Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Raw #66 - June 6th, 1994

Raw emanates from Youngstown, Ohio for the third week in a row as Tatanka and Crush face off in a rematch from last week's inconclusive King of the Ring qualifying match. As per usual, tonight's main event opens the show, which realistically is what an organization would do to make sure its feature attraction doesn't run over time if it only had one hour of television. The lumberjacks are in the process of filing in when the show opens, leading to a confrontation between Razor Ramon and IRS.
As Crush enters, Vince says that he "took Tatanka to the limit last week." While that is technically true, the "limit" in question was the ten seconds that the wrestlers are allowed to stay outside the ring. McMahon compares the "see-saw" action of last week's qualifier to the NBA playoff series between the New York Knicks and the Indiana Pacers. IRS slides into the ring to take a shot at Tatanka, drawing most of the other lumberjacks into the squared circle as well. The referee then clears the ring, but Crush already has the advantage over Tatanka, pounding him to open the match. The Hawaiian tosses Tatanka out of the ring to the heel section of the lumberjacks, who throw the face back into the ring after a few cheap shots. Crush then picks up his opponent with "a scoop," leaving Vince puzzled as to what he will do next. Silly McMahon, it's obviously going to be "a slam" ("with authority!"). After Crush misses a knee drop, though, Tatanka takes advantage with a "Mexican arm drag," which is what Vince calls a Japanese arm drag. The heel then gets dropkicked  into the face segment of the lumberjacks and gets thrown back in.
Kwang stands by his fellow fake Asian
and shows off his new red mask.
The Wrestlecrap All-Stars.

Vince reminds the viewers as Raw returns from break that if Crush wins this match, he will not only be challenging for the tag team titles with Yokozuna, but he will also be attempting to win the tournament. Macho Man says that Crush needs a reality check and an attitude adjustment, no doubt inspiring young Mike Mizanin and John Cena to become pro wrestlers. Crush puts Tatanka on the mat and applies an ARM BAR while Randy expressing his amazement that Jerry Lawler would bring Roddy Piper onto the King's Court as a guest. Vince fires back with not one but two WWF slogans, commenting that anything can happen in the WWF because the WWF is unbelievable. He also lets the viewers at home know that Lex Luger has been excluded from the list of lumberjacks by Federation President Jack Tunney. Crush will qualify for the KOTR if he can beat Tatanka, but "if" is a big word according to Randy, who must have trouble solving the Junior Jumble. The decision to have a rematch between two men who previously wrestled to a draw in a King of the Ring qualifying match was "unprecedented," according to Vince, if you forget about the three matches between Doink and Mr. Perfect last year. Crush hits a "reverse atomic drop," according to Vince, who must have been corrected by Randy after he called the move a "piledriver" last week. The Native American makes a small comeback before getting distracted by IRS and taking a "devastating savate kick" from Crush. Tatanka escapes from a body scissors to deliver a scoop slam and an elbow drop.
The Native American retains the momentum throughout the break, but gets hit with another inverted atomic drop. I think McMahon told Crush to do that move twice in this match just so Vince could call it correctly. Chaka Bra tosses Tatanka to the outside so that his tag team partner Yokozuna can stomp him. The twice-defeated Native American kicks out of the subsequent pin. Crush hits a suplex and a leg drop but still only gets a two-count. Savage thinks Crush knew that a "vertical soo-play" alone wouldn't put Tatanka down. Crush gets pulled by the tights to the outside and into the face lumberjacks. Crush tries to fight off the lumberjacks rather than re-enter the ring, a Stupid Maneuver (#1) in McMahon's opinion. During the fracas, Lex Luger comes to ringside and delivers an elbow smash, knocking Crush out. The lumberjacks roll Crush into the ring, where Tatanka covers Crush for the victory. He faces Owen Hart in the first round of the King of the Ring tournament.

Speaking of which, Todd Pettengill gives us the King of the Ring report while wearing a black nylon jacket over top of his hideous t-shirt from last week. The man knows style. The PPV event is on Fathers' Day, so it needs an old man on commentary with no wrestling knowledge to whom dads of wrestling fans everywhere can relate. Bret Hart, who defends his title against Diesel, has announced that a family member will be in his corner to even the odds against Diesel and HBK. Roddy Piper says that he's a second cousin of Bret and could lend a hand if necessary. He then takes us on a tour of his old apartment building in the slums. Whether it was owned by Paul Christy is a mystery. Todd sends it back to Vince and Randy and asks them about the Flintstone movie. "You yabba-dabba-don't wanna see it," says Macho.

