Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Raw #87 - November 21st, 1994

It's the last Raw before Survivor Series, and team captains Razor Ramon and Diesel square off in the opening, non-title match. Razor steps out of Gorilla position and spends an awfully long time standing right in front of the entranceway. The Teamsters take advantage of this inexplicably long pose-down by attacking The Bad Guy from behind. "Razor Ramon being hammered," says Vince McMahon before that phrase would become a sick pun. Raw cuts to commercial as officials try to break up the five-on-one beatdown.

Back at the WWF studios' green screen room - I mean, ringside, Vince McMahon and Jim Cornette discuss the implications of this brawl. Cornette is highly entertained, while Vince wonders whether the match will end up taking place. Tatanka comes out next with Ted DiBiase, Jr.'s dad, The Million Dollar Man. During the entrance, Cornette explains that DiBiase has paid Cornette a lot of money to have the Heavenly Bodies take out the Smoking Gunns in the upcoming Million Dollar Team vs. Guts & Glory match. That still doesn't explain why Nikolai Volkoff and IRS couldn't get the job done; Ted's already got five wrestlers, so why does he need to make outside hires? The Devious Native American takes on Chris Kanyon, whose name is misspelled "Canyon" tonight. Well, that's not his real name anyway, so they can spell it any way they want.
The match begins after the commercial, with Jim Cornette continuing to praise the Teamsters' "full rear assault." Whether that choice of words has anything to do with Chris Kanyon being in the ring is a mystery. Tatanka wears down Kanyon with three bodyslams and two elbow drops. Vince reminds viewers that Tatanka is not representative of Native Americans as a whole in much the same manner as he would explain about Goldust and the gay community the following year. We get a shot of a fan with one of those limited edition Lex Luger commemorative plates they used to hawk in WWF magazine. Cornette explains that at the first Thanksgiving, the ungrateful Pilgrims didn't wash the dishes because "John Smith was too busy chasing Pocahontas around." Actually, John Smith was in Jamestown, Virginia (about a century after the Hispanic Christopher Columbus discovered America on behalf of the Queen of England). Tatanka clotheslines Kanyon, sending him spinning him 540 degrees to the ground. Kanyon then scores near-falls on Tatanka with a flying body press, crucifix pin, and sunset flip before the Native American swings the momentum back his way. Vince reminds viewers of the "mee-lay" that broke out during last week's tag match before Tatanka hits Kanyon with a tomahawk chop from the top and a Samoan drop to pick up the pinfall.

Adam Bomb of Guts & Glory comes to the ring next to take on Jason Ahrndt, who poses with his back turned to the camera. Cornette says that in Tennessee, they would call him "Jason Ain't." Vince struggles to understand. A mushroom cloud-like puff of smoke erupts during Bomb's entrance, prompting Jim to exclaim, "His head blew up!" "No it didn't," says McMahon. "Either that, or a bad case of dandruff!" Vince then assures the viewers, rather presumptuously, that Bomb does not, in fact, have any dandruff. Bomb chain-wrestles with Ahrndt before hitting with a snap suplex, a snap mare, and a snap hammerlock. Bomb hits a Nice Maneuver (#1 - Irish whip to the corner). Vince announces Bull Nakano's title win over Women's Champion Alundra Blayze in Tokyo last night. While Adam Bomb goes bananas, Jim Cornette explains that you too can go bananas watching the Planet of the Apes marathon on USA. Bomb wins with a pump-handle drop.
Vince and Jim then play Acclaim's new WWF RAW video game to simulate Wednesday night's Yokozuna vs. Undertaker main event. Vince as the Undertaker gives Yoko the Tombstone (which would never happen in any match), then uses his mega move to knock Yokozuna clear out of the ring. Jim accuses Vince of cheating, which he of course denies right before adjusting the Undertaker's stats on the player select screen (which requires a cheat code). McMahon then announces that the Razor-Diesel match will indeed take place tonight.

