Sunday, October 7, 2012

Raw #37 - October 25th, 1993

Tonight's Raw features Ludvig Borga, Diesel, and Men on a Mission, as well as a Superstar vs. Superstar match (finally) between faces Marty Jannetty and the 123 Kid. But first, we get a recap of the Savage-Crush summit, which ended with Crush attacking his very own brudda, Macho Man Randy Savage. Could this signal the return of Lanny "The Genius" Poffo to team with brother Randy against Crush and Yokozuna? No, of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?

Crush has been doing
intensive training
under Mr. Fuji.
Crush comes to the ring to no music but with Mr. Fuji to take on Phil Apollo. Crush is wearing facepaint now, which he hasn't worn since his days in Demolition, back when he was known as "Crush." Uh, he's not that creative with names, I guess. Macho Man has a lacerated tongue from Crush' attack last week and is not at the announcers' table tonight. Crush shows off some new offense, like a really crappy-looking spin kick that your little brother used to try on you when imitating actual athletes like the 123 Kid (in this case, the "little brother" was me). Vince describes Yokozuna's attack on Savage last week as adding insult to injury. Actually, that's adding injury to injury, unless you count having a six-hundred pound man sit on your chest to be an insult. Okay, maybe Vince has a point. Bobby Heenan mocks Savage's lacerated tongue by pretending to talk like him. Crush wins with the Cranium Crunch after using strikes throughout the match. I guess he's a martial arts expert now that he's under the tutelage of Mr. Fuji, who is a martial arts expert because his parents were Japanese. Crush lands a few blows in on Apollo after the bell as Johnny Polo comes on screen and mocks Jannetty and the 123 Kid's upcoming match. The manager claims that he could beat either one of them. Oh really? Does anyone honestly believe that out of Marty Jannetty, Sean Waltman, and Scott Levy, that the latter will be the only one to win a world title

"Hi, I'm not Richard Dawson, and if you like inferior substitutes,
you'll love the Family Feud match at Survivor Series."

40% of his ring name is punctuation.
The 123 Kid takes on his Survivor Series partner Marty Jannetty. The two will team up with Razor Ramon and Mr. Perfect to take on IRS (who has feuded with the Kid and is in a feud with Razor), Diesel (who has cost both Perfect and Jannetty the IC title against Michaels), Rick Martel (who was beaten by Razor for the vacant title), and Adam Bomb (who is managed by Harvey Wippleman). Heenan and Vince discuss the release from prison of Leona Helmsley, after whom Vince would name his future son-in-law. Meanwhile, the two high-flyers exchange holds. Many many holds. Finally, after a series of hammerlocks, Jannetty backflips over the Kid with a Nice Maneuver (#1), leading to a quick exchange of Irish whips and leapfrogs, leading to a karate stance standoff made famous by RVD and Jerry Lynn. The Kid delivers a victory roll to score a near fall on the (relatively) big man. the Kid then follows this up with a Maneuver (#2 - spinning heel kick), which he must have stolen from Crush. The Kid then gets caught with a powerbomb by the Rocker as Johnny Polo comes to ringside.

The Kid and Marty Jannetty are running the ropes after the break until Johnny Polo trips Jannetty with a Maneuver (#3). The Kid nearly pins Marty, then hits him with a series of kicks in the corner, including a high kick worthy of being called a Maneuver (#4). He then attempts a High-Risk Maneuver (#5), somersaulting off the top rope but missing his opponent. Jannetty whips the Kid to the ropes, only for Johnny Polo to trip the Kid's leg. Heenan then explains that Polo was just trying to protect his face from being kicked by the 123 Kid, but he is interrupted by a near-fall before he can finish his latest wild rationalization. With Jannetty distracted with Johnny, the Kid rolls him up with a schoolboy but only gets 2. Jannetty takes exception to that Maneuver (#6) and whips the Kid hard to the buckle, then rolls him into a pin, amateur-style. Johnny Polo, who is wearing a jacket similar to the one Diesel used to wear, is still at ringside to stir the... match. An Irish whip goes awry when the referee gets knocked down, rendering him unable to see the 123 Kid's next Maneuver (#7 - spin kick). Marty tumbles to the outside, but gets shoved out of the way by Polo, making the Kid's somersault plancha miss its mark. Both men get counted out as Polo counts along with the ref. Polo laughs his way to the back until Jannetty sneaks up on him and throws him into the ring. The two high-flyers beat up Polo in the ring, where he takes a double savate kick and then gets his wishbone split. 