Ironically, wearing the letters "WWF" used to be
a guarantee that you would get on camera.
Next week is the Countdown to the Crowning special, which Vince says is a special edition of Monday Night Raw, so it will indeed be recapped on this site. The Headshrinkers defend the tag team titles against the Quebecers in the French-Canadians' last televised WWF match for three and a half years.

Bam Bam Bigelow, who earlier "today" (actually two weeks after the taping) participated in the D-Day tug of war challenge, faces the pontiff himself, John Paul in a squash match. The pope dodges a splash by the big man and puts his superstar challenger in an ARM BAR before getting taken down with a body slam. Vince mistakes Luna Vachon at ringside for Wilma Flintstone, prompting Savage to confess his childhood crush on Betty Rubble. He then announces his plans to challenge Alundra Blayze for her Women's Title before challenging Dink. Savage then prepares to read some promotional material for USA, which he calls his "most pressurous moment." Vince and Savage debate over whether pressurous is a word before Randy plugs Target of Suspicion. I am a big fan, by the way, of Macho Man Randy Savage saying the word, "sexxyyy!" Bam Bam gets sunset-flipped by John Paul for a one-count, then hits a spinning splash for a Maneuver (#2) that ends the match.

Next, we see clips from earlier "today" at the D-Day Challenge in New York City, "in the shadow of the USS Intrepid," where last year Lex Luger slammed Yokozuna to win the title of "Hulk Hogan." We are supposed to believe that Bam Bam, the Headshrinkers, and Men on a Mission were in New York this morning, then trekked back to Youngstown, Ohio where the WWF has for some reason decided to hold Raw three weeks in a row, rather than taping all the episodes in town on the same night. The WWF Superstars defeated members of the Marines, Navy, and Coast Guard, prompting Vince to declare, "The United States of America... winning once again!" even though the military team lost and two of the Superstars are supposedly from Samoa.
Jerry Lawler is in the ring, commanding the audience to kneel down before him and... kiss his royal feet, What else did you expect him to demand from an audience member on her knees? This week's guest on the King's Court, Jerry reminds us, is from Scotland and wears a dress and a t-shirt with "Hot Rod" written on it. Bagpipe music plays, but instead of Roddy Piper, a skinny impersonator walks to the ring. Technically, Lawler never said that Roddy Piper would be his guest. Vince asks who this person is, to which Savage replies in disgust, "I'm not even gonna ignore that statement," suggesting that he doesn't know the meanings of "ignore" and "statement." The impersonator, who sounds a bit like Piper but doesn't have the right hair, says that he's starring in a sequel to the Wrestlecrap-inducted film, Hell Comes to Frogtown entitled, Hell Comes to Dogtown, starring his own family. The imitation Piper sits down and crosses his legs, but Jerry tells him to stand up and that he's been in California too long. The fake Piper is also sporting an earring on his right ear. These are gay jokes, for the record. He then begs the King to call off the King of the Ring match, then kisses Jerry's feet and crawls out of the ring.

Razor Ramon takes on Keith Davis (not to be confused with Keith David, Roddy Piper's costar who refused to put on his sunglasses in They Live). Davis attempts a cross body block, but gets caught by Razor, who hits a Patented Razor Ramon Maneuver (#3 - fallaway slam). With high-flying moves like that, Davis could pass for a sixteen-year-old Jeff Hardy (especially since he is, in fact, a sixteen-year-old Jeff Hardy wrestling under a pseudonym, presumably because he was underage). The Bad Guy then puts Hardy in an abdominal stretch, then puts his head on the middle rope and stomps it, saying, "Welcome to the big time, chico!" "Things will get betta!" assures Randy. Ramon puts "Davis" up in Razor's Edge-position, but brings then sits him on the top turnbuckle, only to throw him back to the mat and putting him in a belly-to-back superplex. Vince grills Savage on who he thinks will win the first round of the King of the Ring tournament, and Randy gives a 100% accurate analyzation. A Razor's Edge (for real this time) puts away "Keith Davis" as Macho Man scrambles to say, "I predict Razor will win this match!" Shockingly, he is right. One of these men will never win a world title, while the other will hold three different world titles across two promotions for multiple reigns.
In a blurry vignette, Paul Bearer refuses to believe that Ted DiBiase
will bring The Undertaker back to the WWF this weekend on Superstars.
The Headshrinkers vs. The Quebecers, which Macho calls the
"tag team match of the century," will be on next week's Raw.
Ted Dibiase joins the announcers to close the show and
guarantee the Undertaker on this weekend's Superstars.

Final Tally:

3 Maneuvers (Year total: 80)

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