Raw #45 - December 27th, 1993

It's the last Raw of the year, and the WWF is pulling out all the stops, even going so far as to show some clips from a Women's Title tournament final! Vince is joined by the Quebecers on commentary tonight. We also get to see a manager wrestle a match (though in this case, the "manager" is future ECW champion Raven). Pierre takes advantage of his new media platform by speaking French (which might be awesome if he's slipping something completely off-color under the radar).

Vince McMahon feigns enthusiasm as he drones on and on about Lex Luger slamming Yokozuna yet again last week. This week's feast will be perhaps more impressive: a possible victory over Barry Horowitz. These two athletes are a study in contrast. For one thing, only Horowitz will be booked in a match at Summerslam 1995. He'll also be healthy and financially stable in the year 2012. Jacques complains about Lex Luger oiling himself up before his matches. Vince says that it makes him look better and makes it more difficult to be caught in a Wrestling Maneuver (#1). Luger tries some wrestling holds on the technically superior Horowitz, who responds with a Maneuver (#2 - jawbreaker) despite Lex's oiled-up epidermis. Jacques brags about the Quebecers facing the volatile team of Bret and Owen Hart at the Royal Rumble. Horowitz props his foot on the top turnbuckle and slams Luger's face into it, which Vince calls a "belated Christmas gift." Try "Hannukah gift," Einstein (who was Jewish, as well). Pierre and Jacques continue riffing on Luger in French. By the way, if you know French, this episode is a must-see (and -hear). Jacques brags about knowing French, English, and a little Spanish. "¿Cuántos años tienes, McMahon?" Jacques asks ("How old are you, McMahon?"). Luger battles back, superplexing Horowitz for the pinfall.

Vince gets a word with Johnny Polo, who promises to beat "Marty Confetti" tonight. Vince "accidentally" calls him "Johhny Homo," which is bleeped out.

Polo enters the ring to the Quebecers' theme music. Let the records show that Raven's first WWF theme song is "We're Not the Mounties" (his second would be something with a bunch of "caw caw caw" raven sound bites). As Jannetty and Polo lock up, Vince calls Johnny's technique "very lousy, very loose." He would later promote John Cena to 10-time world champion. "You know, Marty Jannetty is over the hill right now," says Jacques. "He doesn't want to admit it to himself. Since they separated him and Shawn Michaels, he has become nothing." "Oh, puh-lease!" replies Vince, before his days of booking feuds between former tag team partners based around which one of them was the "Marty Jannetty" of the group. With Jannetty in a waistlock, the former Rocker charges the corner and ducks, a Maneuver (#3) that sends Polo's face smashing into the top turnbuckle. he then whips Polo to the far corner, but the Quebecers manager leaps over the turnbuckles and onto the apron with a Deft Maneuver (#4) of his own. Jannetty slingshots him back into the ring for an atomic drop, then tries another Maneuver (#5 - crucifix into sunset flip) for a two-count.

He then leaps at Polo, who pulls down the top rope, letting Jannetty spill to the floor before Johnny hits a plancha. Jannetty bounces back with a bodypress for a near-fall. The two hit each other with simultaneous crossbody blocks, a Maneuver (#6) that sends both men to the mat. Vince tries to make a topical reference, asking the Quebecers if they've ever dressed up as Arkansas state troopers. Pierre doesn't know what McMahon's talking about, thus sparing the 2012 viewer from yet another obscure 1993 news item. Polo tries to superplex Jannetty, but gets thrown off and hit with a body press for the two-count. "Don't count your apples before they grow," says Jacques. Pierre leaves the announce table to assist Polo, but the two of them catch a Nice Maneuver (#7) by Marty in the form of a baseball slide. Pierre then catches Marty's leg when he runs the ropes again, but eats a savate kick. Jannetty then dives onto Pierre from the top rope to the floor. He attempts a sunset flip, but Polo counters, grabbing Pierre's hands for leverage, pinning Jannetty. The angry Rocker then brandishes a chair at the Quebecers, who are threatened with ejection by the referee.