Jeff Jarrett spells his name in a pre-recorded video, filmed outside of Buddy Lee's studio, where Double J bemoans the bias in country music against native Nashvillians. He calls out the Undertaker, Mr. Perfect, and the Steiners by name, then spells his own name again.


Ludvig Borga rushes into the ring to pound on a jobber named "Fuji." I'm not sure if I heard that name right, as I doubt the WWF would allow two different Fujis in the same federation, especially when one of them is Caucasian. His name might be "Poochie," now that I hear it once more. Then again, I'm bad with hearing names the first time. When I first heard the Finn's name as a kid, I thought he was called "Lewd Big Borga." Likewise, Bull Buchanan was "Full View Cannon" and Trish Stratus was "True Stratus." A search of the web turns up the man's name as "Mike Bucci," the future Nova of ECW. This weekend, by the way, Borga takes on a very non-Caucasian Native American Tatanka this weekend on Superstars. The Lewd One takes apart Bucci the Rockin' Dog, finishing him off with the rack (not like Jillian Hall's old finisher. This is a torture rack.).

Heenan gets a word with Borga, who faces Tatanka in a battle of the undefeateds this Saturday on Superstars. Borga vows to end Tatanka's streak like he will end the American Dream.


Men on a Mission take on two men making their Raw debuts, Tony Mata and Steve Greenman. Mo, who is sporting a zebra mohawk reminiscent of Yipes, the Fruit Stripe Gum mascot, starts the match off. Greenman puts Mo in a hammerlock, then releases to mock MOM with a celebratory dance. Mo and Mabel will be challenging for the Quebecers' titles this weekend on Wrestling Challenge. MOM as tag team champions? The only way that could ever happen would be if Mabel accidentally fell on one of the Quebecers and couldn't get off him by the count of three. Mabel would have to wear both belts, says Heenan. Men on a Mission double-dropkick Greenman, who tags in Mata. Mabel works Mata over with a drop toehold and a surfboard. Yes, you read that correctly. The big men double-team their opponent with a MOM sandwich, allowing Mabel to score the pin.

Joe Fowler gives us the Survivor Series Report, which includes the recently-announced match of Four Doinks vs. Bam Bam's team, consisting of himself, Bastion Booger, and the Headshrinkers. The graphics depict four different versions of Matt Borne-Doink (Afro-Doink, Curly-Doink, Balding-Doink, and Stringy-Doink), none of whom will actually wrestle at the event. Not even Steve Keirn-Doink will be there! Fowler gives the standard spiel about how, in a Survivor Series match, when you're eliminated, you go back to the locker room and can't come back. Notice that this is exactly like a regular tag match, except your team gets to carry on without you once you're pinned, which doesn't sound so bad for the eliminated wrestler. The people who suffer are the teammates who must continue on shorthanded, not the people who are eliminated.
Diesel (or "Deisel", as his name is misspelled. Remember, i before e, except after c) enters to his timeless theme to take on Dan Dubiel, master of getting Banzai Dropped. Last week's telephone poll saw 64% of voters choose to keep Shawn Michaels suspended. WWE take note: if you want to make Monday nights more "Raw-active," incorporate Twitter polls into the Wellness Policy to decide who gets suspended and who gets to stay. Diesel takes off his jacket and sunglasses (and robe and Wizard of Oz mask) and pushes Dubiel into the corner for some knees to the gut. Diesel uses a gutwrench powerbomb as his third move of the match. This is before he would adopt the Jackknife as his finisher. Diesel continues the punishment with clubs to the back and a head vice. Fans are getting impatient as Diesel continues his methodical pace. Unlike Billy Gunn, Diesel is "normally an upper-body man." Vince explains that "you won't see any great deal of finesse and scientific knowledge displayed by Diesel" in the understatement of the night. In thirteen months, he would be a triple-crown champion. Diesel wins with a big boot. 

Next week, Mr. Perfect will be in action, while the Foreign Fanatics will be interviewed. Razor Ramon takes on Bastion Booger in a non-title match, while the Smoking Gunns take on Well Dunn. Perhaps looking at Well Dunn's outfits gave Billy the inspiration for his "Mr. Ass" gimmick. Macho Man will be speaking over the telephone, prompting Heenan to joke some more about his tongue. And that's a wrap for tonight's Raw. The highlight of the night was the 123 Kid and Marty Jannetty beating up Johnny Polo. I'm not saying that tonight's Raw was a waste of time where nothing happened. No, I'm not saying that at all; I'm writing it.

Final tally:

7 Maneuvers (Cumulative total 231)