Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Raw #139 - December 11th, 1995

The last Raw before In Your House opens with the statement that "tonight, ER comes to the World Wrestling Federation." We are then subjected to a bunch of medical metaphors about Bob Backlund's chickenwing being a disease, Bret Hart being Patient Zero, and the Hitman attempting to "inoculate" Backlund. So Mr. Backlund will become immune to the crossface chickenwing? Owen Hart, who faces Diesel this Sunday, takes on Jeff Hardy in the opening bout.

The future Charismatic Enigma shows some offense at the outset of the match as Diesel sits cross-leeged backstage looking on with his feet propped up. This is his "angry" pose. Also looking on is Owen's sister, Diana Smith. Owen grounds the former Wolverine with a knee to the midsection, while Diana looks offended at fans booing Owen. Hart delivers a clothesline to a running Hardy, flipping him into an impromptu shooting star press to the canvas. Owen hits Hardy with an Extraordinary Maneuver (#1 - dropkick) off the top rope, then grabs both of Hardy's legs as if setting up for the Sharpshooter. Instead, he performs a jackknife pin for the victory. Yokozuna then steps in and delivers a Banzai Drop to the fallen jobber. Normally, Diesel would have run in by now, but he has a new attitude, so he continues to lounge in his comfy chair. Owen then puts the Sharpshooter on Hardy for real, which finally ticks Diesel off enough to get him on his feet and even do a bit of light jogging to the ring. Owen flees, but Diesel knocks Yokozuna through the ropes with a big boot. Meanwhile, a woman holds up a sign reading, "Black gloves only!", referring to Diesel's new policy of only slapping hands with fans who wear his official merchandise. Either that, or she's fantasizing about Kevin Nash wearing his black gloves and nothing else.
When Raw returns from break, Chaparita Asari is already in the ring with Aja Kong's Japanese koto music playing. That must have cost the Federation a pretty penny, since the WWF otherwise only owned one piece of "Oriental" stock music, which they used for the Orient Express, Bull Nakano, and Takao Omari. The undersized Asari executed a series of handspring mule kicks, but soon ran afoul of the stronger Kong's offense. Tonight, by the way, Vince McMahon looks forward to answering your questions on America Online. Jerry warns Vince that "some of those hackers will really cut you down to size." Kong has several opportunities to pin Asari, but lifts her up by the hair each time before a three-count can be made. She even executes a vicious package piledriver, but Vince tells the audience to "forget about it" immediately afterward, which is why no one in 2014 seems to remember it happening. We see a replay of the Maneuver (#2), despite Vince's prior insistence that we "forget about it." McMahon is apparently so confused that he can't even finish a sentence, describing the move's impact as "Oh! Down to the -- unbelievable! Lawler makes a joke about the rapper, "Fat Boy" having just died. This is inexcusable; Lawler should know that the rapper's name was Big Buff Love, and that he was only a part of the hip-hop trio "The Fat Boys." For shame. Aja Kong delivers kicks that Vince McMahon once again insists we wipe from our memory. Kong swivels her hips, drawing boos from the audience. Asari makes a comeback after Kong misses a splash, but her own Maneuver (#3 - corkscrew moonsault), a Daring Maneuver (#4) at that, fails to connect. Aja Kong destroys Chaparita with a spinning back fist, breaking her nose and putting her away for the three count. Of course, with Alundra Blayze jumping to WCW and dumping her Women's title in the trash on the very next Monday night, the Federation's women's division would be scrapped, rendering this squash match establishing Kong as a contender a waste of time.

Next, we have an interview conducted earlier today by Todd Pettengill. Ugh. Could anything in the world be more obnoxious than the Toddster? No, but Shawn Michaels gives it his best try with the goofy face he makes to the camera. Shawn says he isn't suffering from any of the symptoms his doctors have "claimed" he has had, implying that Dr. Unger is a big fat liar. Shawn is upbeat until Todd Pettengill says the R-word. Yes, "retirement." Shawn holds back tears and is offended and accuses Todd of only trying to get his reaction on camera and cuts off the interview.
Ahmed Johnson comes to the ring as Dean Douglas talks about the match they won't actually have this Sunday at In Your House. Rick Stockhauser is Johnson's opponent tonight, being on the receiving end of stiff kicks before sloppily running the runs and being sloppily spinebusted. Johnson follows this up with another sloppy spinebuster, then hits the Pearl River Plunge. No wedgie this week from Johnson.