In the ring, we get yet another segment building to the midget match at Survivor Series. Jerry Lawler's King's Court features the Lawler's three dwarf kings and awful pun after awful pun about "shortcomings" and "measuring up." Dink squirts Lawler in the face with a squirt gun, then hides under the ring, leading Lawler to think that one of his kings spat on him. Vince whispers that Dink is hiding under the ring, as he is apparently worried that Jerry Lawler (who is in Bushkill, PA at the November 7th Raw taping) might hear him (while he sits in Titan Tower in Stamford, CT doing voiceovers on November 21st). While Lawler argues with his partners, Pink (who has red hair) shoots Lawler from the opposite side of the ring before Wink takes a shot. Doink shows up and sprays the kings with two water guns, but the look on his face suggests that he's not enjoying himself too much. Maybe he just now realizes that he is dressed in a clown suit and has hidden under the ring for hours so that he can spray water at four men dressed as kings. The four clowns celebrate as Jerry's Royal Family hides behind the throne.
IRS, who is not on the Million Dollar Team this Wednesday night, comes to the ring to warn the tax cheats in the audience that they still owe taxes after they're dead. Irwin faces Matt Hardy, who is wearing his "HV" (High Voltage) tights. Hardy nearly pins IRS with a sunset flip before Schyster takes him down with a double-underhook suplex. Vince claims that no one is as good a technical wrestler as IRS before the tax man hits his finishing clothesline to absolutely no reaction from the crowd. IRS pins Hardy for the victory.

Diesel comes to the ring with the entire Teamsters squad while the camera shows a number of fans holding signs in support of heels Diesel and Shawn Michaels. Razor runs to the ring, bringing his Bad Guys teammates along. After punching a number of Teamsters off the apron, Razor takes Diesel down, sending the seven-footer retreating to the outside. Diesel bounces back, hitting numerous punches and clubs to the back before choking him with his boot in the corner. He even busts out his head vice before shocking the world by putting Diesel in a sleeper hold. For learning that new move, Diesel deserves a year-long title run! Vince plays up the animosity brewing between Diesel and Michaels, who cost Diesel the IC title at Summerslam. Cornette puts over Diesel as a "thinking man's wrestler," which is far kinder than he would ever be to Kevin Nash in the future. Razor breaks out of the sleeperhold with a Nice Maneuver (#2 - belly-to-back suplex), a Beautfiul Maneuver (#3). Razor then charges at Diesel, but gets tossed out of the ring by Diesel just before the commercial break.
After the break, Razor attempts to mount a comeback, but gets tripped by Michaels, sparking a standoff between the two Survivor Series teams. Diesel steps out of the ring, but so does Razor, giving the big man a right hand. "That right hand on Razor Ramon will make your knees freeze and your liver quiver," says Cornette, before making light of musician David Crosby's liver transplant, suggesting that Ramon might steal the new liver (which would really come in handy in 2013). "I wonder if Corsby got onions with that liver?" asks Cornette. "How dare you!" says Vince, admonishing Cornette for ridiculing a serious medical procedure that wasn't JR's colon surgery. Diesel hits Razor with a side slam for the "1-2-and he gets him! No he doesn't. He does not!" before putting Ramon back into a head vice. Speaking of head vice, what ever happened to Crush? Diesel downs Ramon with a big boot as Vince discusses the various ways a person can be eliminated from the Survivor Series, including that "you can go over the top," forgetting that the Royal Rumble isn't for two more months. Diesel clubs Razor some more, then hits snake eyes as the two teams on the outside continue to tease a brawl. Diesel signals for the jackknife, but the IC champion reverses it with a back body drop, then gives the seven-footer a body slam. Double J steps onto the ring apron, only to get tossed into the ring y Razor in the same way that Lex Luger did to Jim Cornette at Wrestlemania. Does this mean that the referee will refuse to count Razor's pinfalls on Diesel? Razor sets Diesel up for the jackknife, which Jarrett tries to break up, only to be pulled out of the ring by Davey Boy Smith. Owen Hart climbs the top rope, but gets thrown off by Razor onto Diesel. Does that mean a disqualification of Razor for use of a foreign wrestler? All the men at ringside enter the ring for a schmozz, but Shawn quickly exits, leaving the brawling to his four teammates. Raw goes off the air without a single appearnace by Yokozuna, Undertaker, Bret Hart, or Bob Backlund, all of whom are in the "main events" at Wednesday's PPV.

Final Tally:

3 Maneuvers (Year total: 147)

1 comment:

  1. We'll be seeing Jason Ahrndt in a few years as Joey Abs of the Mean Street Posse.