Thursday, December 20, 2012

Raw #69 - June 27th, 1994

Jerry Lawler's garbage can attack on Duke "The Dumpster" Droese is the subject of tonight's cold opening. Monsoon calls Lawler's use of a trash can as a weapon, "the unthinkable." The unthinkable would later happen hundreds of times in the Attitude Era to kill time during hardcore matches. The Dumpster says that it's one thing to jump him from behind, but it's another thing to hit him with his own trash can. You tell 'im, Duke! Lawler cuts his own studio promo justifying his attack on Droese, citing The Dumpster's dumping of trash on the King, but he is told by an off-camera voice (which one subscriber pointed out is Shane McMahon) that he is supposed to apologize. Lawler says he would rather be fined or suspended than apologize before eventually offering an insincere "I apologize," which he swears he'll never say again. This is one feud that's destined to be settled at Summerslam! No, just kidding. This is Duke "The Dumpster" Droese we're talking about.

Mabel enters first tonight, led to the ring by Oscar. Together, they comprise the duo of MO, which is coincidentally the name of the tag team partner who's injured at the moment. Macho Man praises "the glitz and the glamor that only Mabel can portray." Mabel's opponent is his fellow King of the Ring entrant, Bam Bam Bigelow, accompanied by his main squeeze Luna Vachon. Monsoon is under the impression that the pair will be getting married, but Randy explains that the wedding invitation he claimed to have gotten was just a rib on Gorilla. The two behemoths go at it, with Bam Bam hitting a Maneuver right off the bat in the form of an enziguiri kick. Unfortunately, with Monsoon replacing McMahon, that "Maneuver" cannot be added to the running tally, which currently stands at 80 for this year alone. Bigelow whips Mabel over with a snapmare better than Fabulous Moolah's (which, although she performed it several dozen times a match, was not particularly well-executed). Luna stands on the apron and Bam Bam whips Mabel to the ropes, sending Luna flying off the ring apron. Years later, Charlie Haas would accidentally do that to Lilian Garcia, leading WWE to book a feud between Charlie and Lilian's love interest, Viscera (known in 1994 as Mabel). The big man, I mean, the bigger man (the black guy) hits a "beautiful clothesline." A concerned Oscar, however, is calling for medical assistance for Luna Vachon, proving that Art Donovan wasn't far off when he thought the rapper was there to take somebody to the hospital. Bam Bam misinterprets Oscar's proximity to Vachon, leading Bigelow to shove the guy in the white suit. Mabel splashes Bam Bam on the outside. The two brawl on the arena floor, with Mabel sneaking into the ring in time to score a countout victory. Luna gets back to her feet and enters the ring to console the Beast from the East. The two get into an argument, drawing Ted DiBiase to the ring.
Footage airs from Superstars in which DiBiase brings out the "Undertaker" to the Heartbreak Hotel. Brian Lee does a pretty good vocal imitation of the real Undertaker, but apparently has him confused with FDR, stating that there is nothing to fear but fear itself... and the wrath of the Undertaker. The impostor-Taker, whom the announcers think is the genuine article (after all, he can turn the house lights on and off with his arms), even debuted in the ring this past weekend on Superstars accompanied by his "owner," Ted DiBiase. "I guess Bob Dylan was right," says Macho, "when he said, 'Money doesn't talk, it screams.'" Actually, that's, "Money doesn't talk, it swears," from "It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)." What is The Undertaker supposed to be doing with all this money he's getting from DiBiase? Riding jet-skis? Going to fancy restaurants? Owning apartment buildings
Themis Klarides holds a grammatically incorrect sign as IRS delivers a rant about taxes on a dead microphone. You can just make out something about health care. Speaking of making out, taxes, and health care, do you think Connecticut Rep. Klarides ever consults Irwin R. Schyster for financial policy? I don't know if Themis is an IRS fan, but one young man in the audience certainly isn't, and he expresses his disapproval with a middle finger that he slips in between Jimmy Snuka-style hand gestures in order to slip by the post-production censors. Rich Myers, prominent Raw jobber, is Irwin's opponent tonight. A wristlock by Schyster ends with a pull of Myers' flowing mullet. irwin follows up with a side suplex, abdominal suplex, and a vertical suplex with a "nice snap job" according to Monsoon. A chinlock, half nelson, and a scoop slam set up Myers for one of IRS's little-known finishers, an STF called "The Penalty." While Gorilla talks about hearing information through the "gorilla-vine," Macho Man wishes he had a "macho-vine" (proving that that newly-coined term is not, in fact, a nickname for his penis), and IRS picks up the submission victory with the Penalty.
Jerry Lawler's talk segment is next. Who's on the King's Court? Yes, that's correct, although he's still going by "Jim Neidhart" at this point. Jerry welcomes the man he credits with founding the Hart Foundation, who comes to the ring to Bret Hart's music. I guess Jim Johnston didn't have a bunch of generic rock tracks lying around for theme songs for new or returning wrestlers. Lawler apologizes for the fan's disrespectful reception of the Anvil, which Gorilla notes is another apology from the King tonight. The fans chant, "We Want Bret," prompting King to say that no one wants Bret Hart, but Monsoon disagrees, saying that everyone wants Bret Hart (especially the many ring rats throughout the country). Anvil and the King accuse Bret Hart of being dead weight who had to be carried by Neidhart in the Hart Foundation. Anvil says that Bret called him up for backup, although Bret says that Jim volunteered for the job. Anvil says that he kept the title on Bret Hart so that Owen could claim it for himself. Owen comes down the aisle in full regalia. Owen's crown is much bigger than Lawler's, and it doesn't even have human feces in it. Lawler commands the audience to bow to the King of Harts. Owen is glad to finally be getting respect (despite being a grown man wearing a crown and robe). He claims that The Anvil is the only member of his family whom he can trust (and not, say, his niece Satanic Ecstasy). He then cuts a promo on his brother YouBret. After beating his brother at Wrestlemania and winning the King of the Ring tournament, the only thing left for Owen to do is "to take YouBret and beat you for the World Wrestling Federation title." Owen's music, which is still his High Voltage theme and not some new, royal-sounding piece, drowns out the last thirty seconds or so of this segment.

