Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Raw #86 - November 14th, 1994

Another Savage-less Raw is upon us, this time featuring Ted DiBiase on commentary. The 123 Kid is already in the ring as the show begins, waiting for opponent Bob Backlund to arrive. When the former WWWF champion does enter the ring, he is immediately backed into the corner and it with a series of kicks by the Kid, including the quickest Maneuver (#1 - roundhouse kick) in the history of Raw (delivered less than a minute into the program). Backlund sells in comical fashion.
The Kid whips Backlund from corner to corner and nearly pins the veteran with a backslide before hitting another spinning kick and putting him in a short-arm scissor. Vince praises the Kid, who represents the New Generation by combining the best aspects of the old guard with High-Flying, High-Risk Maneuvers (#2). Backlund keeps rolling over to attempt a schoolboy but the Kid rolls through each time to bring Bob back to the mat. Of course, when you've got Backlund in the short-arm scissors, it's just a matter of time before he lifts you off the ground and gets you on his shoulders, and tonight is no exception. He sets the Kid onto the top turnbuckle and... well, I don't know what comes next. Every copy of this match on the internet skips ahead, apparently because 18 years ago, somebody accidentally pressed "pause" while recording. The next thing we see is Backlund delivering a forearm to the Kid and knocking him to the mat. Backlund starts working Kid's arm, likely as a set-up for the chicken wing, as Raw goes to commercials.

Bob has the 123 Kid in a hammerlock when Raw returns, then stalks the Kid in preparation for the chicken wing. When he goes for the hold, the Kid ducks and starts to put the hold on Bob. Backlund reverses it with a hammerlock, which his opponent breaks by reaching the ropes. The Kid then hits more kicks on the former champion. Vince notes that the Kid's left arm and shoulder are hurting, which is unusual in that announcers are not supposed to mention which side of the body is being worked (since it is almost always the left side). The Kid then mounts the top turnbuckle for another High-Risk Maneuver (#3 - splash) while the cameraman decides to zoom in on his butt. Backlund moves out of the way, then gets the crazy look in his eyes. DiBiase compares him to a cat stalking his prey, which is exactly what Backlund looks like (only with much less body hair, of course). He locks in his finisher on the Kid, who quickly submits, but the #1 contender refuses to break the hold until Bret Hart enters the ring. A swarm of officials try to separate the two Survivor Series opponents until Bob puts Bret in the crossface, only to release him. "I am a convivial individual," says Bob on the mic. "I could have been very truculent to right there!" Instead, he merely reminded Bret of what the hold feels like. As Backlund heads backstage, Bret runs after him, takes him down, and puts the sharpshooter on Backlund, then quickly releases him. The Hitman grabs the mic and tells Backlund that at "the Survivor Series," he won't let him out of the sharpshooter. Unfortunately for Bret (and perhaps Bob), Backlund's cornerman Owen Hart doesn't give a flying head scissors about the challenger's well-being.
Vince is confident that Bret will win at next Wednesday's pay-per-view, but Ted DiBiase thinks that, like George Foreman's recent victory, the 45-year-old will regain the heavyweight title. By the way, who keeps inviting Macho Man's old rivals to the announce desk? First it was his Memphis adversary Jerry Lawler, now it's the man Randy beat for his first WWF title. Who's next, the Ultimate Warrior as guest commentator? Oh please, Vince, make that happen!

Mabel heads to the ring, again without tag team partner Mo, who has been sidelined with an injury. Mabel and Oscar rap together about their Survivor Series. Mabel has arguably better rhythm than Oscar, but unfortunately his voice is two octaves too low to be heard by normal human ears. Mabel gets ready "to lock up with his opponent, the Blue Phantom," according to Vince, despite the fact that David Heath's ring gear and mask are clearly black. DiBiase, rather than correcting the color-blind McMahon, tells the same "guts" joke about Mabel and Guts & Glory that I have been making for the past few posts. Mabel suplexes the Phantom, which I always point out is a bad move for a big man. Ted DiBiase compares Mabel to a Barney balloon at a parade. Mabel wins with a sidewalk slam.
Jeff Jarrett faces Gary Sabaugh, the man known elsewhere as The Italion Stallion, but first, he takes the microphone to once again to tell the fans that he is the world's greatest singer, entertainer, and wrestler, in case they had never seen his gimmick or vignettes in the past eight months. Speaking of singers, says Vince, Sonny Bono is going to be a congressman. This is a few years before Bono's untimely death, which would lead his greedy family to lobby Congress to extend copyrights so that they can leech off Sonny's music royalties for 85 more years rather than 75. This also means that I won't be able to legally download Double J's "Ain't I Great" until 85 years after Jarrett's death. Ted thinks it's great that Sonny Bono is in the House of Representatives so that The Million Dollar Man can bribe him. DiBiase may be joking here, but his off-hand remarks would land Sonny in a congressional hearing on corruption. I made that last part up, but the rest is true. Jarrett starts to strut in the ring, giving Sabaugh an opening to mount some offense. In Ric Flair style, Jarrett drops to his knees and begs him off, then pulls him by the tights into the corner for a Clever Maneuver (#4). Double J would be the worst Flair wannabe until The Miz (though at least Jeff knows how to apply a Figure Four). The Stallion nearly scores a pin anyway with a sunset flip, but Jarrett starts working over Sabaugh's leg to set up for the Figure Four, propping the leg up onto the first rope and crashing down on it, anus-first. Sabaugh again manages a near-fall off a surprise pin, this time a small package, but Jarrett escapes and tells him never to do that again. Jarrett grabs Sabaugh's leg, forcing the Stallion onto one foot, from which he telegraphs his next Maneuver (#5), which Vince calls a Desperation Maneuver (#6 - enziguiri kick) that Jeff dodges. Double J works the legs before locking in the Figure Four for the submission victory. Jarrett may not have beaten Razor Ramon or Billy Ray Cyrus, but this is one "Italian guy" that Double J can smack around.

