Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Raw #140 - December 18th, 1995

In a live episode of Raw, one night removed from In Your House, Jeff Jarrett makes his return to the ring. Just don't blink, because Double J will be out of the Federation once again after the Royal Rumble. Will his unexplained five-month absence from competition make a difference? Speaking of making a difference, Fatu is his opponent tonight. "It's time to clean it up!" says the former Headshrinker's entrance theme, suggesting a future tag team venture with Duke "The Dumpster" Droese.
Double J wastes a lot of time strutting, drawing the ire of the Samoan, who gives him a headbutt to the, uh, lower abdomen. He later no-sells a DDT due to his thick skull. Vince speculates that not only can Fatu dance better than Jarrett, he can sing better, too. This, of course, was before Fatu's classic song, "Put a Little Ass On It," which confirmed Vince's suspicions.
Speaking of music, Vince announces that the World Wrestling Federation has put together a video package for Shawn Michaels. Tell me a lie! Say that this won't suck. Fatu hits a Nice Maneuver (#1 - powerslam), which he follows up with a baaaack body drop. He then charges at Double J in the corner with a clothesline "like a choo-choo train," then hits a running cutter, which injures his own shoulder. Jarrett capitalizes ("That's capital J-E-double-F, capital J-A-double-R-E-double-T.") by ramming the big man's shoulder into the post. He attempts a figure-four, but Ahmed Jonson, whom Jarrett smashed over the head with a framed gold record last night, runs in. Jarrett flees and picks up a DQ win. Ahmed still manages to get a wedgie in the short time he's in the ring.
Dok Hendrix and Gorilla Monsoon discuss the Royal Rumble, whose title match will pit champion Bret Hart against challenger The Undertaker. Taker has bad luck when it comes to title shots at the Rumble. Two years ago, he died in a casket match and ascended to heaven. Two years from now, he will be locked inside a casket and burned alive. This year, he'll win by disqualification but fail to gain the championship. So, overall, this year won't be so bad. Monsoon also announced that Double J won't be in the Royal Rumble. This shocks Dok Hendrix. Instead, Gorilla is punishing him by putting him in a singles match with Ahmed Johnson. That, of course, also means that Ahmed is also barred from the Rumble.
Goldust cuts his first erotic promo on Razor Ramon, to whom he gave an allegedly explicit love letter last night at In Your House. The Bizarre One wants to ooze machismo together with The Bad Guy. A replay is shown of Diesel's confrontation with The Undertaker last night over the title shot just given to the Dead Man.
Buddy Landell, who last night got squashed in under a minute as Dean Douglas's substitute against Ahmed Johnson, makes his Raw debut against Bob Holly. This may be Landell's first match on Raw, but it's not the first Raw match by a Ric Flair impersonator. That honor goes to Austin Steele. Before the match, Dok takes over the role of Barry Dadinsky, pitchman extraordinaire, in promoting the new Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game, the SNES version of which costs "only" $69.99 if you order directly from the WWF. Landell, the 17-year veteran, wrestles a very scientific match against Spark Plugg. The scientific method is a very slow process, by the way. Bob Holly pulls off a Beautiful Maneuver (#2 - DDT) to shift the momentum in his favor. He then takes a few punches to the face, but gets right back up after each one and even hits a Frankensteiner, but only gets a two-count. Landell bounces back and hits an elbow drop from the mat for the victory. Yup, that's it.
Brother Love is in the ring with "Brother Million Dollar Man." Ted DiBiase admits that the Santa Claus who attacked Savio Vega last night at In Your House was not the real Santa, but Xanta Klaus, from the South Pole. Instead of giving presents, he steals from houses. Xanta Klaus is in fact DiBiase's newest protege in the Million Dollar Corporation. He also predicts that 1996 will be the year of the Million Dollar Champion, which, we will learn, is Steve Austin. Yes, Steve Austin's debut was first foreshadowed in a segment about a fake Santa Claus played by Balls Mahoney.
Yokozuna challenges Razor Ramon tonight for the Intercontinental title, but during his entrance, Goldust takes a seat in the aisle with his usher. The Bad Guy then gets an unpleasant surprise when, instead of getting fireworks during his entrance, he is subjected to a golden shower (of glitter). Yokozuna uses his size to his advantage, tossing Ramon to the outside, but Razor lands on his feet for a Maneuver (#3). Razor attempts a sunset flip and bails out just before Yoko can squash him. Yokozuna hopes to become a Triple Crown champion by winning the Intercontinental title tonight. It's an elite club, reserved for all-time greats like Pedro Morales, Bret Hart, and The Miz. Razor breaks out of Yokozuna's dreaded (by viewers) nerve hold. The big man very slowly falls flat on his back after a series of right hands by Ramon, but escapes a pin by grabbing the bottom rope.
Yoko has another nerve hold applied when Raw returns from break, but Ramon escapes and fires back with more punches. He is soon cornered, however, but gains back his energy when fans chant, "USA" at the Cuban immigrant. He takes down Yokozuna with a buldog from the second rope as the lights begin to flicker. The Undertaker arrives with a casket at ringside, causing Yokozuna to flee and get counted out. Meanwhile, a fan in the front rows warns "Gaydust" that Razor is going to carve him up. Dok Hendrix gets a word with Razor about Goldust. Razor tells the Bizarre One, "You can do your thing, mang, just not with me." Jerry Lawler, who claims to have gotten hold of Goldust's letter, says it embarrassed even him. Even Jerry Lawler.
The show closes with a "very special presentation" of Shawn Michaels's career retrospective. And on that sappy note, Raw signs off for the year 1995. In two weeks, we go from sappy to crappy with the Raw Bowl and the several dozen football puns that accompany it.

Final tally:

3 Maneuvers (Year total: 252 Maneuvers)
1 Ahmed Johnson wedgie (Cumulative total: 2)

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