Raw #30 - August 16th, 1993

IRS is a butt-patter. He loves patting boys' butts.

Raw's big 3-0 comes to you from Poughkeepsie, NY, home of the second-rate Raw graphics and a population well over a thousand people, unlike Alexandria Bay, where Raw has been held the past two weeks. Ted Dibiase comes down the aisle of the Mid-Hudson Civic Center to avenge his upset loss to the 123 Kid. Neither Razor Ramon nor IRS are allowed at ringside tonight. DiBiase pounds the Kid from the start. Razor, who is on the phone, says that the 123 Kid has a few surprises for the rich mang. The Kid is silent on the offensive front until launching a series of body presses and quick moves on DiBiase a few minutes into the match. DiBiase quickly regains control, but gets caught with a top rope body press. The Kid then attempts the Very High Risk Maneuver (#1) again, but it pushed off the top rope by IRS. The Steiners, who face Money Inc. in a cage match next week at the Summerslam Spectacular special on USA, make the save and clear the ring of the rich mang and the tax mang. The 123 Kid wins by disqualification. Vince McMahon argues with Bobby Heenan, insisting that there are only two columns, a win column and a loss column, and that this match would be entered into the "loss" column for Ted DiBiase. Curiously, the WWF has never published any win-loss columns, anywhere, ever.

In the upcoming Bastion Booger-Marty Jannetty match, Bobby Heenan has "gotta pick Booger." However, the Headshrinkers are up next to take on the team of unknowns (even by enhancement talent standards) of Mike Khoury and Dave Moraldo. Vince makes reference to Elvis's death, which happened on that day in 1977. He also mentions that 7% of Americans believe Elvis is still alive, or approximately the same percentage of IWC fans who still think that Chris Benoit was innocent. After knocking out one jobber with a savate kick, Samu rolls him over to the corner and forces the other jobber to tag in. The Headshrinkers, who team with Bam Bam Bigelow to take on Tatanka and the Smoking Gunns, run wild over the Body Donors (my name for any team booked into a squash against the Samoans). Vince and and Bobby exhibit their skills of clairvoyance, mentioning both Brahma bulls and the St. Valentine's Day Massacre in the space of a few seconds. Afa starts speaking to the camera in English, despite never having done so on TV before, and even refusing to speak English when it could have saved him from jail. Fatu finishes off the jobber in black with a top rope splash.


Mean Gene's Summerslam Report, brought to you by Chevrolet (which sounds a bit too French for this most patriotic of events), runs down the final Summerslam card, including the new matches of Marty Jannetty vs. Ludvig Borga, the Steiners vs. the Heavenly Bodies for the tag team titles, and the aforementioned IRS vs. 123 Kid, Razor Ramon vs. Ted DiBiase, and Tatanka/Smoking Gunns vs. Bam Bam/Headshrinkers. That last match was supposed to be Tatanka and Sherri vs. Bam Bam and Luna Vachon, but Sherri Martel left the company before the feud could develop. 

Bastion Booger takes on Marty Jannetty, whose tassel-adorned outfit looks like it was run over by lawnmowers (which would explain the Ultimate Warrior's ring gear, now that I think about it). The Man of a Thousand Maneuvers hesitates to get into a test of strength with Booger, but he manages to overcome the big man by Outmaneuvering (#2) him, running proverbial circles around him. He continues Outmaneuvering (#3) him by floating over him in the corner and bodypressing him. He even hiptosses Booger, which is what Lex Luger did to Yokozuna, if you believe Heenan and Fuji. Jannetty mounts the top rope and drops the axe handle on Booger all the way to the arena floor. Such High-Risk Maneuvers (#4) will be the key to Jannetty's success against Ludvig Borga at Summerslam. Marty grounds Bastion in the ring, slamming his arm against the ring post.

Absolutely disgusting. It's disgusting that WWE
still hasn't revived its line of ice cream bars.