IRS speaks in a cemetery, where he poses with a disinterred casket. Thankfully, neither Kane nor Triple H have debuted yet, so this segment should be PG. Irwin talks about repossessing the person's headstone last week (in a segment not included on the VHS rip I have. Dang.). He blames the corpse's family for not paying the burial tax.
The King's Court tonight features both the British Bulldog and Owen Hart, the second guest whom vince forgot to name on last week's episode. Lawler promises to have not only one king, but two kings on the show, referring to the King of Harts, Owen Hart. Hopefully, this means that none of Jerry's sidekicks will be on the show this week. Owen promises Bob Backlund that he will not throw the towel in. Jerry then invites the Bulldog to the ring with dog calls. Davey Boy comes out to Rue Britannia and fireworks that Vince yet again calls, "The Rockets' Red Glare," despite Britain losing that battle and war encapsulated in the U.S. national anthem. Davey Boy is wearing a spandex shirt usually seen only on wrestlers who have lost mass after getting off steroids, like Randy Savage and Rey Misterio. Owen tells Davey Boy to let Bret suffer in the chicken wing before inevitable throwing in the towel. Smith says, grunting in a thick accent, that he will not throw in Bret Hot's pink and black Tull. Or something like that. As usual, when the Bulldog's music plays, the guests keep speaking, knowing that it's never wise to let the Bulldog have the last word in a segment.
Speaking of animals, up next is the debut of The Portuguese Man O'War, Aldo Montoya. Contrary to popular belief, the venomous Portuguese man o' war is not a jellyfish, but actually a floating colony of micro-organisms that takes a jellyfish-like shape. Why such an organism should be represented by a costume featuring a jockstrap worn on the head, on the other hand, defies scientific explanation.
The former PJ Walker comes to the ring to face fellow jobber the Brooklyn Brawler as Vince announces the Sunday Night Slam special this Sunday, featuring matches between Owen and Davey Boy and between the Heavenly Bodies and the Smoking Gunns. Aldo is from Lousã, Portugal according to Vince. Ted says he's heard a lot of good things about him. That's just incredible! No, that's not a reference to Aldo's future moniker, but to the fact that DiBiase's claims are simply not credible. The announcers fawn over Aldo as he does leapfrogs and scoop slams. He also executes a nice plancha, but that doesn't change the fact that he is wearing a yellow jock strap on his head while doing it. Aldo ducks his head for a back body drop, but telegraphs the Maneuver (#7), allowing the Brawler to counter with a neckbreaker. Vince gets DiBiase to read some promo copy for USA, which consists of a very poorly-delivered promotion for Young Guns that pales in comparison to anything Randy Savage did. Like the old saying goes, money can't buy machoism. Vince re-reads the promo. After the Brawler takes control of the match, Aldo turns it around with a Maneuver (#8 - huricanrana takedown), nicely done, followed by a series of punches. He then hits a High-Risk Maneuver (#9 - body press) off the top rope for the three count. Ted DiBiase is so impressed that he leaves the announcers' table.
After the break, Ted gets on the mic to talk to Aldo. It took him an entire commercial to find a microphone? He says that he's difficult to impress, but that Montoya has a lot of potential. He then offers Aldo, who he speaks Portuguese to DiBiase, a spot in his stable. At least PJ Walker put some research into this character. Ted responds by showing him a stack of bills and offers him membership in his corporation. (Take the offer, kid! This is your chance for the high life. Limousine rides, tailored suits, diamond-studded jockstraps...) Aldo then speaks English, rejecting the offer by telling him to "take that money and shove it in your ear." His English is clearly not perfect, however, as he doesn't know the English word for "ass." Vince is astonished that he speaks two different languages. It's a good thing that Aldo rejected the offer, too, as his stock as a babyface would rise and rise, leading him to two different tag team title reigns, an action figure, and a spot in the WWF's next video game. Oh, my mistake. I was thinking of the 123 Kid. No, Aldo would continue wrestling with a jock on his head for the next two and a half years.
Next, Alundra Blayze talks with DiBiase and Vince about her upcoming title defense at the Tokyo Dome against Bull Nakano. Blayze, who is dressed like a rich seventy-year-old woman, says that it's an honor to represent the ___ as Ladies' Champion. This section of the video is from the WWE-rereleased version of Raw, so part of her speech is muted out, but I assume she says, "WWF."
Next Sunday on the Action Zone, Double J faces Fatu, while Bulldog faces Owen on the Sunday NIght Slam and Razor faces Diesel on Raw. If Sione wrestled Shawn Michaels and the 123 Kid wrestled the Anvil, then all the participants in the Bad Guys/Teamsters match would be represented. We close the show with a highlight reel from tonight's show set to the Raw theme music.

Final tally:

9 Maneuvers (Year total: 144)

No comments:

Post a Comment