Thursday, January 17, 2013

Raw #77 - September 12th, 1994

Monday Night Raw returns tonight for the first time in nearly a month after one recap episode of Summerslam hype, Summerslam itself the next Monday, and a pre-emption on the USA network for the U.S. Open of tennis. "Tennis anyone?" asks Vince. "No, I don't think so!" Tonight's episode is from Lowell, Massachusetts, and a lack of the word, "Live" suggests that this episode was taped a month ago after the previous episode. The real Undertaker, who had not made his return at Summerslam as of this taping, wrestles Kwang, according to the new blue Raw graphics.

Kwang comes to the ring to face Paul Bearer's Undertaker, who had a staredown earlier in this taping with Ted DiBiase's Undertaker (Brian Lee) in a non-televised segment. Howard Finkel announces him as "the one, the only, the Undertaker" despite the fact that another Undertaker had already wrestled Lex Luger earlier on this night. Macho Man says that Harvey Wippleman likes to shop in the boys' department at Woolworth's. I'm not sure whether this is a height joke or a pedophile joke, but Vince McMahon says that Harvey is glad that school is back in session, so I'm assuming it's not the latter and that Wippleman just hates crowds.
The crowd gives loud, sustained cheers for the Undertaker, perhaps excited to finally see an Undertaker taller than 6'6". Taker delivers a scoop slam, which McMahon erroneously calls a powerslam. Kwang then kicks the Undertaker through the ropes to the outside and spits red mist into the air. The Undertaker steps onto the apron and snaps Kwang's neck over the top rope for a Nice Maneuver (#1). He delivers a shot to the "throat area," then walks the ropes as Savage reminds us that there is only one man who can do that, and we're looking at him. Perhaps he has already forgotten that the Fake Undertaker did that same move. Taker then charges at Kwang, but misses whatever move he is trying to do; it's honestly a mystery what is going on in this spot. Perhaps we had better get Leslie Nielsen on the case again. Whatever the story, Kwang baseball slides Taker out of the ring.

Kwang dominates the Undertaker throughout the break (yes, this sort of thing actually happened in 1994). Taker charges Kwang in the corner, but the Puerto Rican ninja responds with a Maneuver (#2 - kick to the face), then clotheslines the Dead Man over the top rope. The Undertaker lands on his feet and re-renters the ring to choke Kwang. Vince speculates that we'd see a look of shock on Kwang's face if he didn't have that mask on, rather than a look of Savio Vega. Kwang spits green mist at The Undertaker, who is unfazed. Taker spits the mist back in Kwang's face, which is really disgusting, then chokeslams the Boricua for the three-count. Paul Bearer brings the urn into the ring to celebrate, but not the gigantic urn with the flashlight inside he debuted at Summerslam, creating a continuity error. Vince mentions that the Undertaker will face Yokozuna on the Hart Attack Tour in a casket match.
Jim Neidhart comes to the ring with Owen Hart, who is not wearing the WWF championship belt and thus possibly spoiling the results of Summerslam for the audience in Lowell. His opponent is Tim McNeany, who gets jumped in the corner by the Anvil  before the bell. Owen threatens Bret Hart to the camera, vowing that Jim Neidhart will show him what for. McNeany lands on his back on the outside after being thrown from the ring by Neidhart, who is scheduled to challenge for Bret's title on the upcoming Hart Attack tour. Spoiler alert: he doesn't win it. Neidhart wins by submission with a Painful Maneuver (#3) that Vince correctly identifies as a camel clutch and not a Boston crab. The Anvil humbles McNeany with the camel clutch once more, allowing Owen to put his sunglasses on the jobber and snap them in his face... twice!

The Toddster announces a match for next week between Jerry Lawler and Duke "The Dumpster" Droese. We also see a clip from this weekend's Superstars, where The King popped Dink's balloons. I smell a Survivor Series match coming up between Jerry Lawler and his Knights against Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, Doink, and two or three other embarrassing wrestlers. Nah, I'm sure Vince has something even stupider in the works for Doink and the King at Survivor Series.
Jerry Lawler welcomes us to The King's Court, where the host has a note in his hand from Jack Tunney asking him to apologize to Doink and Dink, two clowns who can dish it out but can't take it. He invites Doink and Dink onto the show as guests. Jerry tells the clown that most people would look stupid in those clothes, and Doink is one of them. Doink, who now talks with a New York accent, responds by asking Jerry Lawler whether he got his crown from Burger King. He should have just pooped in it like everyone else did in early 1993. Lawler refuses to "stoop" to making height jokes about Dink (Get it?). Doink offers Jerry Lawler a present that comes in a box a little too big for a pie. Doink says he really wants the King to have the present, so he'll even open it himself. It's a trash can. I thought it would be another midget clown. If it were a midget clown inside a trash can, then this segment might be salvaged. The King decides to kick the trash can and hurts himself because Doink had the forethought to put 50 pounds of weight into the can on the off chance that Jerry would try to punt it.

