Saturday, February 2, 2013

Raw #81 - October 10th, 1994

Bam Bam Bigelow comes to the ring on tonight's Raw to take on Lex Luger. He doesn't come alone, though; he is followed by the other members of the Million Dollar Corporation, except IRS for some reason. Vince McMahon calls this Ted DiBiase's own "Columbus Day parade." I hope he teaches us some more fun facts about Christopher Columbus like he did last year. Instead, Macho Man gives us this quote from Columbus: "One if by land, two if by sea!" Actually, that was Paul Revere in Longfellow's famous poem, but at least this time the misinformation is intended as a joke. Also, "Longfellow" is a great last name.

Next out is Bigelow's opponent. Hey, who's the fella with the American flag? That's Lex Luger, the man whom we thought had sold out, but didn't. Remember how I mentioned that rumor about that storyline being an allegory for Vince McMahon's steroid trial? Vince claims that "no one will ever doubt Lex Luger's word again." The three members of the Corporation surround Luger in the ring before Bam Bam starts pounding on Lex. The man made in the USA strikes back with a back elbow, followed by a punch that sends the big man to the outside. Good thing Bam Bam doesn't have any titles on the line, or else Luger would have been screwed. Vince takes the opportunity to mention the newest member of DiBiase's Corporation, King Kong Bundy, while also pointing out that IRS is not at ringside tonight. Bam Bam steps back into the ring, where he is worn down by arm wrenches and arm bars. Bam Bam shifts the momentum back in his favor after reaching the ropes, then powerslamming the former title contender. A headbutt off the top rope misses Luger, who then scores a near-fall and goes back to an arm bar. The aforementioned Bundy waddles down to ringside, distracting Luger.
During the break, Bigelow cuts Luger down to size, but when Raw returns, Adam Bomb and Mabel come to ringside to support the good guy they have no connection with in his fight against the bad guys they have no feud with. I smell a Survivor Series match brewing (this is before they would be called "traditional Survivor Series matches"). Regardless, Bigelow hits a DDT for a two-count. Bam Bam then jumps up and catches Luger in what at first looks like a huracanrana, but ends up being some kind of heel-clicking against Lex's head. If Kevin Nash ever had a female valet/wrestler under his Oz gimmick named Dorothy, that should have been her finisher. "What a Maneuver [#1] that was!" says Vince, although he should have asked, "What maneuver was that?" Luger kicks out at the very last moment. Bigelow gets back to work with a chinlock/sleeper hold, which Luger escapes temporarily only to be kneed in the gut and brought back down to the mat. DiBiase takes the opportunity to taunt Lex. "Dibiase's calling him a loser," notes Macho. "He's anything but a loser!" Exactly right, except for him blowing every single title shot he has ever had in the WWF. Luger starts to catch fire (unfortunately, only metaphorically), knocking his opponent off his feet. Bigelow tries to charge at Luger, who moves out of the way and lets him knock Tatanks off the apron. Luger rolls up Bigelow with a schoolboy for the victory. Tatanka and Bam Bam argue after the match.

Flash back to Superstars this past weekend, when Mr. Backlund was a guest on the Heartbreak Hotel with Shawn Michaels, the man he should have challenged for the Intercontinental title at Wrestlemania IX. Michaels calls Backlund a mad man and adds that he and Diesel would like to party with him. Backlund declines the invitation, questioning whether Diesel and Shawn belong in his generation and his society. He then challenges Bret Hart, "a man that's quagmired in a sea of hypocrisy and engulfed in a river of lies." He also uses the words, "fallacious" and "vacillate." He insists that Hart has the belt, but that Backlund is the WWF champion. It would be impossible to give this promo nowadays, when the word, "belt" is verboten. Imagine this: "I am the WWE champion! You've got the championship."
Out next is Mabel, who is flying solo tonight. Well, "flying" is never the right word to use with Mabel, but the 500-pounder is doing his own rapping tonight. Vince calls him "The Rapmaster," which is the name of the megaphone Homer Simpson used to make announcements while patrolling the streets for the neighborhood watch. Vince assures us that "Mabel will be doin' his thang!" His opponent tonight is Reno Riggins, a man "he outweighs by.. oh... at least a quarter of a ton." I hope this 500-punds business is hyperbole, and Vince doesn't honestly think that Riggins weighs less than 50 pounds or that Mabel weighs 750 pounds. After Riggins fails to topple the big man with a shoulder tackle, Savage says that the quarter-ton weigh difference made a difference. "Only for that one Maneuver [#2], though!" adds McMahon. Riggins gets back up and gets hiptossed by Mabel. Vince clarifies that Reno Riggins is of no relation to former Redskins running back John Riggins. Thanks for clearing that up, Vince. Savage adds that he isn't related to Christopher Coumbus, either. Why, of course not; he's not even Hispanic! "Nor is Mabel of any relation to Barney," adds Vince, "even though they both wear purple." The action in the ring has stalled, however, as Riggins and Mabel take turns challenging the other to a test of strength. Eventually, Riggins decides to match heights with the rapper by mounting the second rope. However, he punches Mabel in the face when it is apparent that he is losing. Mabel hits a body slam but then beaches himself with a missed elbow drop. The big purple rapper bounces back, so to speak, with a legdrop to end the match.

