Raw #34 - October 4th, 1993

Tonight's Raw, episode 34, features a battle royal to decide the top two contenders for the vacant Intercontinental title. Tatanka is the first man to enter on camera, though many competitors are already in the ring, including MVP (not the famous MVP; he is serving time for armed robbery at this time). Vince puts the total weight of the battle royal at 5,795 pounds, meaning that the men have gained 39 pounds since last week. Heenan says that this battle royal is like none he's ever seen. "You could injure your back. You could hurt your dick." He might have been saying "neck;" perhaps he still has that cold from last week. For this battle royal, he picks Booger.

Giant Gonzalez and the Macho Man Randy Savage (both of whom have appeared in USWA in recent weeks) are the last to enter. Savage and many others push Giant Gonzalez out of the ring first, marking El Gigante's last national wrestling appearance anywhere. At least he is afforded the dignity of having half of his butt covered. Bobby Heenan decides to pick the Quebecers to win instead of picking Booger. Vince "corrects" him, saying that only one Quebecer can win (except in this match, there are two winners, who face off against each other next week. Suck it, Vince.). Much punching and kicking ensue, like every battle royal. Normally, if you've seen one battle royal, you've seen them all. Battle royals in 1993 at least have the advantage of having a bunch of goofy costumes involved. At one point, Razor looks to belly-to-belly suplex Jacques over the top rope, except the Bad Guy never unclasps his hands from the Mountie's waste. Side note: the next two Kings of the Ring, Owen Hart and Mabel, are in this battle royal, and both are wearing the same shade of blue. The Man on a Mission gets eliminated second, by Diesel. IRS gets flung over the top rope by Razor, who nearly gets eliminated by Pierre. Booger flicks the 123 Kid, who nearly won a tag title last week, out of the ring. Mr. Perfect eliminates Diesel, who is making his Raw in-ring debut, with a Clever Maneuver (#1).

Bob Backlund gets eliminated by Rick Martel as we return from break. The Model then eliminates Jimmy Snuka. Should Martel be dubbed "The Legend Killer"? He wouldn't need to wear a big button that says, "Yes, I am a Legend Killer." Mr. Perfect gets tossed to the floor by Bam Bam. Vince notes that this is the first appearance of the MVP and asks Heenan who MVP is. The Brain responds, "He's the guy in the baseball uniform." For the record, that is a genuine example of "begging the question." 99% of the time, "beg the question" is wrongly used as a synonym for "raise the question." Razor clotheslines Bam Bam over the top rope with a Maneuver (#2) to send us into the next commercial break.

Owen Hart eliminates MVP, Raw's biggest star since Kim Chee, with a dropkick, only to be eliminated by one of the Quebecers (Does it really matter which one?). The heels (Martel, Adam Bomb, Quebecers) gang up on the faces (Razor and Savage), splitting up to double-team each macho man. Savage slips over Bomb's shoulder with a Maneuver (#3) and hoists Bomb over the top, but then gets eliminated by the three French-Canadians. The heels whip Razor to the ropes, but the Bad Guy hangs onto the ropes with a Clever Maneuver (#4), leaving his opponents to miss their dropkicks. The three recover to triple-team Razor with punches and kicks until the Jacques restrains Razor, who ducks to allow Pierre to accidentally clothesline his own partner out of the ring. In the confusion, he chucks Pierre out, as well, leaving Ramon and Martel in the ring as co-winners.

Jim Cornette interrupts Howard Finkel to announce the Heavenly Bodies, so-called because their bodies are Divine (like famed drag queen of the same name). Their opponents are Mark Thomas and Scott Taylor, despite Howard Finkel and the graphics billing them as "Mark Taylor and Scott Thomas." Vince continues to call the jobber team by their incorrect names (Scott Taylor is "Mark Taylor," for the record). Heenan announces an appearance by the Rock & Roll Express on this week's All-American Wrestling. Pritchard slingshots Del Ray into the ring for a clothesline that would have come up laughably short had Taylor not slid into position at the last moment. Pritchard hits a Maneuver (#5) off the second rope, a spinebuster. The two Bodies follow up with a double-savate kick Maneuver (#6) on "Scott Thomas" (which is the third name he's been called on Raw, after Art Thomas and Mark Thomas). Del Ray covers "Mark Taylor" (later known as Marky 2 Hotty of "Too Cool") for the pin.

As you may know, by the end of 1995, Tom Pritchard would cut and bleach his hair and take on the persona of "Zip," brother of Bodydonna Skip (Chris Candido). Jimmy Del Ray, on the other hand, would be left without a partner or a direction. Frankly, the WWF missed a great opportunity to pair up the former "Gigolo" with another low-card wrestler of the time, Doink. Together, they could have capitalized on the popularity of the Insane Clown Posse by teaming up, with the former Heavenly Body donning the face paint as "Juggalo" Jimmy Del Ray. Jim Cornette, of course, would want nothing to do with such a team. Alternatively, Del Ray could jump to WCW and team up with a man heavily influenced by the heavenly bodies, none other than Zodiac.
 

A clip from Superstars airs, in which the newly-face Doink (still using his heel theme) throws confetti on Bam Bam, then dumps water on Luna. These three will settle this in WWF Raw for Super NES, available December of next year, in which all three are playable characters. Bigelow chases Doink into the ring, but the clown jumps out, then hits a Nice Maneuver (which doesn't count, since this is Superstars) on Bigelow, tripping him while he's not looking. At least Borne-Doink still has a bit of an edge (not a straight edge, of course, which would lead to his departure from the Federation). The clown disappears under the ring, only to secretly reappear at ringside to set up a trip-wire across the aisle. Bigelow chases after Doink then falls on his face.

After the break, Vince plugs the premiere of Mr. Nanny, starring Hulk Hogan, a wacky comedy in which two brats torture and attempt to murder their caretaker. "What these brats need is a hand that socks the cradle." Those aren't Vince's words; that's the actual tagline for this movie.

 

Doink comes to the ring in a little red wagon, throws cotton candy to the fans, and takes on Cory Student (the Dean Douglas protegé who never was). He threatens to dump his bucket on Bobby Heenan, who begs him not to do it. Doink chucks the contents of the bucket on Heenan, but it's only popcorn. Doink gets in the ring and Biels his opponent across the ring (which I recently learned is a real name for the throw). The clown puts Student on his stomach, mounts him, and rides him relentlessly (which sounds like a police report). Doink finishes him off with a cannonball from the top rope. Doink's new, public domain face music ("Entrance of the Gladiators") plays as Bam Bam comes to ringside with Luna and begins destroying the clown's balloons and wagon. An official keeps Bigelow out of the ring to prevent a "mee-lay" from breaking out (I probably should be counting the number of times Vince says "melee"). Doink laughs at the Beast from the East as he is restrained by suits at ringside.

 

For whatever reason,
this was a prominent shot during the replays.

Vince announces next week's Intercontinental title match between Razor Ramon and Rick Martel, then fills the rest of the hour replaying the end of the battle royal from earlier tonight.

Final Tally:

6 Maneuvers (Cumulative Total: 213)