Raw #28 - August 2nd, 1993

Episode twenty-eight emanates from "waaaay upstate New York," Alexandria Bay. Vince and Bobby are at ringside, but not Randy, who is competing tonight against Doink, who last week appeared with two other Doinks in the Manhattan Center. Randy tells us he is "jacked up and pumped up to the max" in Alexandria Bay, "land of a thousand islands." Too bad Raw would stop holding shows here once Vince found out that the Land of a Thousand Islands was actually just the Land of Ketchup and Mayonnaise Mixed Together. Macho Man promises a "little surprise" for Doink.

The Steiner Brothers, who have put out an open contract for a shot at their tag team titles at Summerslam, take on the team of extraordinary jobbers, Duane Gill and Barry Horowitz. Themis Klarides, the Raw girl, waves miniature American flags, "perhaps out of deference to the one and the only, the American original, Lex Luger." I would imagine so; every time I see the American flag on display I immediately assume that it's in honor of Larry Pfohl.

 

Scott Steiner opens the match with a Nice Maneuver (#1), hiptossing Horowitz. So far, we have a 1:1 moves-to-maneuvers ratio. Steiner then hits Horowitz with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex, prompting Vince to shout, "Trouble in River City!" Okay, false alarm about the Smoking Gunn's finisher being called that; apparently, it's just a new catchphrase of Vince's. Bobby Heenan notes that the Steiners never put any holds on their opponents, but instead merely pick them up and toss them around. Immediately, Scott puts a Boston crab on Barry. Rck Steiner tags in and backs Horowitz into his own corner, allowing a tag to Gill. Scott tags back in to pumphandle-slam the future Gillberg before hitting him with the Frankensteiner for the win.

Another interview of Lex Luger, the second in a five-part series, airs, with Lex stressing the importance of academics, school choruses, straight As, and self-esteem. Luger never asked a girl out on a date in high school, but he would later live happily ever after, dating Miss Elizabeth. Let that be an inspirational lesson to all of you kids out there. He was considered arrogant in school because he excelled at sports but was shy; he would later overcome this perception of being arrogant by posing in front of mirrors for the first six months of his WWF career.

 

Sadly, an endorsement deal with Atomic Fireballs
never materialized.

Adam Bomb comes to the ring with Johnny Polo, who is sporting a lacrosse stick this week, to face Tony Roy. Next week's Raw will feature the official contract signing between Yokozuna and Lex Luger. When The Brain recalls that at Yokozuna's last in-ring contract signing, he Banzai Dropped Bret Hart, Vince asks him if he expects another "mee-lay" (melee) to break out. Vince plugs the new USA world premier movie, "Marilyn and Bobby: Her Final Affair." Bobby Heenan insists that he and Marilyn were just good friends. "Monroe?" asks Heenan. "I though you were talking about Quayle." Bomb hits Roy with a Maneuver (#2), suplexing him forward onto the top rope. It's a good thing I looked at it, as Vince suggested. McMahon is in disbelief as Heenan tells him that Johnny Polo is a great athlete. Adam Bomb hits a clothesline off the top rope and finishes off Tony with the Atom Smasher.

"Hey, Bob Backlund got glasses."
-Bobby Heenan

Doink rides a unicycle to the ring to face Randy Savage. WWF missed a great opportunity to form the tag team of the Dynamic Doinks, with both clowns riding unicycles to the ring. Well, maybe just one clown riding a unicycle and the other just carrying one. Macho, who has been wearing an American flag suit ever since the Fourth of July, enters the ring to take on the less-ridiculously-dressed Doink. Savage has dedicated this match to Crush, whom Yokozuna put out of action and whom Doink called a "Pineapple Head" earlier in the year. Randy Savage checks under the ring, perhaps for extra Doinks, before the match starts.
 
Doink angers Savage in the early going of the match, prompting Randy to get one of those plastic non-folding chairs at ringside. Savage, however, who is dressed like Captain America, gets stopped by the referee, and Doink continues to hold the advantage. The clown slaps on a Boston crab, using the ropes for leverage. When Earl Hebner checks the ropes and sees them shaking after Doink has let go, Doink explains that he was just blowing on the middle rope, and that's why it's vibrating. Actually, that last part does not actually happen, but I'm surprised no heel has ever used that excuse on a ref. Hebner eventually catches Doink with his hand on the rope, forcing him to break the hold. A Telegraphed Maneuver (#3) by Doink, an attempted back body drop, allows Macho Man to mount a comeback, whipping Doink to the corner, which Doink reverses but follows up with a missed corner splash. Nice Maneuver (#4) by Savage, moving out of harm's way. Savage then knees Doink to the outside, but the clown rams the Macho Captain into the ring post.

