Bam Bam starts off by pounding Hart down with punches. He whips Hart to the ropes, but the Hitman counters with a Nice Maneuver (#1), sliding between Bigelow's legs and catching him with a series of right hands. A running dropkick and a clothesline send the big man over the top rope. Hart follows Bigelow to the outside, but gets distracted by Luna. Bam Bam tries to club him from behind, but Bret turns around in time to counter. With Bigelow rolled back into the ring, Hart executes a seated senton from the top rope, but injures his knee on the landing.
Bret Hart spends most of the commercial break outside the ring nursing his injury, then rolls back in when he gets word that he's back on the air. Bigelow hits a devastating belly-to-back suplex, lifting Bret way up high. Bobby Heenan claims that Hart's parents are there to hit their son up for money. Meanwhile, Hart tries a body press on Bam Bam, but gets caught and slammed by the Beast from the East. He then hits a series of falling headbutts on Bret, but misses the last one and gets caught with another belly-to-back suplex, this time with Hart taking down Bam Bam. In response to Bret's big-man move, Bigelow hits a small-man move, dropkicking Hart and then slapping on a chinlock in time for the commercial.
Surprise, surprise, Bigelow still has the same hold on Hart after the commercial break. Bret stands up, but gets his face raked. Regardless, the hold is broken, allowing Bret to back body drop the 350+ pounder. He then rakes Bam Bam's eye across the top rope, which, according to Exposed: Pro Wrestling's Greatest Secrets, is executed with the victim's thumb making contact with the rope. Who'd a thunk it? Hart then headbutts Bam Bam's backside, giving new meaning to the term "head butt," according to Heenan. Hart jumps on Bigelow's back with a sleeper hold, but gets his head rammed into the top turnbuckle in a Nice Maneuver (#2). Bret bounces back with a Maneuver (#3), bulldogging his opponent. Vince explains that Bret needs to perform High-Risk Maneuvers (#4) to put Bam Bam away.
Bret starts to put the Sharpshooter to end the match, but he is interrupted by Jerry Lawler, who has a live microphone and starts harassing Stu and Helen in the balcony. Bret attempts to jump the rail, but he is stopped by Bigelow and dragged into the ring. Lawler mentions Stu and Helen's twelve children, then ridicules their sex lives, past and present. Hearing Bret's parents try to make comebacks is as painful for us as it is for the Hitman. "Why don't you put your false teeth in backwards and eat yourself?" Lawler asks Stu. "I understand that when [Bret] was born, Stu tried to collect on his accident insurance." Vince is not amused at all, remarking how distracting this must be for Bret. The commentary and focus of the match has ground to a halt, with Bam Bam dominating Hart while Jerry calls both Bret and Stu losers. After Lawler says that Stu and Helen are so old that when they were young, the Dead Sea was only sick, Helen replies with this scorching retort: "If it was sick, it was because it was near... you."
Bam Bam misses a somersault off the top rope, allowing Bret a chance for some offense. Meanwhile, Vince apologizes to the viewers for Jerry Lawler, perhaps for distracting McMahon from calling all the Maneuvers going on in the match. Bret finally bails from the ring and hops the rail to get to Lawler. Pat Patterson, who was with Lawler in the balcony, is now in the lower deck to guide Hart through the crowd. Hart gets counted out while Lawler walks away and out the door. Bret Hart arrives just in time to miss Lawler, but hugs his mom as we go to the Summerslam Report. Normally, when someone shows up at ringside to distract a wrestler, the person stands on the ring apron, leading the wrestler to stupidly take a swing and then get rolled up for a pinfall loss. This time is a completely different case altogether, with Lawler being just brutal and relentless, distracting not only Bret but the announcers and the fans.
Mean Gene announces that the Luger-Yokozuna WWF Title match is official, although Lex must wear a protective pad over his forearm. Gene hypes up the Lawler-Hart match, then does his best to get us excited about the Rest in Peace match between the Undertaker and Giant Gonzalez, despite the fact that no one knows the rules and Giant Gonzalez is wrestling in it.
|Really? Ross? Are you sure it's not "Russ"?|
We go to highlights of the release party for RCA Records's latest CD, "Wrestlemania: the Album," featuring such hits as "Tatanka Native American" (better known as "Tatanka (Buffalo), Randy Savage's "Speaking from the Heart," and the tender Bret Hart ballad, "Never Been a Right Time to Say Goodbye." The album actually reached #10 on the UK charts, having sold "over a hundred thousand copies" at the time of this episode. Its executive producer? Simon Cowell. The notoriously merciless judge of X Factor and American Idol once produced an album consisting entirely of pro wrestlers talking over generic backing tracks recorded by studio musicians. Macho Man presented a new ukulele to Tiny Tim after his was destroyed the previous week on Raw.
|Vlad the Superfan is glad Macho Man got the party started.|
The Smoking Gunns are in action, as the future Mr. Ass teams up with the future Butterbean victim to take on the future Gillberg and the future Thrasher. Billy opens the match with a Nice Maneuver (#5), leapfrogging over Duane Gill. Bart tags in and lands a Maneuver (#6) on both his opponents, hitting a double-crossbody. Heenan jokes that Dr. Ruth is Glen Ruth's mother. Billy hits numerous dropkicks (rivaled only by Hardcore Holly) on Glen Ruth and Duane Gill throughout the match. The Gunns make frequent tags, eventually finishing of Ruth (Glen, not Dr.) with their back body drop/piledriver combination, which may or may not be called "Trouble in River City." A Music Man reference for the Smoking Gunns? Sure, why not.
A video package of Ludvig Borga (or "Loodwig Borg," as he pronounces it) airs, featuring footage from Superstars. Vince interviews Lex Luger at a TNA pay-per-view arena. Oh, my mistake. That's the Manhattan Center before the doors opened. A newly humble Lex Luger, who last month was posing in front of mirrors, claims to be open to tough questions about his past while touring the company on the Lex Express (Like a five-year-old who might ask him if it's true that he would intimidate the drug testers into okaying his urine sample). Luger claims that the Lex Express won't stop, even though he has been granted his title shot (probably so that he can collect more footage for his music video).
Doink the Clown takes on Phil Apollo (not to be confused with Ray Apollo, who took on the Doink persona after Matt Borne left the company). Randy Savage tells us to look at Doink's eyes, because you can tell a lot about someone by their eyes. Randy always wears sunglasses; what is he trying to hide? Doink locks Apollo in a body scissors, which Vince calls a "figure four" for some reason. Heenan finds humor in Doink, but Vince insists that "there's really nothing funny at all about Doink. He's an evil, evil man, an evil clown." After putting over the evilness of Doink, Vince promotes the wholesome qualities of Lex Luger, promoting a series of interviews that will air over the following weeks, including questions with the #1 contender about steroid use in sports. If you want to make it really interesting, hook him up to a polygraph. Doink finishes off Apollo with a cannonball.
|Vlad the Superfan thinks Doink is #1.|
"So what's the surprise?" asks Vince. "There is no surprise; that's what the surprise is." Keep in mind, this is Vince McMahon speaking, but he sounds more like Vince Russo. However, Doink grabs the mic, but waits until after the return from commercial to address the "Macho Boy," inviting him into the ring. Randy stays put, leading Doink to come down to the floor and challenge Savage to a match next week. Doink says that Macho won't be seeing double vision, but triple vision, pointing out another Doink in the ring and yet another clown in the balcony (no, not Stu Hart, a clown in face paint dressed like Doink). Savage promises Doink a "little surprise" next week. the music video for the title track of the new Wrestlemania album plays us out (although the next Wrestlemania won't be held for another nine months).