Roxxi Laveaux on Wrestlecrap

Read my induction of my favorite TNA Knockout, the over-the-top voodoo queen from New Orleans, Roxxi Laveaux, into the annals of Wrestlecrap.

Figure Friday: Ahmed Johnson

Ahmed Johnson is famed for his unintelligible promos, massive weight gain, and frequent in-ring wedgies, but you can add one more accolade to that list. Ahmed was the subject of one of the most unrealistic action figures ever created.

This is Ahmed Johnson:


 

Raw #60 - April 25th, 1994

It's Raw episode #60, and How Much Does This Guy Weigh? post #100! The Macho Man opens Raw by telling Nikolai Volkoff to "come on down" a la Rod Roddy of the Price is Right. His mic isn't broadcasting over the PA, though, so Nikolai, who is Jerry Lawler's guest on the King's Court tonight, does not hear him. Razor Ramon, who defends the Intercontinental title this weekend against Diesel, faces Jeff Jarrett in a non-title match to open the show.

Raw #59 - April 18th, 1994

Monday Night Raw comes at you taped from the Utica Memorial Auditorium. The show opens with a replay of Jerry Lawler's mishap from last week, perhaps in an effort to promote a new "Bloopers, Bleeps, and Blunders" tape from Coliseum Video, which Macho Man references. This week's King's Court features the WWF's female wrestler, Alundra Blayze, who sits atop the Federation's one-person women's division. Also, Bret Hart faces off against Kwang in a thankfully non-title match, which leads Savage to suggest that he himself get a title shot.

Raw #58 - April 11th, 1994

After last week's disgraceful green-screening, Vince McMahon welcomes us to Raw, which emanates live tonight from an arena he is actually standing in. Macho Man is back on commentary tonight, and he's looking to burn Utica to the ground a la Michael Scott. Raw gets colored lights over the ring and a smoke machine tonight. Diesel comes down the aisle with Shawn Michaels to open the show. His opponent in this battle of the bodyguards is the wrestling superstar himself, Virgil.

The Genesis of McGillicutty

On today's Multiverse Monday, historians look back at one of the great speeches in the history of the English language.

Raw #57 - April 4th, 1994

Tonight's Raw is a night of firsts. It is the first time a cancelled Wrestlemania match will take place on the program, the first time a Wrestlemania rematch will take place, and the first time the announcers will appear at "ringside" via an obvious green screen. Vince asks guest commentator Gorilla Monsoon whether Earthquake will give Adam Bomb "The Big One" (referring to the Earthquake Splash, I hope). In an effort to completely throw any illusion of being "live" out the window, Vince asks for and catches a baseball thrown from off screen, supposedly signed by Cincinnati Reds owner and racist Marge Schott, and gives it to Gorilla. This is when Raw jumps the shark (for the first time).

Raw #56 - March 28th, 1994

Eight days after Wrestlemania X, the former champion Yokozuna's manager, Jim Cornette, is at ringside to commentate. He vows to tell the "unvarnished truth" on tonight's Raw. Lex Luger comes down to the ring to his new, less patriotic entrance theme, which sounds just like the beginning of "Eye of the Tiger," with a hint of "My Obsession."

Figure Friday: Tatanka

The story of the Tatanka action figure begins with the Texas Tornado. Kerry von Erich wore tassels on his boots when he wrestled in the WWF as the Texas Tornado. His action figure looked like this:

Don't let the Ultimate Warrior spoil your Thanksgiving

On the November 1988 edition of Saturday Night's Main Event, the Ultimate Warrior made this vow to his mysterious challenger and his manager. Why Japan's Mr. Fuji and Super Ninja would celebrate Thanksgiving in the first place, however, is never quite explained.

Raw #55 - March 21st, 1994

Tonight, for the first time ever, Raw is airing live the night after a pay-per-view, thanks to Wrestlemania X taking place in New York City. Tonight's episode is in Poughkeepsie, the new de facto home base of Monday Night Raw. The Macho Man is back on commentary after having defeated Crush last night (after nine consecutive losses in falls-count-anywhere matches on house shows). New WWF champion Bret Hart will be interviewed tonight.

