Saturday, December 22, 2012

Raw #70 - July 4th, 1994

It's a Fourth of July edition of Monday Night Raw! On this day last year, Lex Luger turned face and bodyslammed Yokozuna, and look how far that has gotten him in the past year! Why, he almost made it to the King of the Ring. Raw kicks off with a battle between two King of the Ring entrants who lost in the first round, Tatanka and Jeff Jarrett. Hopefully this match will end better than that other match between two King of the Ring entrants who lost in the first round, Bam Bam vs. Mabel, which Mabel won by countout last week.
Tatanka enters the ring with the house lights turned down and multi-colored spotlights highlighting his presence in the ring, as is obligatory for every superstar entrance on Raw at this time. Tatanka gives his Native American arm gestures, which bear absolutely no resemblance to the Heil Hitler salute. As Double J enters, Gorilla favors the Thrice-Defeated Native American to win, while Randy picks Jarrett. The two announcers bet hamburgers and hot dogs for their wager. Tatanka is aggressive to begin the match, hitting Jarrett with a running powerslam (and a beauty!) followed by a trip to Suplex City (which is about 25 miles from Parts Unknown). Jarrett, however, puts Tatanka in a reverse chinlock. The Native American, who faces Ted DiBiase's Undertaker this weekend on Superstars, breaks out of the hold, hits a Japanese arm drag, and slaps a headlock on the country singer. The announcers take the time to discuss Paul Bearer's claim to be in contact with the Undertaker, leading Savage to announce that he is no longer from the State of Florida, but rather the State of Confusion (the capital of which happens to be Suplex City). Macho also notes that Jarrett does not want to lose here tonight because "if you're embarrassed here, you're embarrassed all over the world, not to mention Pluto, Mars, and the moon." The crooner finally escapes and tosses Tatanka over the top rope "to the concrete" in Gorilla Monsoon's words, ignoring the mats covering the floor. Jarrett jumps off the apron with a double axe-handle. A second attempt gets met with a punch to the gut by the Native American, who then tries a bulldog only to be pushed into the ring post. Jarrett gets into the ring at the last second, giving him the victory, with which Jarrett is unsatisfied. I am, too. That's the second week in a row where the featured match has ended in a countout. Jarrett says that he didn't come all the way to New York City just to win by countout. This is true. He didn't come to New York City; he came to White Plains (and Razor Ramon isn't Italian, either). Randy Savage might be satisfied with that kind of win, Jarrett says, but Double J isn't.
This is a chinlock.

This is a sleeper.

This is Dink, not "Little Doink," as
Cole called him on Raw on 12/17/12.

Happy July 4th! Taped June 20th.
The match is back on when Raw returns to break. Macho is upset at Double J for badmouthing him, but he should be more upset at Jarrett possibly costing him the burgers and hot dogs on the line for the bet between Monsoon and Savage. Gorilla thinks that Jarrett shuld have taken the countout victory "and the winner's share of the purse money and got the heck out of there." Jarrett has Tatanka in another rear chinlock, which he escapes with shots to the "breadbasket." A sleeper by the Native American is quickly broken up. Jarrett, who wants the "winner's share of the purse money," is mad at the referee for counting only to two on a pin attempt. The announcers debate whether Jarrett's sleeperhold on Tatanka is properly applied or whether it's an illegal choke. Monsoon wonders if "his daddy" (Jerry Jarrett) taught him that move. Gorilla reminds the viewers that Raw is now available in Spanish, while Randy shows off his Spanish skills: "Oye, quieres ese chicos, Gorilla. ¿Es un amigo míos? ¡Otra vez en inglés!" (Translation: "Hey, you want that boys, Gorilla. Is he a friend of mine? Again in English!" And even that translation is generous and glosses over some other grammatical errors made by Savage which do not translate into English). "You are quite adverse in the Spanish!" says Monsoon, probably meaning "well-versed." Tatanka once again escapes with elbows to Jarrett's breadbasket, then goes on a rampage of chops. Double J kicks out of a DDT, then goes to the outside for a "hyenas." Tatanka puts Jarrett back into the ring and hits a tomahawk chop from the top rope. He then pins Jarrett way to close to the ropes, allowing Double J to break the pin and then exit the ring again. Dink sneaks up behind Jarrett and sprays him in the face, after which Doink chases Jeff back into the ring with a big bucket of water. Tatanka scores a schoolboy pin on Jarrett for the 1-2-3.
Speaking of 1-2-3, The Kid is tonight's guest on The King's Court. Lawler makes some fairly crappy jokes about The Kid being skinny, then tells him not to pay attention to the "imbecilic idiots" in the crowd. Lawler says that even though he has made fun of the Kid, he's going to be rooting for him next week to beat Bret Hart for the WWF title. The Kid, however, doesn't hate "Mr. Bret Hart," but is one of his biggest fans. "Mr. Lawler, I have too much respect for Bret Hart to resort to the type of things that you do." The King keeps insisting that the Kid fight dirty to win the title, but the 123 Kid says that he's going to give 110% like he always does. Maybe Lawler was right about the Kid barely making it out of high school: not because he was so thin that the teacher kept marking him absent, but because he is terrible at math. The Kid refuses Lawler's endorsement and says that he's going to win the title for himself and the fans, but not for Lawler.