Careful how you put those boots on, Lex. Cena's gonna be maaaaaaad.

Kwang (the future Savio Vega) is in the ring with jobber Mike Maraldo (the future Ace Darling) as Raw returns. The masked ninja spits out red mist (which burns more than green mist) into the air. Macho Man hypes up the USA Friday movie, Pump Up the Volume starring Christian Slater as Kwang tosses Maraldo around the ring and softens him up with spinning heel kicks. The ninja is sporting his new apple-red mask to go along with his pear-shaped body. Maraldo gets in a few seconds of offense but gets caught on an attempted monkey flip. Kwang hits yet another spinning heel kick to pin the jobber.
The Headshrinkers, Randy's new favorite tag team of all time, are led to the ring by Afa and Capt. Lou, whom Randy says is the only lawyer whom Robert Shapiro hasn't contacted to be part of his defense team. Albano isn't a lawyer at all, but this marks the first of undoubtedly many references to the OJ trial on Raw. The Samoans face the Executioners (masked Duane Gill and Barry Hardy, although Randy calls them Executioners #99 and #44, so I can't be sure). Fatu hits a powerslam (and a beauty!) on one of the masked men, then lands another one (but not a beauty this time) on his other masked opponent. He then puts the double noggin-knocker on his two opponents, while Randy talks about having delivered a single noggin-knocker, but not a double. I'm not sure how that works, but I guess it's a riddle like the sound of one hand clapping. Monsoon talks about the World Cup of soccer and the team from the nation of Cameroon. "I though that was a cookie!" says Randy. "No," says Gorilla. "That's a macaroon!" Samu tags in to deliver more punishment to the Executioners (which is rather ironic, am I right?). Summerslam tickets in Chicago, say the announcers, are selling much faster than those for Woodstock (the unfortunate Woodstock revival in 1994, that is). Fatu tags in and has an opportunity to pin one of his opponents, but lifts him up and tags Samu back in. He puts an Executioner in the corner, climbs to the second rope while holding him in a front facelock, and delivering a DDT to the mat. Samu lifts up his opponent before a three-count, which Gorilla takes exception to, urging the Samoans to "take the money and go home." Gorilla is the only announcer to still talk about "the winner's purse," now that Jesse The Body is gone. It's certainly a good explanation for why wrestlers should care about winning matches. The announcers get word about an altercation backstage involving Ted DiBiase while the Headshrinkers tease a few more pinfalls before Fatu wins with a splash.

We then see footage from the locker room where DiBiase (with Nikolai Volkoff) is discussing something with Bam Bam and Luna. DiBiase immediately tells the camera man to leave, which is something that very few wrestlers do nowadays. On modern Raws, people discuss their secret plans and have "confidential" meetings in full view of the cameras backstage, as if breaking the fourth wall is worse than letting their secrets be filmed and broadcast around the world. Volkoff chases the cameraman out of the room.
Lex Luger's music hits, and Hulk Hogan #2 slaps hands with the fans on his way to the ring. "Look at that tremendous body," says Monsoon. "Thank you," says Randy. "I didn't think you noticed, Gorilla." Monsoon corrects Savage, then promises tremendous action, but instead we get Luger vs. a jobber. He lands a glancing blow on the man in a black singlet, which topples the enhancement talent like a tidal wave. Meanwhile, DiBiase, who claimed to be negotiating with Lex Luger, peeks through the curtain, although with the fog machine running, it looks like he's filming another vignette in a graveyard trying to find the Undertaker. Ted retreats backstage, and Luger uses some spectacular side headlocks before knocking down the unnamed prelim wrestler with a running forearm that doesn't even come close to connecting. Luger then shows off his impressive rack, then puts his opponent in an overhead backbreaker hold to pick up a victory. As far as the DiBiase rumors, Gorilla says that Luger would never sell out (until he would jump to WCW suddenly in September of the following year).
Next week, the Thrice-Defeated Native American Tatanka faces fellow KOTR participant Double J, while Ted DiBiase's Undertaker competes as well. Backstage, DiBiase brags about his new corporation, which features Nikolai Volkoff, The "Undertaker," his newest acquisition Bam Bam Bigelow, and soon, Lex Luger.

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