Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Raw #115 - June 12th, 1995

Raw kicks off with a recap of Lex Luger and Yokozuna's ongoing feud, which comes to a head tonight in a King of the Ring qualifying match. We see the tournament bracket, with faces written first and heels written second for each match. Razor Ramon, a face, gets top billing in the final match, which spells misfortune for Lex Luger.

Bam Bam Bigelow will compete in the tag team main event at this year's KOTR, which vince claims will be hotter than Hades. Hades' lair is not, according to legend, particularly hot, just dark. Bigelow faces Duane Gill tonight in a match in which only one competitor has WWF championship gold in his future. Diesel, who is not at tonight's show because of a USA Network function last week on the same night as the taping... I mean, because he has a bad elbow injury, is on the phone. Diesel says he will be at King of the Ring, though not at 100%. The announcers completely ignore the action in the ring until the end of the match, when Bigelow finishes off Gillberg with a flying headbutt. Worse yet, they never apologize to Kevin Nash for calling him on the phone and waking him up from his nap.
Waylon Mercy appears in his first vignette on Raw, which I can recite nearly verbatim, in which he is sitting on rocks with a worm on his arm. Waylon enjoys worms, but he doesn't enjoy worms crawling on him, just like when he gets in that wrestling ring, he doesn't like wrestlers touching him (and he definitely doesn't want them crawling on him!), and if they do so, he'll tell you what's gonna happen: they're gonna get smooshed just like this worm! You know what he means?

Kama, arriving with a gold necklace made from the Undertaker's urn, gets distracted by two Undertaker fans in the front row who have hung a black wreath over the railing. His opponent tonight is David Haskins, but his opponent at King of the Ring is Shawn Michaels. Haskins hits Kama from behind as he is distracted once again by the Creatures of the Night, but Kama quickly recovers and toys with his opponent, yelling at him to fight back. As Lawler and McMahon exchange foot puns about Lawler's "footage" of his match with Aldo and Jerry being Bret Hart's "arch enemy," Kama finishes off Haskins with a Maneuver (belly-to-belly suplex). The Supreme Fighting Machine then argues with Taker's fans, who sit there silently as he slaps their wreath off.
Before commercial, we see Mr. Fuji and Owen Hart cheer Yokozuna on as the 641-pounder downs a bowlful of rice backstage.

Man Mountain Rock plays his own entrance theme, but not on his trademark WWF logo guitar. Instead, he is playing a minimalist-designed ax with an extremely small head and no tuners on the neck. Bob Cook is Rock's opponent tonight, but he falls victim to the Whammy Bar within a minute, submitting and giving Rock yet another quick submission victory. Does Rock have conditioning issues or something? Because his entrance is longer than his matches. Bob Backlund is said to be backstage and ready to confront Man Mountain Rock.
As Mr. Backlund searches for Man Mountain Rock's dressing room, he finds his guitar, dropping it on the floor and kicking it (an accident, claims Lawler) before launching into an awesome promo about the dangers of rock and roll. "I can't stand people that play these kinds of instrument and put this kind of mean, evil things in their minds! The Crawling Stones! Frozen Tea! Rolling Rock! You are the people that have had a deleterious effect on our society! And it's all garbage!" Backlund then falls as he throws a trunk on the guitar. I just bet Rock is glad he didn't bring his WWF guitar tonight!

Now it's time for the debut of a team that's going to propel the WWF into the future, the legendary Tekno Team 2000. Troy and Travis arrive in matching silver jackets and tights, while their opponents, Mike Khoury and John Crystal, wear matching cut-offs. The Tekno Team 2000 impress the audience with their, uh, height. They're much taller than the other two guys. The team of the future bores the audience with wristlocks and arm bars until finally breaking out some double-team moves, such as the double leap frog, a Maneuver (#2) that serves absolutely no purpose. Eric "Troy" Watts, manages to get caught in the opposing corner but fights off the double-teaming with an ugly double clothesline that Vince mistakes for a Tremendous Maneuver (#3). Chad "Travis" Fortune tags in to execute a sloppy stereo spinning heel kick with Troy. Travis pins Khoury with a flying body press that Vince calls a "Beautiful Maneuver" (#4), concluding the worst Raw debut of 1995 until Avatar's this fall.
Man Mountain Rock sits backstage, mourning his beloved guitar, which doesn't look in all that bad a shape except for some broken strings. "It was an accident!" chimes in Jerry. Rock vows revenge on Backlund, which he would never get due to getting fired shortly after.

Yokozuna makes his way to the ring with Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji while Vince announces that Razor Ramon was injured this past weekend, an injury that will ultimately cost him his spot in the tournament. The injury? "Real bad ribs!" Lex Luger arrives with special guest flag-bearer, wrestler Scott Antol, better known as Scotty Riggs. Who better to carry Old Glory than an American Male? Yokozuna and Lex Luger take turns waving their country's flags in order to demonstrate the size of their peni-- I mean, patriotism. Yokozuna quickly slams Lex, but Luger moves out of the way to avoid Yoko's elbow drop (first signaling to do so by raising and dropping his foot on the mat). Luger puts Yokozuna into an armbar and winding up "the wrist area." Yoko responds with a "forearm to the chest area." Luger retaliates with ten turnbuckle smashes, leading Vince to wonder whether Yokozuna is now "Locozuna" before the mammoth falls to the outside. Vince worries what Yoko could do to Razor's real bad ribs. Yoko gets put in the corner but shoves Lex off him, attempting a leg drop only for Luger to move out of the way (after dropping his own foot on the mat, of course). Rather than capitalizing on the big man's fall, Luger stands there and then argues with Mr. Fuji, only to be ambushed by the former champion.
After the break, Lex Luger elbows out of one of those interminable nerve holds that Yoko uses during commercials. The American Original attempts to knock over Yokozuna with multiple clotheslines and flying axe handles before finally felling him with a flying clothesline. Luger looks to be seconds away from victory, climbing to the top rope for one final blow, but sixty-year-old Mr. Fuji chops Luger's flag-bearer (whom Vince had already established as a fellow wrestler), prompting Luger to drop everything and come to the rescue of his fallen friend and retrieve the American Flag. Luger snatches the flag back and returns it to his wimpy friend, only for Yokozuna to slam Lex's head on the ring post and drop a leg on him. The former champion beats the never-champion by countout. The audience is horrified at the lack of respect for the United States, its society, and its flag, especially the boy in the Malcolm X t-shirt.

Next week, Vince tells us, the crappy tag team of Tatanka and Sid will take on the crappy tag team of Fatu and Sione. Jerry Lawler finally shows off his training "footage," consisting of him walking around in a horse stall.
Want more "footage"? We see highlights of Jerry Lawler's match on Superstars with Aldo Montoya in which the King piledrives Jock-Face for the victory, then forces the Man-O-War to kiss his royal feet. Lawler replays that clip over and over again.

Final tally:

4 Maneuevers (Year total: 100)

1 comment:

  1. "I just bet Rock is glad he didn't bring his WWF guitar tonight!"

    Yeah, dude, me too.