Raw #54 - March 7th, 1994

With just two weeks left until Wrestlemania, tonight's Raw is the last before the pay-per-view. Ted DiBiase joins Vince on commentary, as he did at the Royal Rumble. DiBiase insists that he could by the kind of presentation Tatanka will get from the Lumbee tribe, but that some things aren't worth buying. Vince reminds him that the tax man will be here tonight in the form of Irwin R. Schyster, for the first time implying that a tax collector and a rich man would ever be at odds. Where were you two years ago when Money, Inc. was formed? Vince calls DiBiase's former bodyguard Virgil a "wrestler extraordinaire" (which is like a "Wrestling Superstar").

Survivor Series teams that never were

With another Survivor Series in the record books, it's time to take a glimpse at an alternate universe in a new column I call, "Multiverse Monday." This week, let's look at Survivor Series teams that never were, from a time period when the announcers didn't feel the need to call the elimination matches, "traditional" (meaning, "obligatory").

Team Harvey: Giant Gonzalez, Big Bully Busick, Sid Justice, Kim Chee, & Kamala

Raw #53 - February 28th, 1994

Tonight's Raw comes to you taped from Bushkill, Pennsylvania for its first-ever out-of-sequence episode, shot one month ago. The "Hall of Fame-bound" Randy Savage comes to the ring first to take on Yokozuna for the WWF title. Harvey Wippleman is on commentary tonight. Vince McMahon notes Yokozuna's hesitation to enter the ring, possibly as a psychological ploy against the Macho Man, who, according to McMahon, "does not like to wait for anything." A lesser blogger would suggest that Vince is referring to his daughter Stephanie's eighteenth birthday.

Raw #52 - February 21st, 1994

Monday Night Raw is live after a two-week absence due to the Westminster Dog Show. The show returns to the Mid-Hudson Civic Center and features the Macho Man back on commentary. Vince introduces him as "a man who one day will be in the WWF Hall of Fame." This, of course, is before Savage committed that unforgivable deed. You know the one I mean. Obviously, Vince is not going to let Savage into the Hall after he left the WWF abruptly to go to WCW. What did you think I was talking about?

Figure Friday: Giant Gonzalez and homemade wrestlers

As I explained in the Doink the Clown article, after Hasbro stopped producing WWF figures, toy stores were left with only the less popular figures that had yet to sell out. As a result, parents of the mid-90s had slim pickings when it came time to buy an action figure for their kids' birthdays or Christmas. That would explain how over the years my household acquired not one, but three Giant Gonzalez figures.

Raw #51 - February 7th, 1994

We start off the fifty-first episode of Raw with a recap of last week's events, which set up tonight's main event of Marty Jannetty vs. IRS. Joining Vince McMahon tonight is... Bastion Booger? I did not see this coming. Booger says he has some gas for Sparky Plugg, who makes his Raw debut tonight, and that, like "The Rocket" Owen Hart, he feels like he's ready to blast off. It looks like this week's theme is "fart jokes."

Raw #50 - January 31st, 1994

This week's Raw is the first one filmed after the Royal Rumble, meaning that they're finally going to advance the post-Rumble storyline. The Wrestlemania title picture will be decided by the flip of a coin, apparently one with Lex and Bret's faces on either side. Considering Luger's patriotic mega-push this past summer, I'm surprised that Vince didn't petition the U.S. Mint to actually put Lex on a real coin.

Raw #49 - January 24th, 1994

It's the first Raw after the Royal Rumble, so expect to hear the shocking results of Saturday's pay-per-view... that is, as long as the announcers aren't on camera. This episode was taped two weeks earlier, you see, so any would-be spoilers have been dubbed into the show in post-production. Lex Luger, who co-won Saturday's Rumble with Bret Hart, is in action first. Joining Vince on commentary this week is Jim Ross, who I predict will say the word "brudda" 35 fewer times than Crush did last week. This 49th episode of Raw is Jim Ross's first.

