|It's that episode! Well, it's not literally the episode in the picture, but it summarizes tonight's Raw nicely.|
|Like Mark Henry, except in serious contention for a medal.|
|No one has been struck by any of the... explosions.|
|There is no way this is going to end well.|
|1: to provoke impatience, anger, or displeasure in|
A commercial runs for WWF Mania, which airs Saturday mornings at 10 on USA. I hear the matches on that show include shots to the head and neck. On a Saturday morning? Those monsters.... Terry Taylor takes on Tatanka on the next Mania in a battle for the right to have stupid red streaks down one's mullet.
Intercontinental champion Shawn Michaels comes to the ring in a cut-away vest and leather chaps in bold defiance of those "Shawn is gay" chants directed at him in the past weeks (a chant which begins again immediately after his music stops playing). Shawn says that he is a man of his word and cites his promises to win the IC title, defend it all over the world, and beat Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Vince claims that Shawn is a bit of a reluctant champion (given his numerous deliberate countout losses to Tatanka and Jim Duggan). Shawn responds by promising to defend his title anywhere, any time, against anybody.
|"Mang, the chicas, they're for fun."|
|The 6-9 Kid.|
To kick off the King of the Ring report, Mean Gene shows his bewilderment at the events of tonight's Raw. He says that Shawn and Marty make Carl Lewis look slow. I'd say they're all about equal in terms of speed and singing ability. Six of the competitors have already qualified: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon. Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Bam Bam Bigelow, and Lex Luger vs. Tatanka. If Bret Hart is the #1 seed out of eight men, does that make Razor Ramon the #8 seed? That doesn't seem right, except for his loss to a jobber just a few minutes ago. Shawn Michaels takes on Crush, and Kamala takes on Mr. Hughes over the weekend, to (hopefully) fill the remaining spots. Mr. Perfect vs. Doink had resulted in yet another time limit draw.
Okerlund: Bobby, I've got an old flame of yours joining us this weekend on All-American. Yeah, Sensational Sherri. Hey Macho Man, do you think he should be watching out for a head scissors?
Macho Man: Or a sunset flip! Sexy! I like it!
Kamala takes on Yokozuna in the fourth of five matches tonight. They're not messing around tonight, are they? Slick is not in Kamala's corner tonight, though Yokozuna has geishas and Mr. Fuji. Heenan has no doubt that Kamala will not be able to slam Yoko tonight (despite his having slammed the late Andre the Giant). The announcers comment on how this show is uncooked, uncut, and unbelievable (#2). Vince speculates that Hulk Hogan is watching this match. Remember him? He's the WWF champion for some reason. By now, Yokozuna is visibly heavier than he's ever been (but much lighter than he ever will be again). Randy recaps the controversy around Yoko getting the title shot instead of Bret. If this angle were run today, the obvious solution would be a triple threat match for the title, and everyone would groan at yet another triple threat match. Such innovations, however, would not come about until Gorilla Monsoon became Federation president. The match starts out with a lot of bending over and ramming, like a night with Pat Patterson (I've run out of Pat Patterson gay jokes, is what I'm getting at). Yokozuna hits what might best be described as karate chops (if you're a racist) to knock Kamala off his feet. Kamala gets to his feet even after a legdrop, fighting back with what I might call a tomahawk chop (See? He's not Native American. Not racist.) to Yokozuna. Kamala seems to be gaining momentum, but gets tripped by Mr. Fuji, allowing the #1 contender to nail him with a Maneuver (#2 - savate kick) into the corner. After splash and a running butt bump, a Devastating Maneuver (#3) in and of itself, Yoko hits the Banzai Drop for the victory.
|Your cultural moment of the evening.|
|Pictured (left to right): Gluteus maximus, Bill Alfonso.|
Shawn vs. Marty is our main event tonight. Marty Jannetty finally returns to the ring, and he's wearing the same gear that his action figure wears. The action gets off to a quick start, with lots of Irish whips, leapfrogs, and sunset flips. Shawn tries to hiptoss Jannetty, but he lands on his feet with a Maneuver (#4) and clotheslines the champion. The challenger then clotheslines Michaels once again, this time over the top rope to the outside, then lands a Beautiful Maneuver (#5 - baseball slide), skins the cat back into the ring, and jumps right back onto Michaels with a plancha. A "Marty" chant, which wrestling lore would have you believe never existed, breaks out in the Manhattan Center. A Japanese arm drag and a flying head scissors (not the sexy Sensational Sherri kind) nearly earns Jannetty a pinfall. "Who knows Shawn Michaels better than Marty Jannetty?" asks Savage. "Nobody," responds McMahon, before adding hastily, "except maybe... I don't know, Mr. Perfect... knows him any better, I don't know." Way to kill the moment, Vince. Jannetty continues to toss Michaels around, hitting him with a baaack body drop and whipping him to the corner and to the outside. "Marty Jannetty on ICO-PRO, no doubt." ICO-PRO: the WWF's answer to Powersauce bars. HBK takes the belt and leaves ringside before Mr. Perfect stands in his way in the aisle and forces him back to the ring.
|This match sets the all-time Raw record for most Maneuvers, with 7.|
Marty retains the advantage throughout the commercial break but attempts another head scissors, which Michaels reverses by hanging up Marty on the ropes. "What a Maneuver" (#6), Vince exclaims. "What a Maneuver [#7] on the part of Shawn Michaels!" Vince reiterates that "Anything can happen on Monday Night Raw! Anything can happen in the WWF!" For once, given the events of tonight, he doesn't sound like a complete shill. "You never know what's gonna happen here," agrees Heenan. "I hate it here!" Michaels wears down Jannetty until he comes up short on a dropkick and gets caught, getting catapulted into the top turnbuckle and nearly pinned. Mt. Perfect, still at ringside, looks on. Michaels whips Jannetty into the corner, but he counters with a Maneuver (#8), jumping to the second rope, faking a body press, leading Michaels to duck to the ground prematurely and prompting Vince to again exclaim, "What a Maneuver that was!" (#9). Jannetty hits a body press for real this time for a two-count. The two exchange go-behinds, with Michaels backflipping right over Jannetty with a Maneuver (#10) and sparking a series of roll-ups and reversals. Michaels winds up with his tights pulled partially down. "It's almost 10 o'clock," says The Brain, "We should have seen the moon anyway by now." HBK hits the superkick, but it's not his finisher yet, so all is not lost for Jannetty. Michaels takes the opportunity to climb the ropes to yell at Mr. Perfect, and surprise, surprise, the distraction blows up in HBK's face. Perfect hurls his towel at him, throwing Shawn off balance and making him easy prey for a Jannetty inside cradle for the pin and the title.
With ten Maneuvers in just one hour, this is the best Raw yet and would be the best for years to come, and for obvious reason. That was one hell of a Tatanka/Scott Taylor match.
2 Uncut, uncensored, uncookeds (Cumulative total: 30)
10 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 82)