Thursday, January 10, 2013

Raw #75 - August 8th, 1994

This week's Raw begins with Ted DiBiase's Undertaker in action. Ted's 6'6'' version of the Taker faces the formidable competition of Butch Banks. McMahon insists that this Undertaker vs. Undertaker match would be a one time only event. That's a relief; too bad the guarantee wouldn't apply to Kane.

Vince summarizes The Million Dollar Man's recent acquisitions and potential accomplishments come Summerslam. He may have bought out Lex luger, and his team of Bam Bam Bigelow and IRS could win the tag team titles at the August PPV. Vince asks Macho who he thought the person in the show's cold opening was, being operated upon by doctors who stopped surgery at 9 o'clock to watch Raw. Savage guesses that it was the producer of the Goodwill Games, a dig at Ted Turner's Olympics alternative. I was hoping he would say, "Hulk Hogan, 'cause I hope he dies! Dig it!?" Taker chokeslams Banks and pins him by crossing his hands over his chest, making sure not to do the Undertaker's hair flip, which this version of the Taker did in his debut match, exposing his face.
We see a vignette of Leslie Nielsen "on the case" trying to solve the mystery of the Undertaker. After appearing in front of a number of green-screened scenes, he ends up at a literal dead end. That's the punchline. Another mystery Nielsen could solve, suggests Vince, is whether Lex Luger has sold out to the Million Dollar Man.
Continuing the summer's most tiresome story line, Lex appeared on the Heartbreak Hotel this weekend to once again deny that he has sold out. Shawn Michaels, though, thinks that he has. One of those two is wrong, but who? Buy Summerslam to find out! Lex walks down the aisle, but Ted DiBiase follows him out, so Luger gives him this look like, what the freak bro?! Riveting.
Luger's opponent tonight is Chad Miller, not to be confused with the Bushwhackers' Butch Miller, not to be confused with Butch Banks, who wrestled in the opening match. Luger works over Miller, who bears a resemblance to TL Hopper, with arm bars and hammerlocks, then finishes him off with a steel-plated forearm for the pin.

The number-one contenders for the tag-team titles, Bam Bam and IRS, face the Four-Times-Defeated Native American Tatanka (having lost to the Fake Undertaker this summer on Superstars) and Doink. Macho Man says that he has to hurry up and buy tickets to Woodstock because there are only 90,000 left. Sounds like Wrestlemania VII at the L.A. Coliseum.  Irwin charges Tatanka, who moves out of the way for the first Nice Maneuver of the night. He then grabs Irwin's tie and snapmares him with it. Doink tags in, but misses an elbow that allows IRS to tag out. Doink traps Bigelow in a drop toe hold and puts him arm bars and hammerlocks. Tatanka tags back in to continue to work over the big man's arm, then hits a cross body block for the 1-2-He got 'im-No he didn't. Bigelow pulls the Native American out of the ring by his tights with a Maneuver (#2).
Back from break, both men attempt a flying body press and collide in mid-air. Savage says that he's never seen that before, even though it has happened on at least one earlier episode. Doink  and IRS tag in, allowing the clown to take it to the tax man. The referee gets distracted by Tatanka, allowing Bigelow to enziguiri kick Doink and allow IRS to level him with a clothesline. As IRS gets the 1-2-3, Vince explains that "that was the Write-Off." It's never a good sign when the announcers have to explain not just what a finishing move is called, but that the move is in fact the finisher. Every time IRS does his finisher, everyone assumes it's just an ordinary clothesline until the opponent inexplicably doesn't kick out. After the match, the heel team beats down Tatanka until Lex Luger enters, causing Bam Bam and IRS to flee. This is all going to make soooo much sense when we find out that Tatanka has been allied with the Corporation the whole time.
A human female wearing WWF

Bob Backlund enters the ring in a sweatshirt reading, "Bacon Academy." I find it hard to believe that Backlund would eat a meal so full of cholesterol. He offers his hand to Kenny Krueger, who refuses. The former WWWF champion rides Krueger, celebrating each small victory as if the match is being scored on points. A loud "Boring" chant infuriates Backlund, as does the "We want Bret" chant. Backlund ascends the ropes to shout down the fans before slapping the chickenwing crossface on his jobber opponent for the victory.
Next week, the 123 Kid will face Owen Hart in a King of the Ring rematch, while Jerry Lawler will have both Paul Bearer and Ted DiBiase on the King's Court. Lex Luger is seen rushing into the Million Dollar Man's dressing room, where he yells at Nikolai Volkoff. With all the angry screaming Lex is doing, Tatanka barges in again and naturally assumes that Lex has sold out.
"I love what ICO-PRO has done for your pectorals!"

Final tally:

2 Maneuvers (Year total: 95)

1 comment:

  1. Great update, but the following phrase was a bit strange; "and puts him arm barks and hammerlocks"