Bastion Booger has managed very little offense against the much smaller Jannetty until the big man flings him into the ring post, sending the former Intercontinental Champion spinning. The former Friar Ferguson (Triple F) tosses Jannetty around in the ring. When the former Rocker attempts a sunset flip, Booger drops down on his chest for the seeming three count, only for Jannetty to pull him over (quite late, actually) for the pinfall. "Winners never quit, and quitters never win," says Randy Savage, which is true. Marty has been fired countless times by WWF, but he's never quit.

Only one of these men will ever be a world champion,
or even win another wrestling championship at all.

Money, Inc., who take on the Steiners in this same arena after the show at the Summerslam Spectacular, step in to the ring for an interview with Vince McMahon.  DiBiase vows that Razor Ramon will pay the ultimate price at Summerslam. That's a bit excessive, Ted. IRS stumbles over his words, at various points hinting that the Steiners' mothers won't make it to Summerland as tag champions. Speaking of mothers, MOM will be in action after the commercial break.

Men on a Mission come out to a drum track later re-used by the WWF in 1995 for PG-13. They take on the legendary team of Barry Horowitz and Iron Mike Sharpe. This Thursday's USA movie is "Outrageous Fortune" starring Bette Midler. Mom smashes their opponents, with Mabel scoring the pinfall on Sharpe.

 

Vladimir loves MOM.

Lex Luger's next series of questions will be on drugs in sports and anabolic steroids. No punchline needed. Luger admits to "experimentation" with drugs in the past, then flatly denies taking steroids at the moment. "Emphatically, absolutely no" are his exact words. This VHS rip I'm watching must be from a satellite feed that sent out Luger's interview live, because the WWF production team hasn't added the laugh track yet. He also knows for a fact that there are no steroids in the WWF now (well, Hogan was gone by now, so that's not the most ridiculous thing he's ever said). Luger's drug tests, after all, never showed the presence of steroids in his system, although there was a surprising amount of Visine in his urine. Mr. Pfohl explains that in the past, he did use, but not abuse, steroids in the past, just like the Ultimate Warrior claims to have used, but not abused, steroids. He says that it's a great feeling to be able to show kids that you can have a great physique without anabolic steroids. I must say how proud I am of drug-free Lex Luger leading all those little kids on the Lex Express tour to believe that there's nothing abnormal or unnatural about having a monstrously jacked-up body that looks like it's about to explode if you take your T-shirt off. If only Scott Steiner could have toured along with Lex to spread the good news.

Bam Bam Bigelow faces Rich Myers of the prestigious Baltimore Jobbers Club (which also includes Barry Hardy and Duane Gill). Myers, who is briefly identified on the screen as "Bam Bam Bigelow," slaps a headlock on his opponent, only to be lifted high in the air for a belly-to-back suplex. Bigelow splashes Myers in the corner as Heenan praises Luna's scalp a la George Costanza. Macho Man, who has been promising a surprise all night, guarantees something electric coming up next. My guess is the debut of Fred Ottman in WCW next month. The Beast from the East headbutts Myers from the top rope and pins him for an easy squash victory.

 

After Raw returns from break, Macho wastes no time presenting his surprise. Unfortunately, it's the Macho Midget (again). This time, he's brought with him an entourage of ladies, including Themis Klarides and three new Raw girls. Before the Nitro Girls, before the Godfather, there was the Macho Midget.


 

Buns.

To close the show, we are treated to the music video for "Summerslam Jam" from Wrestlemania: The Album. It features clips of all sorts of WWF Superstars who aren't even booked for the event, including Doink, Randy Savage, Men on a Mission, the Bushwhackers, Crush, Kamala, Jim Duggean, and Papa Shango. The highlight of the song and video would have to be the Macho Man saying, "Slam Jam, thank you ma'am." Bret Hart follows this up with the declaration that "The Hitman bends, but the Hitman does not break." I hear Pat Patterson planned to have Steve Lombardi sing that line.

Final Tally:

4 Maneuvers (Cumulative total: 191)