 

Vince calls Randy Savage "unquestionably a future WWF Hall of Famer" as he escapes a neckbreaker-like hold by Doink. The clown hits a dropkick on the "future Hall of Famer," then mocks the Macho Man by twirling his finger. Vince calls this contests a "high stakes match," which Heenan explains means that the winner gets full custody of Todd Pettengill on WWF Mania. Reverse that stipulation and you might be able to make sense out Vince's claim of "high stakes." An abdominal stretch on Savage gets reversed into a hiptoss, but the former champion still gets cornered and taken down into a chinlock by Doink. The clown climbs the ropes but misses the cannonball. However, he recovers and throws Randy to the outside. Savage crawls under the ring, but out the other side comes a midget dressed in full Macho Man gear and a grotesque Randy Savage mask. The distraction by the dwarf allows the Macho Man to roll up Doink for the win. The Macho Midget bites Doink's rear end, leading Savage and the midget to celebrate in the ring. If you think that this midget is the downfall of Doink tonight, you don't know the half of it. The Macho Midget is played by none other than Claude Giroux, the French-Canadian little person soon to be repackaged as Dink the Clown, Doink's "wacky" sidekick after the clown's ill-advised face turn.

 

"Or buy a Toyota and burn the American flag
while you're at it!"

Mean Gene brings us the Summerslam Report, which is sponsored by Chevy, and promotes the upcoming pay-per-view in Detroit, which features "Made in the USA" Lex Luger versus the evil Japanese champion who criticizes American products. I'm starting to understand the motivation behind this whole patriotism angle. A new match is announced, an IC title match between champion Shawn Michaels and Mr. Perfect. Also, in an important update, we find out that Harvey Wippleman still doesn't know what the hell a "Rest in Peace" match is. 

Whenever Raw's not in the Manhattan Center, this graphic airs.

A phone call from Ted DiBiase recaps the events of this past weekend's Wrestling Challenge, in which Ted lost in an upset to the 123 Kid after a distraction by Razor Ramon. Afterwards, an unknown man with glasses and a tennis racket comes to the ring. Bobby Heenan rushes to the ring and gives a big hug to Jim Cornette of Smoky Mountain Wrestling. Heenan hails Cornette as the greatest manager in wrestling history. Cornette hypes the Heavenly Bodies, consisting of the Doctor of Desire Tom Prichard and "Gigolo" Jimmy Del Rey, who seek to take up the Steiner Brothers on their open contract for Summerslam.

 

Cornette stays at ringside and joins Vince and Bobby on commentary. McMahon, who has just seen a midget dressed as Randy Savage dressed as an American flag bite an evil clown's butt, calls this the most ridiculous thing he's ever seen. Mr. Perfect takes on Timonium, Maryland's Barry Hardy, who normally teams with fellow Baltimore-area jobber Duane Gill. Perfect pushes Hardy into the corner, but Hardy responds with a hiptoss and then swats his own wad of gum. Not amused, Perfect puts the hurt on Barry Hardy with a series of chops. Cornette makes a number of jokes about Vince McMahon's toupee, which in 2007 would turn out to be his real hair. Mr. Perfect, annoyed at Barry Hardy's imitation of him, strips off the jobber's Hennig-like singlet. Jerry Lawler has not yet started at the commentary booth, so we get no screams of "Bra and panties! Bra and panties!" Perfect then perfectly calls for the Perfectplex, which he perfectly executes perfectly for the perfect pin.

 

Vince McMahon announces the birth of Hacksaw Jim Duggan's daughter, then plays the music video for Hacksaw's hit tune, "USA," featured on Wrestlemania: The Album. The Simon Cowell-produced song consists mostly of a Hacksaw promo and a repetitive chorus of "USA! U-U-U-USA! USA! Hoooo! Hoooo!" Another highlight is the lyric, rapped by Duggan himself and repeated four times, "Hacksaw Jim Duggan b-b-b-beats people up!" We close the show with another short clip of the #1 contender for the title touring the country on the Lex Express. Next week will feature Mr. Hughes vs. Tatanka and the first appearance of the Heavenly Bodies.

Final tally:

4 Maneuvers (Cumulative Total: 184)