Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Raw #116 - June 19th, 1995

To open Raw, Vince tells the audience not to adjust their TV sets, as their screens are dark because of the Undertaker. The stench, however, that the viewers can smell is coming from Jerry Lawler's feet. What incredible technology these viewers must have on their TVs! And I thought having a Spanish commentary option on the USA Network was advanced. Jerry says he was almost arrested for "sock abuse" (not to be confused with that thing Val Venis once did with Mr. Socko in 1999).
Taker quickly takes it to Mike McReynolds, who seems to be wearing oversized trunks. Speaking of an oversized trunk, The Undertaker will face Mabel at the King of the Ring. Do you think that after Taker beats Mabel, he'll face Kama in the second round? Or will Shawn Michaels will beat The Supreme Fighting Machine to set up a match with Taker featuring two bona fide superstars? Who knows, but two things are for sure: Undertaker will beat Mabel, and there will be a winner between Shawn Michaels and Kama. McReynolds gets hit with the Extraordinary Maneuver (#1) known as the Tombstone, and Undertaker gets the pin. Taker's creatures of the night, one of whom might be Data from Star Trek, are in attendance again. Bearer and Taker then gives us a blast from the past in the form of a body bag, which they wrap McReynolds in. And no, that "Reynolds Wrap" pun was not intentional, but I'm keeping it in here anyway. Undertaker delivers a leaping stomp onto his prone opponent for good measure before carrying him off over his shoulder.

Last week's destruction of Man Mountain Rock's guitar last week is replayed. Rock then cuts another tearful promo mourning his guitar. He says that guitar is his "soul, man." Cue Sam & Dave.
Adam Bomb faces off against Bill Payne, who is clearly using a fake name. Unlike Adam Bomb. Vince notes what a surprise it would be if Payne beat bomb, just like if Jerry Lawler beat Bret Hart. Lawler protests, claiming to have beaten Hart every time he got in the ring with him. This is actually true; he beat Hart by reverse decision at Summerslam, then by countout on Raw earlier this year, then by pinfall at In Your House. Vince also notes that Jerry Lawler is on the cover of the new WWF Magazine (a special King of the RIng preview issue that would be inducted into Wrestlecrap), which Lawler claims is endorsed by the APA. No, not the Acolytes Protection Agency, but the American Podiatrists' Association. Razor Ramon, by the way, may or may not be able to wrestle at King of the Ring due to his real bad ribs. Adam Bomb pins Bill Payne after a flying clothesline.

Makeshift tag team Sid and Tatanka face Headshrinker Fatu and replacement Headshrinker Sione next. Sadly, a Barry Dadinksy segment is omitted from this WWE rerelease. Tatanka opens the match with two unsuccessful turnbuckle rams to Fatu's head. Fatu no-sells the blows to the head, as mandated for any Samoan wrestler, before putting Tatanka into the corner. He then mounts the ropes and delivers not 10, not 11, but 12 punches as the fans count along. Hey, who says you have to stop at ten? If you've got your opponent in the corner offering no resistance as you pound your fist against his face, why not keep that up as long as possible? Although twelve consecutive undefended blows to the head would be enough to stop an MMA fight, Tatanka quickly fights back with a clothesline, then chucks Fatu to the outside. The Smaoan lands on his feet, says McMahon, which Lawler finds hilarious because he has a Kiss My Foot match coming up. Tatanka is in control with Fatu back in the ring until he delivers a DDT, which Fatu not only no-sells but appears to be rejuvenated by. The future Rikishi then shakes his butt a bit before kicking Tatanka off his feet. Sid tags in, prompting Fatu to moonwalk to his corner and consult with his partner. Sid, who has not been paying attention to all the no-sold head bumps in this match, rams the Shrinkers' heads together, only to receive a double headbutt and clotheslines for his trouble. Sid responds with a Devastating Maneuver (#2) of his own, a clothesline that flips Fatu inside out. he then chokeslams Fatu with one hand and a whole lot of help from his opponent.
Fatu is still the legal man when Raw returns. Tatanka fakes a tag to Sid behind the ref's back. Diesel, who has recovered enough from his fake elbow injury to wrestle on Sunday, will also be involved in a charity softball game to benefit Oklahoma City this weekend. A softball game, and Sid's not invited? Expect the psycho to snap at the pay-per-view. Sid is already pretty mad, choking Fatu with his boot as we get a close-up of the Headshrinker's mullet. However, the man who rules the world misses a leg drop, allowing Fatu to reach for the hot tag to Sione, only to be pulled away by Tatanka. Seconds later, Tatanka misses an elbow drop, allowing the hot tag after all. Sione manhandles Tatanka, hanging him up on the top rope for the night's third Maneuver. The follow-up pin involving two participants at Rodman Down Under results in a near-fall, leading the former and future Barbarian to drop the Native American with a piledriver, which Jerry Lawler completely ignores while making his obligatory joke about a recent news story. In this case, he thinks Bret Hart should move to New York City, recently named the most "foul-outhed" city in the country. Get it? Because of kissing feet? Sid breaks up the ensuing pinfall. A wide shot of the ring shows Fatu still selling in the corner, lying down on the apron. Quickly, however, he gets to his feet to fight the other illegal man, Sid, only to get powerbombed as the referee verges on losing control of the match. In about four years, when Fatu would gain a hundred pounds (all in the buttocks) and  become Rikishi, I doubt that Sid would be able to powerbomb him like that... nor would he want to. Sid then delivers a Devastating Maneuver (#4) to Sione on the outside, powerbombing the legal man with the assistance of Tatanka. Sid rolls Sione back into the ring, where Tatanka picks up the easy pin. A fan wearing a shirt reading, "Life is a joke, wrestling is serious" boos after the Native American warrior-turned-sell-out pins the Samoan savage-turned-funk machine.

