Friday, December 21, 2012

Figure Friday: Below the Belt with Money, Inc.

Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster shared a lot of things: a team name, a tag team title, an affinity for money, and, unlike many other tag teams, a lower body. At least as far as Hasbro was concerned. No, we never saw a Siamese twin figure of DiBiase and Rotundo, but we did see a pair of action figures with many similar features, including a recycled lower body with stomping action.

Fortunately for Hasbro, both The Million Dollar Man and IRS wore dress pants to the ring, so both figures could share the same parts. Down there. You know what I mean: their legs and feet.

The figures also had the same spring mechanism that allowed them to stomp with their right legs when you raised their right arms. This same mechanism was also used by the Bushwhacker Butch figure (and later a Bushwhacker Luke figure), which pretty brilliantly approximates the Bushwhacker dance that was so popular with the kids. Unfortunately, a Survivor Series team of Money, Inc. and the New Zealanders never happened, robbing Hasbro and the WWF of a perfect cross-promotional deal. 

Likewise, it's a shame Ronnie Garvin never got a Hasbro figure, thus depriving millions of his young fans the chance to perform a life-like Garvin Stomp to the figure's plastic opponents.

An interesting note on the two figures' finishing moves: While Ted's is called the "Million Dollar Stomp," Irwin's is called the "Write-Off Slam," which is neither the Write-Off (a clothesline) nor a slam, but a downward blow. Also of note is that IRS's finisher here does not even acknowledge the fact that he is simultaneously stomping, thus replicating actual pro wrestling where the wrestlers stomp the mat to create the sonic illusion of impact. That's some kayfabe-breaking stuff right there; I'm surprised Hasbro never packaged figures with mini razor blades for juicing or little condoms full of dye for spitting green mist.

An unfortunate side effect of the figures' stompin' design, though, is that it forces the wrestlers to have disproportionately large upper bodies. DiBiase, with his thick jacket, can pull it off, but IRS's shirt and suspenders leave little to the imagination. With his huge barrel chest and miniscule legs, the man looks like a cartoon character or, at best, Masa & Mune from Chrono Trigger.

There are a few other disconcerting features on Irwin's figure. For one thing, his tie is decorated with commas for some reason. Perhaps this was a foreshadowing of Kama, the Supreme Fighting Machine, who would later join DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation. Another notable aspect of the figure is Irwin's face, in which his chin is practically touching his collar bone. The closest approximation of this face I can find is that "Ermahgerd" meme going around the 'net these days. 

Hasbro should write the IRS figure off as a loss.

That's it for today. I'll see you next time on Her Merch Ders Thers Ger Werr?


  1. I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard at something on the internet.
    ERMAHGERD TERX CHERTS almost made me Orton in my pants.

  2. Are we gonna call what The Bushwhackers do a dance? I always saw it as more of a march.

  3. The Marching Forearms as one Jesse Ventura would call it.