The lost Royal Rumble of 1994

It's a little known fact, and one that WWE will never acknowledge, that there have been more Royal Rumbles than the ones shown on pay-per-view or television. One such house show Royal Rumble took place on January 17th, 1994 at Madison Square Garden, just five days before the Royal Rumble PPV and occurring at the same time as a taped Monday Night Raw was being aired. Thanks to some bootleg camera work (which couldn't have been easy in 1994, given the size of camcorders of the day), this Rumble is preserved for posterity. After being traded on VHS for years, it has made its way onto the Wild West of video hosting sites, Dailymotion.

Figure Friday: Get Bent

The closest thing to standing these guys can do.

This week's Figure Friday focuses on the travesty that was the WWF Bend-Ems (Series I, specifically). These toys, manufactured by JusToys, were for people who tired of the old Hasbro line of wrestling figures and their pesky ability to be posed, to have their body parts moved without ripping apart, and to stand on their own. How bad were the Bend-Ems? For years, this would be Kevin Nash's only WWF figure, and it couldn't even do him justice in terms of replicating his move set.

Raw #48 - January 17th, 1994

It's the Monday before the Royal Rumble, and rather than have the standard pre-PPV special like "March to Wrestlemania," "Summerslam Spectacular," or "Survivor Series Showdown," the WWF is showing a regular episode of Raw. Thus, instead of a "Royal Rumble Rumba" or whatever they would call it, we have a Raw taped right after last week's episode.

Linda McMahon loses Senate race

Still, as much as we might want to keep McMahon out of the Senate and end WWE's censorship of its own Attitude Era footage, let's not forget the charitable side of the McMahons. Last week, WWE donated $1 million to Susan G. Komen, meaning that curing cancer is approximately 1% as important to them as winning a Senate seat.

The Other Kind of Politicking

WWE has had a long history of involvement in electoral politics, starting in 2000, when the Smackdown Your Vote campaign, aimed at registering young WWF fans to vote, was launched. The non-partisan campaign emphasized only the importance of voter participation, as well as legitimizing the then-World Wrestling Federation, a lightning rod for criticism, in the eyes of the mainstream media. Somehow, WWE has always managed to blow every opportunity to be taken seriously by the media and the politicians.

Raw #47 - January 10th, 1994

Monday Night Raw celebrates its first anniversary tonight, and what better place to do so than in Richmond, Virginia? Footage airs from last week of Marty Jannetty and the 123 Kid getting in Johnny Polo's face and getting a tag team title match. Tonight, the Quebecers defend against Marty Confetti and the Poster Boy for Pampers (Polo's words, not mine). The Macho Man's theme music plays, heralding the return of Randy Savage to the announce table.

Art0Donnell debuts on Wrestlecrap.com

Read my induction of the AWF on Wrestlecrap.

Figure Friday - Doink the Clown

If Hasbro had kept their toy line
going through 1997, they would
have given the Sable figure the same
finishing move.

Anyone who knows anything about 90's wrestling knows that the heel version of Doink the Clown was awesome. In fact, I believe that is a requirement for writing about wrestling online. Not only did he have a great gimmick, cool music, and solid wrestling skills, but he also had a unique action figure which, as far as I know, is the only wrestling figure produced with realistic hair weaved in (although Larry Zbyszko would attempt the same thing but in real life).

Raw #46 - January 3rd, 1994

It's a new year for Raw, and there's a new announcer in the form of Johnny Polo, who last week defeated Marty Jannetty with the help of Pierre. WWF Champion Yokozuna is in tonight's opening match, taking on Dan Dubiel. If you've been reading my reviews of Raw throughout the year 1993, you'll know that something very, very bad is coming for our jobber friend.