Next up are the new tag team champions, Shawn Michaels and Diesel, who won the titles the night before Summerslam (when Diesel lost the title to Razor Ramon-- funny how it works out that three Clique members end up with titles). The fact that Diesel does not carry the IC belt with him on this night should give the Lowell audience an idea of how his title match at Summerslam would turn out. They face Tony Devito and Paul Vandell (whom Vince doesn't refer to as "Paul Vandal" in keeping with his reference last episode to "Nick Barbarian," otherwise known as Nick Barbary) as the audience chants Diesel's name (no, not "Kevin Nash," but "Diesel."). Vince explains the lack of tag team title belts at ringside by saying that they are being steam-cleaned (rather than still in the possession of the Headshrinkers, who would have the titles for another 13 days after this taping before dropping them to Michaels and Diesel). This title reign with Diesel, by the way, is Shawn Michaels first WWF tag team title reign. Michaels counters a Telegraphed Maneuver (#4) when he puts a neckbreaker on Vandell, who had ducked his head down for a back body drop. Michaels tags in Diesel, who executes a brand-new move in his repertoire -- instead of delivering a side slam, he delivers a jumping side slam. He then jackknifes Vandell and tags in Michaels, who jumps off Diesel's shoulders for a splash a la The Headshrinkers. They then pose sans belts.
Next, we see a clip from Superstars involving Bam Bam Bigelow and Adam Bomb. Macho Man can feel the "nucular fission" as he speaks. This past weekend, Ted DiBiase laid down an open challenge for Bam Bam, which was answered by Adam Bomb. The announcers weren't sure whether Bomb was going to sell out to the Million Dollar Man, but the two came to blows. A brief skirmish ensued between the extremely agile tall man and the extremely agile big man, both of whom would be jobbed out and gone from the Federation in little over a year. Adam Bomb is in action next, as indicated by the on-screen graphic showing Bomb striking a fabulous pose.

Adam Bomb enters to take on Duane Gill. One of these men will hold WWF gold (and for 15 months at that). The announcers talk about Macho Man's performance at a recent charity softball game between WWF Superstars and a team led by Chicago DJ Mancow. Bomb hits a side slam (which Vince calls a sidewalk slam) before whipping Gill to the ropes and ducking for a Clever Maneuver (#5). Gill falls to the outside, only to be rolled back inside and hit with a clothesline by Bomb, who launches himself over the ropes. Adam finishes off the future Light Heavyweight Champion with a pumphandle drop.
The Bushwhackers are in the ring for some reason to take on Barry Hardy and Bert Centeno in preparation for their big match on this weekend's Superstars with Well Dunn. Luke rubs Butch's head rather erotically before the bell. Hardy gets the early jump on Butch, who stumbles right into a right hand by Centeno. The Bushwhackers mount a very silly comeback involving bites to the derriere while the striking Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz continues demonstrating in the crowd. The New Zealanders clean house with double clotheslines before Macho Man reads promo copy  for the USA World Premiere Movie, Incident at Deception Ridge. Hilarity ensues when Barry Hardy gets knocked onto his own partner, leading one Bushwhacker to cover him while the other started counting to three. "Bushwhackermania's running wild!" says Savage to spite Hulk Hogan.

Before Luke gets the pinfall on Centeno, Randy apologizes Lex Luger for doubting him when it was in fact Tatanka who sold out to the Million Dollar Man. What exactly DiBiase accomplished by lying to everyone and saying he had bought out Luger is beyond me; he didn't fool Luger, who knew that he hadn't sold out, and he didn't fool Tatanka, who knew all along that he himself had sold out. Legend has it that this whole angle was created by Vince in response to his indictment for steroid distribution to show that even the most virtuous of people can be falsely accused. While that sounds absurd, it's the most plausible explanation to date for that insipid and tiresome storyline.
Next week, Jerry Lawler faces Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, "Bitter" Bob Backlund (that nickname wouldn't take off) has a special interview, and Lex Luger and Yokozuna are both in action.

Final tally:

5 Maneuvers (Year total: 103)


  1. Good article, as usual; enjoyed the observations about Doink and how ridiculous the character had become by then. By the way, there's a slight typo; "sell put" should be "sell out".