Jerry Lawler then attempts to get an interview with Johnson, though once again he spends the whole time making "stupid" jokes about how the toughest four years of Ahmed's life was the third grade and claims they're the Dean's jokes. "I'm not a man of words," says Johnson. No kidding. "I'm a man of action." When Raw returns, we are promised a "special interview" with Sid and the 123 Kid, which will be more special than the interview with Ahmed and maybe even more special than the interview with HBK.
A commercial airs featuring five superstars dressed as Santa in a police lineup, where the same kid who got the Hitman's towel and told him, "Get him, champ" has to point out the "Bad Santa." The kid fingers Harvey Wippleman. That is, he accuses him of misdeeds. Those misdeeds include telling him that cigarettes were good for him, that all wrestlers are wimps, and that there's no such thing as Santa Claus. Because the glass apparently isn't sound-proof, this causes Razor Claus, Ahmed Claus, Hakushi Claus, and Yoko Claus to flip out on Harvey Claus and beat him with their sacks. Why is it that Yokozuna keeps appearing in special holiday commercials dressed as Santa when he has always been a heel?

Vince is in the ring with Ted DiBiase and the new, streamlined, less-embarrassing version of the Million Dollar Corporation. The good times would not last, as Xanta Claus would join up six days later. The 123 Kid cuts a memorable promo in a cracked voice about Razor having been a puppet master, and himself the puppet. Well, maybe it's not memorable to anybody else, but I remember it two decades later. Sid gets on the mic and says that if the Kid is in the ring, he's welcome, and "if I am the ring [sic], the Kid is welcome." Not bad for a guy with half the brain that Kevin Nash has. Sid says he feels sorry for Marty Jannetty and the he won't enjoy beating him up, but then he admits that he will.
Bob Backlund makes an historic entrance, being accompanied by music for the first time ever. His entrance theme? Hail to the Chief. Diana Smith, whom Jerry Lawler accuses of being paid off by Bret to watch his matches, looks on. You mean there is a plant in the audience? Or that someone in the crowd has not actually paid for her ticket? Well, I never! The match starts off with chain wrestling, such as waistlocks, standing switches, and head scissors. Already, this is better than their Wrestlemania XI match. Lawler gets a word with Diana, who supports her husband's new aggressive style and Jim Cornette, who is the only person to get Davey Boy a title shot. Vince gets word in his headset about the Bulldog watching backstage. Boy, it must be annoying to have someone yell in your headset and tell you to relay stupid messages.
Jerry Lawler says the Undertaker, who faces Mabel in a casket match, is upset that his favorite band has broken up: The Grateful Dead. Backlund slaps on the chickenwing, but break makes it to the ropes before Mr. Backlund can drag him to the mat and make him submit. Unfortunately, it's a non-title match, so Backlund can't become God again. Jerry Lawler makes fun of Frank Sinatra, who turns 80 and whose voice sounds like Lawler's cat being neutered. Well, Frank never sang, "Wrestling With Girls." Meanwhile, Backlund continues working Hart's arm. Hart nearly pins Backlund with a small package, but the Presidential candidate kicks out.
A runner at the bottom of the screen advertises Vince's appearance on American Online as Bret starts to lock in the Sharpshooter. He is interrupted when the Bulldog runs in to the ring. Hart releases the hold, then confronts Smith before Backlund applies the chickenwing from behind (which, to be fair, is the only way to apply that hold). The referee disqualifies Backlund, who locks in the crossface while the Bulldog stomps the Hitman.The officials finally pry Backlund off, who appears dazed before he puts the hold on again. Bulldog pats Backlund on the back.

Final tally:

4 Maneuvers (Year total: 249)

No comments:

Post a Comment