Sunday, December 2, 2012

Raw #61 - May 2nd, 1994

Tonight, Monday Night Raw debuts in Vermont, the fifth state to host the prime-time wrestling program. Tonight's episode features the long-awaited tag team title match between the Quebecers and the Headshrinkers.

Everybody's hugging!

The Headshrinkers make their entrance, accompanied by Captain "Louis" Albano and Afa, after the house lights go out. Should the Headshrinkers win the titles, it would be Lou's twentieth title reign as a manager. Fatu, who would go on to be a positive role model, sultan, and man in a thong, starts the match with Quebecer Pierre, who would go on to be a pirate in the Federation. The Samoan shows his strength by shoulderblocking Pierre to the ground, then absorbing a headbutt only to deliver his own. Jacques Rougeau, who started in the WWF in the 80s, tagging with his older brother Ray, tags in to take on Samu, who also started his WWF career in the 80s, teaming with his father Afa. Of the four men in this match, only Pierre would never have his own WWF figure. The former Mountie tries a reverse monkeyflip, but Samu stops short and headbutts the prone French-Canadian. Pierre tries to break up the ensuing pin by leaping off the ropes, but Samu moves, letting the two Quebecers collide. The tag team champions then retreat to the locker room with their manager. The Headshrinkers celebrate their imminent countout victory a la Lex Luger, but Earl Hebner declares that the champions will lose their titles if they do not return. By what authority the referee does this, I don't know, but the Quebecers high-tail it back into the ring.
The Samoans take it to the champions as Raw returns from break, with Pierre (who is distinguishable from Jacques by his full head of hair) isolated from his partner. After a well-placed knee to the running Fatu by Jacques, Pierre tags out. Jacques then pulls Fatu out of the ring and rams him into the steps before bringing him back in to hit an elbow to the "sternum area." The fans chant "USA," of which American Samoa is a territory, Savage reminds us. Nice save. The Quebecers hit Fatu with a clothesline/STO double-team, which Macho calls, "devastating," channeling McMahon.
Samu is suicidal, homicidal, and

