Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Raw #90 - December 12th, 1994

Bob Backlund opens tonight's Raw ranting about extinguishing Doink for besmirching the fans in a sea of hypocrisy. In response, Doink tells Mr. Backlund in his New York accent that he has an amateur background, as well. Tonight's Raw emanates live from Liberty, New York, with Vince and Shawn Michaels on commentary again.
Backlund comes out in his Sandow-esque robe, while Doink doesn't come out at all, opting instead to send Dink in his place. Shawn wonders what would happen if Backlund put the chicken wing on Dink. The answer: a five-star match. Doink sneaks up from behind, crawling out from under the ring to trip the former champion. Vince mentions that Backlund is upset that Bill Clinton fired his Surgeon General, Joyce Elders (after she suggested promoting masturbation as an alternative to teen sex). Vince says that she is still President of Bob Backlund's fan club; I'm not sure what the connection is between her and the former champion, and I don't think I really want to know. Bob and Doink exchange amateur wrestling moves while Shawn promises to tell Bob Backlund everything he knows about Diesel. Backlund very slowly escapes from a head scissors, making for about fifteen seconds of a very awkward picture of the two wrestler. Backlund sucker-punches Doink, then starts working the the arm of the clown, who grabs the ropes to escape various holds.

After the break, the action isn't moving any faster, and Backlund goes right back to working the arm. The action has taken such a toll on Doink that his leotard has ripped, leaving him without his red faux-trunks, only the blue tights underneath. If only that would happen to Well Dunn. That their thongs would tear off. That is, that they wouldn't be wearing their thongs any more. Come on, you know what I mean: they would have their regular tights on still. Shawn Michaels, meanwhile tells Vince that with his GED and his momentum in the WWF, he has a future so bright, he has to dress like a prostitute. Doink breaks up Bob Backlund's offense with a High-Risk Maneuver (#1 - flying body press), picking up a two-count. A small package and a backslide yield yet more two-counts on Backlund, but a missed elbow drop leaves him vulnerable to the chicken wing. Though Doink initially evades it, Backlund clamps it on him completely and brings him to the ground, winning the match by submission. Backlund refuses to release the hold, leading Dink and several officials to panic. Backlund eventually releases the hold, but manages to avoid disqualification.
Shawn Michaels allegedly plays Acclaim's Raw video game, pinning Diesel. Vince McMahon then shills Coliseum Video's guide to the game, which tells players how to execute the secret mega moves put in the game to force players to buy the video tape.

Double J joins us from Las Vegas, his new adoptive home after Nashville refused to let him shine. Razor Ramon then comes to the ring to face Mark Starr. Shawn claims that Ramon's upcoming opponent Jeff Jarrett's album has sold so well it has gone gold already. Vince says that you can't find the album in stores anywhere; well, of course, says Michaels. They've all sold out. Razor catches Starr in mid-air... sort of. After dropping his enhancement talent opponent, Vince claims that Razor's knee is injured. How convenient. Starr then works over the Bad Guy's knee until Razor clotheslines his opponent, then delivers a back superplex followed by a Razor's Edge. Razor's knee held up for that one, and Ramon gets the pin. Vince thinks that Jeff Jarrett is no doubt watching and planning to target Ramon's knee in the future.
Jerry Lawler is in the ring for the King's Court, telling a kid in the front row that he's getting nothing for Christmas. At least he didn't run over Santa Claus. Lawler brings out his guest, IRS, who is accompanied by two druids this time. They are here to talk about pro athletes like Joe DiMaggio, Reggie Jackson, and Darryl Strawberry not paying their taxes. The biggest tax cheat, though, according to Irwin, is The Undertaker. He never explains how, though. Perhaps he illegally wrote off that flood light in his giant urn as a business expense. Irwin next week faces Lex Luger, who came to Adam Bomb's aid against Schyster two weeks ago.

A Hakushi vignette airs, but WWE has scrubbed it from this edition of Raw. Unfortunately, they left Aldo Montoya's match intact. His opponent is Nick Barberri, a jobber so low on the totem pole he doesn't even get his own jock strap. Shawn says that Aldo should have sold out to Ted DiBiase when he had the chance, while Vince warns HBK that he might face off against Montoya in the future. He won't. Barberri tries a Telegraphed Maneuver (#2) hoping to land a back body drop on the Man-o-War, but Aldo leapfrogs him. Aldo does his own bit of telegraphing when he tries to hit his opponent with a reverse monkey-flip and gets pulled to his feet by the waist. Fortunately, Aldo manages to use his momentum to run Barberri neck-first into the ropes, a Nice Maneuver (#3). Aldo then hits a plancha onto Barberri to the outside of the ring. Harvey Wippleman comes to the ring to get a closer look at Aldo Montoya, doubling the Wrestlecrap rating of the match. Speaking of which, Vince tells us that next week Well Dunn (with their manager Harvey Wippleman) will take on The Bushwhackers with Howard Finkel in their corner. It's a good thing Wrestlecrap.com doesn't exist at this point in 1994, as it would have quickly run out of bandwidth covering next week's Raw alone. Aldo hits a flying sort-of headscissors for the third Maneuver (#4) of the match. Shawn then makes the first on-air comparison of Aldo's mask to a jock strap, claiming to have had a "mask" just like that hanging in his high school locker. A flying bulldog wins the match for the Man-o-War. Wippleman gets in Howard Finkel's face again, threatening him not to get in his way next week and then shoving him to the ground. A promo for next week's Luger-IRS match airs, narrated by the Toddster.
King Kong Bundy waddles out next to the ring, accompanied by Ted DiBiase, to take on Bob Knight, who is neither the Indiana basketball coach nor one of Shawn Michaels's teammates  at last year's Survivor Series. Bundy knocks Knight to the ground, then yells at Vince to tell the audience how great he is. If only he had music career like Double J, then he could release an album titled to that effect. "I wouldn't say, 'great,'" says Vince, "but he is an awesome individual." Shawn then confuses the jobber in the ring with the aforementioned basketball coach before plugging his own advice column in WWF Magazine. Bundy starts climbing the top rope, sending his opponent scurrying to the outside before Bundy gets down and throws him back in. Vince informs the viewers that Doink the Clown is in "satisfactory condition" after being locked in the chicken wing by Mr. Backlund earlier tonight. Meanwhile, a pre-teenage boy holds up a sign reading, "Ping-Pong Bundey." It's a shame he spelled Bundy's name wrong, though, as rhyming "King Kong" with "Ping Pong" is some of the most incisive satire ever seen on Raw. You think I'm joking, but this is the same show that aired vignettes with a parody version of Greg Gumbel named, "Greg Gumball." A corner splash later, and Bundy pins Knight for a three-count, though the referee refuses to follow his orders and count all the way to five.

Santa Claus comes to the ring for the last segment of the night. I can't prove it, but the voice on Santa always sounds like Jack Tunney. he gives Shawn a replica of the WWF Women's Title belt, much to the Boy Toy's dismay. Just don't throw it in the garbage, Shawn, or you'll never get into the Hall of Fame. Vince claims that history has been made, although it would be Harvey Wippleman who would make history on a 2000 episode of Raw by winning the Women's title. Shawn feels ripped off and promises to get his "extremely attractive lawyer" on this case, referring to former Raw girl and current Connecticut state congresswoman Themis Klarides. Vince runs down next week's card, promising lumps of coal in the form of Bushwhackers-Well Dunn and Luger-IRS.

Final tally:

4 Maneuvers (Year total: 158)

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