Saturday, February 9, 2013

Raw #83 - October 24th, 1994

Burlington, Vermont hosts Raw for the second week in a row. Gee, it must be tough for the WWF superstars to travel around the country on the Hart Attack tour, then have to hightail it back to Vermont every Monday night. "The most controversial Native American of all time," Tatanka, will be in action tonight. I don't know, Macho. Sitting Bull might be more controversial. And Leonard Peltier. The Smoking Gunns, Diesel, and Adam Bomb will also be in action. Yokozuna's music plays throughout the intro, playing the former WWF champion to the ring to challenge for the Intercontinental title. I think Yokozuna should be barred from Intercontinental Title contention, having supposedly been born on a Polynesian island, which is not part of any continent. The same goes for the Headshrinkers and Crush. Hey, maybe Rikishi was right about the island boys being held back in the Federation.

Vince is in awe of the "bo-hemoth" Yokozuna, but will Razor Ramon be? He is oozing with not only confidence, but machismo as he enters the ring to pyro. Yokozuna does a Pearl Harbor Job on Razor, as Monsoon might say. Actually, since Ramon is Cuban, would that be a Bay of Pigs job? And if the Bad Guy is from the island of Cuba, should he even be eligible for the Intercontinental title? Cuba is on the same continental plate as North America, so I'll let him slide. Razor fights back with a series of right hands and clotheslines, finally knocking the 600-pounder down with a flying clothesline. Hey, remember when no one could knock Yokozuna off his feet? Yoko rolls to the outside and has a stand-off with Razor, who taunts him to get back into the ring. Savage notes that the Samoan is sweating a lot but, as John Madden said, "Winning is a great deodorant." John Madden's kind of an idiot, isn't he? The fans boo Yoko for hesitating so long. Vince mentions the premiere of the Action Zone, in which Bret Hart defended his title against Owen for the last time. The show would then take a big dip in quality, with its only other highlight being a match between Bodydonna Skip and Barry Horowitz. Razor puts an arm wrench on Yokozuna, who whips him to the ropes and counters the Bad Guy's cross body block with a body slam. He then drops a big elbow, but Ramon moves out of the way. Has that elbow drop ever connected? Ramon's "gumption" backfires, however, when he tries to Irish whip the big man to the corner and ends up eating a clothesline and a leg drop. Yoko then knocks the champion out of the ring, which could backfire on him and his championship , Lex Luger-style. Razor gets back in the ring but is caught in a nerve hold. If there's another lesson we can learn from Yokozuna-Luger matches, it's that this nerve hold could take a while. Naturally, they go to break.
Surprise surprise, Razor is still in the nerve hold when we return from break, but gets to his feet, only to be knocked down again. In the corner, Ramon gets hammered, (not that that's unusual for him). Yoko puts another nerve hold on him, scoring a few near-falls in the process. Savage rags on the NFL pre-game shows that compete with the Action Zone on Sunday afternoons. The former WWF champion continues working the "trapezius area," or "trapezoid" as Lawler might say. Ramon gets thrown to the buckle, but dodges Yoko's butt splash, allowing the Cuban immigrant (or Miami native, depending on whether he's a heel or face) to land a flying bulldog off the second rope. Yoko gets punched to the outside, where he bumps into a casket that a druid has wheeled to the ring. He then flees to the back to get away from the pine box, leaving Razor in the ring to score a countout victory. "Yokozuna's probably in Japan right now," says Randy, who has great faith in Yoko's ability to run across country and the entire Pacific Ocean.
The Smoking Gunns make their return to Monday Night Raw after months of slumming it on Superstars. A teenage boy in an oversized foam cowboy hat holds up his poster of the two long-haired mustachioed studs in their cowboy get-up. This footage would later be studied by his therapist.
Todd Pettengill announces
Lex Luger vs. Bob Backlund
for next week's Raw.
The Gunns' match is joined in progress with Bart whipping Mike Bell (around the ring; there are no actual whips involved). Billy tags in for a double leg-sweep, then hits a knee drop much more realistic than Triple H's ever would be. Billy then hits his tied-for-best dropkick in the business to Bell as he was held up by Bart for a vertical suplex. They then do yet another double-team, the over-the-shoulder backbreaker/elbow drop combination Maneuver (#1). Bart punches Bell's partner off the apron before he gets any TV time or even a mention of his name. The cowboy team will join Lex Luger's Guts & Glory team (Lex, Mabel, and Adam Bomb) at Survivor Series against the Million Dollar Corporation (made up of only three of the five actual Corporation members and the Heavenly Bodies). Tatanka appears backstage to call Lex Luger an "immigrant" who doesn't stand a chance against Bob Backlund.