While hyping up the tag team main event for King of the Ring, Vince and company show footage from In Your House, where Diesel severely injured his elbow, followed by a clip from Raw the next night where Diesel comes to the ring totally uninjured. Diesel and Bam Bam deliver a flat promo backstage that practically doubles as an ad for WWF merchandise, what with Diesel modeling that stylish white WWF baseball cap. Speaking of male strippers, Shawn Michaels is in action tonight. Oh, I didn't mention male strippers? Well, HBK is going to wrestle anyway.
Jerry Lawler, who has been showing off two plastic feet for the past few weeks on Raw (the fat one is Stu Hart's, the flat one is Helen's, he claims), delivers some more "footage," this time in a museum of medieval torture devices. Once again, WWE ruins it by blasting that headbangin' stock music over top of it. Well, they got the "torture" theme right, I guess. Anyway, this is supposed to symbolize the torture that the wrestlers in the King of the Ring tournament will put themselves through. Along the way, he shows off a guillotine-like device called a "Fallbrett" because Bret will have to fall to his knees and kiss Lawler's feet at the pay-per-view.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley wrestles Buck Quartermaine, who just about matches him in terms of muscle mass at this point in WWF's steroid testing policy -- I mean, at this point in time. Lawler jokes about Stu Hart dying. Well, not quite in those terms -- see, someone put Odor-Eaters in Stu's shoes, and the Hart family patriarch vanished completely. That obviously didn't happen, but it would have made that séance Bret would have on TV for his parents a lot more interesting. Hunter catches Quartermaine with a Maneuver (#5 - tilt-a-whirl backbreaker). Quartermain struggles to his feet, grabbing hold of the waist of Helmsley's trousers, leading to some cheers from fans who apparently want to see The Game's pieces. Instead, Hunter hits the Pedigree, a Devastating Maneuver (#6) that he uses as his finisher now instead of the Ace Crusher. HHH gets the win.
Speaking of pulling pants down, Shawn Michaels wrestles next. "The ladies love him and the men can't believe his athleticism in bed," says McMahon, except for those last two words, which I made up. The male stripper takes on the future pimp Kama in the first round of Sunday's tournamant. He takes on jobber Gus Kantarrakis, whose name is extremely fun to say. Shortly into the match, Shawn jumps on Gus's back and starts slapping his opponent's butt. "Ride 'im, cowboy," says Vince. "I wish he'd try that on me," adds Jerry. Those two quotes are genuine, by the way. Shawn then leads Kantarrakis on a wild goose chase around the ring ("goose" being an old English slang word for "prostitute") while Vince jokes about Jerry Lawler committing suicide next week by jumping off Niagara Falls after losing the Kiss My Foot match. Jeez, these announcers' humor is dark this week. Shawn takes a seat in the front row, where there are two empty chairs (possibly left by the Undertaker's creatures of the night, who switched seats for this week's Raw), prompting Vince to give a hearty laugh ("Ha Ha Ha!"). Jerry invites Shawn to sit by him and smell his feet. I wonder about The King sometimes. Kantarrakis cuts off Shawn's comedic momentum by catching him with a punch to the gut when Michaels flies off the top rope. Shawn then invites Gus to punch him a few times before delivering his own offense, tossing Gus through the ropes, then suplexing him on the floor and superkicking him. He then rolls Gus into the ring as the fans chant, "One more time." Michaels delivers an additional finishing move rather than pinning his opponent, which would normally be a total heel move, then sits on the man's chest for the three-count. As Michaels starts to celebrate, Kama rushes into the ring but is quickly dispatched by the boy toy. this draws The Undertaker to ringside, despite Kama not wearing the remnants of his urn around his neck. With the Undertaker now at ringside, his opponent Mabel starts coming down the aisle in a rare-for-the-time example of the WWF actually heavily promoting the matches the show before the pay-per-view with a confrontation. Too bad Shawn and Kama would wrestle to a draw and eliminate each other.

Before Raw goes off the air, Jerry taunts Bret Hart, vowing to make him kiss not one but both of his feet on Sunday before kissing one more thing. No, not that. He's talking about his career.

Final tally:

6 Maneuvers (Year total: 106)

No comments:

Post a Comment