Pierre gets back dropped over the top rope as the show returns from break, allowing Samu to receive the hot tag, proceeding to wreak havoc on the champions and be a "one man gang," in the words of Vince. The Headshrinkers' comeback is cut short, however, when Samu gets his head caught in the ropes. Jacques hits a piledriver on Samu, which is both "devastating" and "unbelievable," before the Quebecers attempt the Tower of Quebec, which is a Devastating Maneuver (#1). Samu moves out of the way as Pierre hits the mat. Johnny Polo tries to get involved, but is neutralized by Captain Lou and Afa. Fatu's tag is missed by the referee, but Jacques accidentally hits Pierre "right in the mush." Pierre then hits his own partner back in retaliation. Fatu gets the tag, leading to a double-team leg sweep and a splash. Fatu pins Jacques to win the titles.
Vince and Randy speak with Chief Joe Scarpa, who says that Tatanka is on the warpath. The Native American (the real one) runs to the ring to take on classic rock-themed jobber Derek Domino, whom he hits with a Nice Maneuver (#2 - belly-to-back suplex) right off the bat. A slap to Tatanka's chest only angers the twice-defeated Native American. IRS comes on the phone to explain that he destroyed Tatanka's headdress because he didn't pay the gift tax on it (which, I will remind you yet again, would not be due until April 15th, 1995). He also lambasts Strongbow for having the "audicity" to stick his nose into IRS's business. Domino gets whipped back and forth between turnbuckles as Vince announces that Jerry Lawler will have Diesel, the new Intercontinental champion, as a guest on the King's Court. Diesel won the title from Razor on that weekend's Superstars (the last title change ever on that show, and the first such title change since 1990), just two (TV) days before the Headshrinkers won the titles. He would later team with Shawn Michaels to beat the Headshrinkers just one day before Razor beat him back for the IC title. Vince also recalls an hilarious segment (to all adult fans) from this past weekend's Superstars in which "Doink" played a series of pranks on Dink, only to take off his wig and reveal himself to be Double J. Macho Man, Vince mentions, was all over the media in Baltimore today as tickets went on sale for King of the Ring, which would feature at the announce table none other than my namesake, Art Donovan. This announcement, however, betrays the fact that tonight's Raw is taped, as Macho Man would have to drive 8 hours to get from Baltimore, Maryland to Burlington, Vermont. Even if he went by plane, he'd still be cutting it close. Tatanka goes on the warpath, as predicted by Strongbow, delivering Papoose to Go to defeat Domino.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring, which is covered in red carpet, to reiterate that the King's Court is not to be confused with Piper's Pit. Piper, says Lawler, has a new hobby: collecting dust. Jerry then goes on to talk about another "has-been," Razor Ramon. The fans cheer until Jerry informs them that he is now the former Intercontinental Champion, having been beaten by Diesel two days earlier on Superstars. This must come as a shock to the audience, as that episode of Superstars had not been aired as of last Tuesday, when this episode of Raw was filmed. While Razor is living in the "past lane," Diesel, says Lawler, is always in the fast lane (which must be difficult, considering the weight of a an 18-wheel tractor-trailer). Lawler asks if he may call the new IC champ, "Cool Daddy," perhaps forgetting his real nickname, "Big Daddy Cool." Diesel corrects him. Perhaps Lawler had him confused with "Sweet Daddy," the pimp from Good Times. Lawler says that Shawn Michaels is not here tonight because he sacrificed himself to protect Diesel from the exposed turnbuckle (which Michaels was in the process of exposing). What modern heels are missing is the ability to rationalize and spin every dirty tactic used by themselves and other heels, much like Bobby Heenan's explanation of Ric Flair trying to "lift the Undertaker" while, in fact, giving him an uppercut to the groin. Diesel compares he and Shawn to Batman and Robin. He then explains, in his Vinnie Vegas voice, that the Bad Guy Razor Ramon wasn't quite bad enough. What's next for Diesel? asks King. Diesel says that he has his eye on Bret Hart's WWF title. Who in his right mind would put the title on Kevin Nash and have him be the face of the company?
Next, we see a series of people who claim to have just seen the Undertaker, many of the alleged sightings taking place just seconds before cameras started rolling. That's some lucky film crew to constantly be in the right place at the right time. I can guarantee that that little kindergartener is lying, though. Anyone that age would be frightened by the Dead Man, even if he were, as she claims, sliding down a slide.

Yokozuna, the former WWF champion who would never again get a title shot on pay-per-view (barring the "Triple Header" tag team match from September 1995), makes his way to the ring to take on not on, but two jobbers in a handicap match. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a handicap match, you see. According to a recent poll, more than 2/3 of American adults are "well overweight," much like Yokozuna and his inevitable opponent Earthquake. This match, however, will see the Samoan sumo challenge Mike Davis and Scott Taylor. Randy Savage reads some promo copy for the oxymoronically named "World Movie Encore Premiere," which this week is Survive The Night (parental discretion advised). Yokozuna dominates the two opponents, "handling these men like they're babies" in Vince's words. Perhaps Vince suplexed baby Shane and Stephanie, but I don't know anyone else outside of prison who handles babies like that. Gene Snitsky, perhaps. On a completely unrelated note that Vince somehow ties into the in-ring action, Whoopi Goldberg is newly engaged to a man who is not Ted Danson. Yoko stacks up Davis and Taylor (who's not looking too hot) and crashes down on both men with the Banzai Drop for the victory. He then hits another Banzai on Davis alone and sits on his chest for about thirty seconds before doing the same on Taylor. Finally, Earthquake steps into the ring (about a minute too late) to confront Yokozuna, who leaves with his entourage.
Vince has a word with Earthquake, who challenges Yokozuna to a match. Next week is the first King of the Ring qualifying match, featuring Razor Ramon (former Intercontinental champion) against Kwang (future buddy of the Bad Guy).
One of these men is from

Final tally:

2 Maneuvers (Year total: 61)

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