Bret Hart's music hits, but Jim Neidhart comes to the ring instead to disappoint a lot of people. His opponent is Gary Scott, not to be confused with Michael Gary Scott of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Gorilla Monsoon comments on Neidhart's propaganda about how, in the Hart Foundation, "he carried, literally carried, the Hitman." That Anvil must be a strong dude. Owen, who is at ringside, is pulling for his brother to beat the 123 Kid next week so that he can beat Bret personally for the championship. The fans shout, "Traitor" at Neidhart. Who is dominating the jobber. Yes, those are two complete sentences. A powerslam puts Scott away.
Duke "The Dumpster Droese" takes on "Iron" Mike Sharpe, who fails to lift the garbage man. Macho Man promotes "A Sea of Loooooove" starring Al Pacino on USA. Duke rams Mike Sharpe's head into the turnbuckles for "Excedrin headache time," says Monsoon. He then does the exact same thing in the next corner. Macho says that Duke has seven more corners to go, but that his math is a little off. "I don't think we're dealing with an octagon, Randy!" says Monsoon, probably not referring to the UFC. Gorilla's math is off, as well. Two plus seven is nine, making the hypothetical ring a nonagon, not an octagon. Sharpe attempts a piledriver, but gets hit with a back body drop instead. The Dumpster scoop slams him, then delivers an elbow drop to pin Sharpe.
The lights go out in the arena as the Undertaker's bell tolls. Not Mike Bell, although he is Taker's opponent tonight. "It's not rock 'n' roll music, but we like it!" says Randy, referencing a mediocre Rolling Stones song that borrowed heavily from T.Rex. The "Undertaker" is six foot eleven, according to Monsoon. "You might as well say seven feet!" Exactly, Gorilla, except the real Undertaker is only 6'8", and this fake Undertaker is even shorter at 6'6". So yes, you might as well call him 7 feet tall, as long as you're going to call Michael Jordan a seven-footer and Shaquille O'Neill a 7'7" giant.

Gorilla mentions that Ted DiBiase's corporation is growing (with Volkoff, Bigelow, Undertaker, and possibly Lex Luger) and that he even bought Johnny Polo's spot on All-American Wrestling (to explain away Scott Levy's departure from the WWF). This version of the Taker imitates the original's mannerisms, but tends to exaggerate the movements, reeling back like a major league pitcher before applying chokeholds or delivering clotheslines. The Underfaker walks the ropes and delivers a blow to Mike Bell's external occipital protuberance. "I don't have one of those on my body," says Savage, "so he couldn't do that to me." We get a quick glimpse of Taker's face, as his hair brushes away from his face while he sends Bell to "Tombstone City." Before dropping bell with the piledriver, this Undertaker stands with his legs spread apart like he's using a urinal. Taker wins with the tombstone. "You do not get up from that," says Monsoon. "He could have, if he woulda kicked out," adds Savage. 

Paul Bearer then comes to ringside and beckons the Undertaker. The Million Dollar Man turns around and sees Bearer, reacting in shock like a character in a sit-com. "It could be Nightmare City coming up," says Monsoon, citing the fourth fictitious geographic location of the evening.  Nightmare City, by the way, is the most populous city in the State of Confusion. DiBiase's Undertaker teases a face turn, staring at Bearer throughout the entire commercial break until DiBiase tries to bribe him with money. It doesn't work, so Ted bribes him with even more money, which does work. I can't believe he likes money, too!
Backstage, Jerry Lawler catches up with Ted DiBiase and asks him to be his guest next week on the King's Court. The Million Dollar Man doesn't want to be in front of all the "peons," so Lawler lets Ted pick the location for the segment. What a great guest for King's Court next week; the King has been having a lot of luck in court as of late.

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