Tatanka enters the ring first to his own battle cry followed by Ted Dibiase's laugh and teh Million Dollar Rap. The two sound bites are a bit of overkill, don't you think? Also, has anyone else noticed that Tatanka's old music sounds just like the Million Dollar Man's, minus Ted's voice? We should have seen his selling out a mile away. Tatanka gets aggressive against opponent Scott Taylor, who would hold three more WWF titles than Tatanka ever would. Vince wonders if we'll see an upset in this match; after all, as proven by Walter Cronkite's attendance at a Grateful Dead concert, anything can happen. Vince also mention's the victory of the Slim Jim car at a recent race. Tatanka telegraphs a back body drop, leading Scott Taylor to perform a Maneuver (#2) in which he flips over the Native American's back. Taylor sneaks up from behind to deliver a schoolboy for an upset! No he didn't. He then gets decapitated (to use hyperbole) by a Tatanka clothesline, who launches off the top for a tomahawk chop, a Maneuver (#3) that draws a round of boos (not booze, but boos) from the crowd. He hits Papoose to Go, which Vince now calls "The End of the Trail," to put Taylor away. He then hits the move again after the bell.
IRS was on Superstars this weekend to talk about death and taxes outside of a funeral parlor. He bashes the corpse (verbally) for possibly evading his taxes during life and dying just as an excuse to avoid payment. This angle would earn Irwin a Wrestlecrap induction.

Adam Bomb strikes a fabulous pose, which is followed by a puff of smoke mimicking a mushroom cloud. Phil Apollo gets the sneak attack on Bomb, who quickly retaliates with a scoop slam. "Here comes the highlight of Monday Night Raw," says Vince. "It's Randy Savage reading promo copy for the USA Network!" Vince isn't too far off, although unfortunately (and unbeknownst to McMahon), this would be Randy's second-to-last appearance on Raw. This week, USA features a three-night tribute to John Candy. Adam Bomb hits a Maneuver (#4 - Irish whip) on Apollo to the turnbuckle, chest-first. Apollo has been studying Bret Hart's matches. Bomb ascends the top rope and hits another Maneuver (#5 - flying clothesline). Vince's voice gets higher and higher until the move connects, at which point he reverts back to his usual octave to say, "down goes Apollo." He then hits a pumphandle drop to put away his opponent. More importantly, Adam gets another chance to pose, and a young Randy Orton has another chance to study the big man's mannerisms. Out of nowhere, Bob Backlund (who faces Bret Hart at Survivor Series) rushes into the ring and puts Bomb in the chickenwing, dragging him to the ground and locking it in. Lex Luger last week challenged Backlund to pick on someone his own size; is Bryan Clark big enough, Lex?  Referees pull the former champion off the never-will-be-champion.
Jerry Lawler is in the ring yet again for the King's Court. He calls the audience ugly, then asks a woman at ringside, "Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?" I heard that one on the elementary school playground. I think Jerry did, too, in 1993. Vince is appalled. "My goodness! How dare him!?" That should be, "How dare he?" Lawler is the subject of the sentence, not the object. Lawler gives a mock apology for not calling them, "facially challenged" instead of "ugly," which is not politically correct. Neither is calling Goldust, "a flaming fag," but at least here he apologizes. The King then says that he's actually here to talk about himself. "What a boring subject," says Randy. "Art thou bored?" he asks, quoting his own Slim Jim commercial. On the last King's Court, when Lawler introduced the midget King Queasy, people complained because the segment was so "short!" Man, Jerry Lawler is way funnier in my memories, and for the record, no one will ever complain that a wrestling segment involving miniature versions of established wrestlers is too short. This time, Jerry promises, "this is not gonna be short. It's gonna be three times as long!" I believe that's what that thirteen-year-old girl quoted him as saying.... Jerry recounts the midget arms race brewing between him and Doink, involving the introduction of Kings Queasy & Sleazy and Wink & Pink the Clowns. "Get to the point!" says Savage, who is as sick of Lawler's rambling as the audience is. He brings out his entourage of not one, but three midget Kings, including King Cheesy, his newest addition. "Cheesy!?" says Vince in horror. "Oh, no!" "Lawler's got triplets. I didn't even know he was pregnant," adds Macho. "But he was showing, though." Lawler makes a challenge to Doink and his sidekicks.

Diesel is up next according to a graphic that perfectly sums up Kevin Nash from this point on: "Hey, a guy's gotta get paid!" He faces Ben Jordan and quickly goes to work on him... at least as much as it can ever be said that Nash "goes to work." Diesel takes a page out of Vinnie Vegas's playbook with snake eyes, then puts Jordan in a head vice, then a body slam, which looks to be a new addition to Diesel's vast arsenal. Today is Ben Jordan's birthday, as well as Y.A. Tittle, former New York Giants quarterback, who turns 68 years old and likely sets the record for oldest surviving football player. Vince says that his name is actually, "Ya," and that people just assumed that his name was really initials. This, despite the fact that his name is "Yelberton Abraham Tittle." Vince, you're a fountain of misinformation. Diesel applies yet another head vice, then hits the big boot. Vince wonders if that would happen on the Action Zone this Sunday in the tag team champions' match with Razor and the 123 Kid. Vince mentions that this would be World Series week, had the Major League baseball players not gone on strike, jumping on the opportunity to brag that the WWF never goes on strike. The wrestlers don't have a union, after all (or health insurance, or a pension).
Vince promises more information on Survivor Series next week on Raw, as well as the King's Court with the Undertaker and Bob Backlund vs. Lex Luger. Backlund comes into the ring, leading Savage to conclude that the former champion has his weeks messed up, since he's not due to wrestle Lex in this arena for another seven days (or less than an hour in real time, considering that next week's episode is taped right after this one). He jumps around the ring in classic Backlund style as Raw closes. "He's gonzo!"

Final tally:

5 Maneuvers (Year total: 126)

1 comment:

  1. Need to find footage of Wrath doing the Viper dance.