." Ha. Nice save. Mr. Hughes leaves his feet to dropkick Bobby Who. "Can this man wrestle?" asks Heenan, perhaps not rhetorically. Audible "boring" chants are heard (otherwise, they wouldn't be audible) as Hughes teases a pinfall and Vince promotes the three Porky's movies on USA. "Where are those three porkies who used to carry the signs?" wonders Heenan. Hughes hits a Maneuver (#10 - powerslam) on Who but picks him off the mat before the count of three. Hughes has mercy on Who and the fans, finishing him off with a chokeslam/Bossman slam looking move.
Razor Ramon walks to the ring with his sack of money for his rematch against The Kid. No need to count that money; the sack is labeled "$10,000." This match is another sentimental favorite of mine, having been included on the Coliseum release, "WWF: Most Unusual Matches Ever." The Kid enters to no music as Bobby Heenan reserves a room for him at the local hospital. The Kid hits a sunset flip on Razor Ramon off the top rope for the "1-2-he got 'im! He got 'im! No he didn't." The Kid follows up this rare offense with a Maneuver (#11 -sinning heel kick) on Razor. The Kid continues running the ropes until a body press is countered by Ramon with a fallaway slam. Now it's Razor's return to exact revenge. The Kid tries to backflip out of a hiptoss, a Nice Maneuver (#12) that is quickly countered with a vicious chokeslam that Bobby Heenan thinks broke his neck. Razor follows this up with an abdominal stretch. Heenan quickly loses sympathy for The Kid, talking about how he bragged all around the world about beating Razor. The announcers comment on how Razor is getting his money's worth tonight. "He'll get 50,000 before he's done. Randy Savage prematurely calls a Kid comeback after he sort of lands a punch on Razor's midsection.
Savage: "Hey! He's going for it!"
McMahon. "Well, Razor's going for it. The Kid does not stand a chance right now."
Savage: "At least he's trying, though."
Razor hits a belly-to-back superplex on the Kid before signaling for the Razor's Edge. He then tosses The Kid to the outside as Heenan excitedly realizes that he's going for the Razor's edge on the cement. Razor pulls up the mats and attempts his finisher, only for the Kid to counter with a Maneuver (#13), back body-dropping Ramon onto the cement (but mostly onto the mats). The Kid follows this up with an attempted dive off the top rope, which goes awry when he slips, land hard on the concrete. "A gallant effort on the part of The Kid," says McMahon. "A gallant effort," responds The Brain, sarcastically. Razor puts the Kid back into the ring. Razor charges at him in the corner, but like last time, Waltman ducks, leaving Razor dazed. Just like last time, the Kid hits the moonsault, but this time he only gets a two-count. He then grabs the sack of money and hauls ass out of the arena as Razor chases the Kid in vain a la Rob Feinstein. The Kid jumps into a getaway car with The Bad Guy's money and rides off.
Razor gets on the mic and vows revenge on the "stickmang." Next week, Yokozuna will be interviewed (what a novel idea: the champion appearing on TV) and Shawn Michaels will defend his Intercontinental title against Kamala.
0 Uncut, uncensored, uncookeds (Cumulative total: 33)
12 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 136)