After the break, Jacques is still at ringside for commentary, though Pierre has been sent backstage. Doink and Dink come to the ring, where Spike Gray awaits competition. Vince says Spike will meet a "most unique" wrestler, sending my 6th grade English teacher into a fit. Dink gives Doink a stick of gum, then offers one to Spike, who gets pranked somehow. The resolution of the video is not clear enough for me to figure out exactly what the joke was. Before he and the clown lock up Spike charges at Dink, who is perched on the top turnbuckle. Spike gets a punch in the face, then gets German suplex by the clown for the quick pin.

Todd Pettengill promotes next week's Smoking Gunns-Bigelow/Booger match, which he dubs "Beauty and the Beasts." The Gunns are "beauty" by default, I suppose. I remind you, this is before Billy's "Mr. Ass" gimmick.

Crush marches down the aisle to take on Mike Moraldo. The big man from Kona hits Moraldo with a weak-looking backhand chop, then presses the scrub over his head. He then strikes some more un-ironic kung fu poses. A chokeslam and a cranium crunch later, and Crush picks up the victory as Jacques jokes about Vince suing The Star. Vince corrects him, stating that it's Ed McMahon who is suing, although the fact that Jacques made a lawsuit joke involving Vince McMahon makes me wonder why Rougeau wasn't fired the next day.

We go back to the Undertaker's workshop, where Paul Bearer tells Yokozuna that the Dead Man has been making a list and checking it twice. The two cut a Christmas-themed promo about burying Yokozuna, perhaps their greatest promo since they encouraged fans to relieve hunger in Somalia.

Razor Ramon enters to take on the Eric Clapton-inspired jobber, Derek Domino. Jacques says that Domino promised to deliver Ramon in thirty minutes or less. Razor responds to Domino's chops with chops of his own. He then hits a Maneuver (#8 - fallway slam) on the enhancement talent off the second rope. After getting locked in an STF, Derek taps the mat, but this is 1993, so that doesn't register as a submission. How exactly a man is supposed to signal submission verbally while his chin is being pulled back toward his legs is never quite explained. Vince plugs an upcoming USA movie about Mike Tyson; before he converted to Islam, before he bit off part of Holyfield's ear, before he got a facial tattoo, and before he was raising pigeons, the former champ's life was still deemed worthy of a TV movie. A Razor's Edge later and Domino gets pinned for the 1-2-3. Sadly, Derek Domino would not stick around long enough to hook up with WWE Diva Layla.

Vince reminds us that next week, the Smoking Gunns will battle the "bo-hemoth" combination of Bam Bam Bigelow and Bastion Booger. Not only are they "bo-hemoth," they are also highly alliterative. Jeff Jarrett and WWF Champion Yokozuna will be in action next week. 

Final tally:

8 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 273 + 1 lost Maneuver from episode #2 = 274)

But wait... there's more. Though edited out of the WWE re-release of this episode of Raw, the original broadcast included highlights of the Women's Title match. Why this segment was edited out is a mystery. Perhaps it's because WWE hates Debra Miceli (true), or because WWE hates women's wrestling (true), or because it was a replay of events from the previous day's All-American Wrestling (true). Howard Finkel announces the tournament finals of the WWF "Woman's" Championship, the same mistake that Tony Chimel got razzed about by Cole and Lawler off the air. Actually, considering the scant size of the women's division, woman's champion is perhaps more appropriate than women's. Back in the day, they used to announce women's weights. The 150-pound Alundra Blayze (the former Madusa) takes on the 125-pound Heidi Lee Morgan (the former Madusa's opponent). To get to the finals, these two women have battled through a veritable Who's Who of Who's That? The only notable absence in the title tournament is Luna Vachon, given that she is the only female athlete in the WWF at this time. Blayze wins the new, highly-unnecessary Women's Title with a bridging German suplex in a match featuring no fewer than six maneuvers.