Next up is footage from today's Columbus Day Parade, featuring the Macho Man himself (Randy Savage, not Christopher Columbus). He shares a float with a local news reporter and a priest (not Friar Ferguson).
The Toddster announces a match next week between Doink and Jeff Jarrett, citing Double J's low blow (metaphorical, unfortunately) to Dink months ago with a series of pranks. Pettengill calls Dink,"pint-sized" and Doink, "life-sized." You heard it hear, folks. Todd says that midgets aren't real.

"What a matchup that's going to be," lies Vince as Owen steps into the ring along with Jim Neidhart. Owen faces off with brother Bret for his last chance title shot in 13 days on the premiere of the Action Zone. That assumes, though, that the Anvil doesn't beat Bret for the title on the Hart Attack tour. The King of Harts faces John Chrystal, who is wearing zebra stripes. Vince tells us that Jack Tunney is rumored to appear on The Late Show with David Letterman to sing a duet with Barry Manilow. In other dubious news, Vince tells us that George Lucas is writing three more Star Wars films. Yeah, right. Princess Leia's part may go to Bull Nakano. Now that, I can believe. The Undertaker and Paul Bearer were on The Nashville Network last Friday, although at this point I can't tell whether Vince is being serious. Owen wins by submission with the sharpshooter, then roughs Chrystal up with Neidhart's help.
The Undertaker addresses Yokozuna in a taped segment from Superstars, telling him that the time has come for him to pay for his crimes. And what better way to do so than a series of over 40 casket matches

Themis Klarides is seen in the ring in spandex workout gear, holding up a sign that says, "RAW!" This is the kind of photo that would hurt her chances of election. Or help her chances of election. I don't know. One thing's for sure: if it were Linda in Themis's shoes (and bra) in this situation, the former WWE CEO would never have made it past the primaries.
King Kong Bundy, who on Superstars was introduced by DiBiase as the newest member of his corporation, walks to the ring while Vince describes him for the second time tonight as a "Walking Condominium." Hey, I hear that's what he calls all of the Divas! Well, not exactly, but it's something that sounds like, "condominium." Either way, now that Bundy's aligned with a scum bag like DiBiase, he could be unstoppable. His victim tonight in his WWF comeback match is Mike Khoury, who stands a fighting chance due to Bundy's insistence on winning via a five-count, not a three-count. King Kong Bundy, notes Vince, is the second of three kings on tonight's episode, besides Owen Hart and Jerry Lawler. Mabel has not yet been crowned, of course. Meanwhile, there have only been two Maneuvers on this episode; could there be more kings than Maneuvers on Raw?

Khoury, who is wearing black, gray, and white striped gear to differentiate himself from John Chrystal, gets pummeled by the former Wrestlemania main-eventer. Vince and Macho discuss Savage's appearance on the Rikki Lake show while Bundy picks Khoury off the mat before a 3-count (or should that be a 5-count?). Vince discuss "horruh flicks" such as Ed Wood (actually a biopic of the B-movie director) which features George "The Animal" Steele. Finally, Bundy gets a three count on Khoury, but insists that the referee count two more times to complete the five-count. "It's all about money, money!" says Vince, foreshadowing his brief 2008 catchphrase, "It's all about the mun-nay!" Macho calls Bundy, "The Corporation's biggest asset." There's a joke to be made there somewhere, but I can't quite put my finger on it (nor would I want to...).

Our last match is the new lineup of the Headshrinkers, who take on Cory Student and J.S. Storm. Since two weeks ago, Simone has lost an M and is now known as Sione. Vince calls him "more barbaric" than his family members, referring to his previous gimmick as the Barbarian. Sione roughs up Student, who has the courtesy of wearing a t-shirt under his singlet. Vince complains about Shawn Michaels getting a new column in WWF Magazine, "Advice to the Lovelorn." After Fatu tags in briefly, Sione tags back in and decapitates Storm with a big boot for the pin.
In a 60-second spot for the New WWF Generation, Razor Ramon confesses to a priest about beating up a guy who knocked the toothpick out of his mouth. If it were a 60-minute spot, perhaps Scott Hall could confess his most recent transgressions.
Last weekend on Superstars, Dink slipped a pie onto Jerry Lawler's announcer's chair, which he sat down on, literally creaming his pants. Back on Raw, Lawler is in the ring, where he promises the "shortest" King's Court ever, meaning that he will be talking about short people, whom he hates, especially Dink. "I'd like to call him, "short" to his face, but I can't bend down that low, if you know what I mean." "I bet he could," says Macho. Lawler then claims to have somebody who can bend down that low. Hopefully she's over 18. Instead, he brings out another king, Queasy. Lawler vows to send Dink back to the only job he can do, desk clerk at a roach motel. True story: I once stayed in a dingy hotel abroad that was run by a dwarf. He only spoke Spanish, though, so I doubt it was Dink. The two kings miss a high-five.

Final tally:

2 Maneuvers (Year total: 115)

1 comment:

  1. "or else would have been screwed" should probably read "or else Luger would have been screwed". Aside from that, another good update. Amusing to see how quickly Luger went down the card.