If other sports were like wrestling (pt. 1)

Let's face it: there are a lot of things about wrestling that conventional sports could never get away with. Here's a look at a world where elements of pro wrestling have infiltrated the world of sports:

Raw #30 - August 16th, 1993

IRS is a butt-patter. He loves patting boys' butts.

Raw's big 3-0 comes to you from Poughkeepsie, NY, home of the second-rate Raw graphics and a population well over a thousand people, unlike Alexandria Bay, where Raw has been held the past two weeks. Ted Dibiase comes down the aisle of the Mid-Hudson Civic Center to avenge his upset loss to the 123 Kid. Neither Razor Ramon nor IRS are allowed at ringside tonight. DiBiase pounds the Kid from the start. Razor, who is on the phone, says that the 123 Kid has a few surprises for the rich mang. The Kid is silent on the offensive front until launching a series of body presses and quick moves on DiBiase a few minutes into the match. DiBiase quickly regains control, but gets caught with a top rope body press. The Kid then attempts the Very High Risk Maneuver (#1) again, but it pushed off the top rope by IRS. The Steiners, who face Money Inc. in a cage match next week at the Summerslam Spectacular special on USA, make the save and clear the ring of the rich mang and the tax mang. The 123 Kid wins by disqualification. Vince McMahon argues with Bobby Heenan, insisting that there are only two columns, a win column and a loss column, and that this match would be entered into the "loss" column for Ted DiBiase. Curiously, the WWF has never published any win-loss columns, anywhere, ever.