Raw #155 - April 15th, 1996

It's the WWF's first Tax Day in years without IRS! Tonight’s undercard has a “one half of tag teams” theme, with Bart Gunn of the Smoking Gunns taking on Steve Austin, and Leif Cassidy of the New Rockers facing Marc Mero. The Wildman enters with new valet Sable, who is decked out in leather. Mero celebrates by doing the Batusi. “Hunter Hearst Helmsley, eat your heart out!” says McMahon. HHH would have the last laugh, marrying Vince’s daughter and thus gaining control of the whole company. “I never thought she was that hot-looking to begin with,” says Lawler of Sable, two years before going nuts over her body-paint “bikini.”

Vince refers to Leif Cassidy as “The New Rocker,” although “The New Marty Jannetty” would be a little more accurate, since Marty hasn’t advanced beyond his old “Rocker” gimmick in the past four years and has now brought in a clone of himself with the same gimmick and ring gear. Lawler continues to rag on how ugly Sable is, while Vince says, “talk about a classy lady” about Sable, who, I remind you, is wearing a low-cut, skin-tight leather body suit. Marc Mero shows Leif Cassidy “wrestling technique and Maneuver [#1].” Mero wrestles (or “rustles”) circles around Cassidy, and Sable does the Batusi in approval. Speaking of knockers, Cassidy retreats to the outside, prompting Mero to give him and Marty a double noggin-knocker. Jannetty later gets a cheap clothesline in on the Wildman to Vince’s disapproval. “Notwithstanding their athleticism,” says McMahon, “you can’t deny their dorkish attitude.” For the next few months, I’ll have to keep a running tally of the number of times Vince describes Sable as, “classy” and The New Rockers as some variation of “dork.” So when Vince chastises their “dorkish, goofy behavior,” that’s three total for the Rockers, Leif having been called, “Dorky” a few weeks back. Somehow, Leif manages to avoid being called the D-word when he says to the camera, “I love being a Rocker! I love it!”

Lawler calls Sable “a jinx” bringing bad luck to Mero, who is at a disadvantage after the commercial break. Time will tell if that’s true, says Vince, who would be sued three years later by Sable for sexual harassment. “Put the sack back on,” says Lawler on the ugly, ugly Sable, whom Vince calls, “the classiest lady I think we’ve ever seen out here on Raw” (unlike, say, Helen Hart. That whore). Mero applies a comical head scissors takedown for a baffling Maneuver (#2), then knocks Leif down on the outside with a somersault plancha. A High-Risk Maneuver (#3 - sunset flip) off the top rope secures a victory for Mero. On the phone from Germany, Diesel claims he was just coming to the ring to talk to Shawn last week until HBK attacked him. Their title match, as per Diesel’s request, is now no holds barred.

Steve Austin takes on some Texas redneck. This weekend on Superstars, Austin was upset by the mysterious Caribbean Kid, a friend of Savio’s who took on Stone Cold after the Million Dollar Champion refused to wrestle Savio Vega again. Who was under the Caribbean Kid mask? I don’t know, but my guess is Kwang. Bart Gunn, whose partner Billy is recuperating from a horseback-riding injury, has control over Austin in the first few minutes until Austin tosses Gunn over the top rope. Austin, a “devastating athlete,” then delivers a Devastating Maneuver (#4) in the form of a clothesline. Both men tumble over the top rope as Raw goes to break.

Austin is still in control after the break until Bart hits a baaaack body drop and series of punches. He then mounts the top rope for a High-Risk Maneuver (#5), dropping down to the second rope to deliver the Maneuver (#6 - flying body press) for a two-count. Dibiase trips Gunn, serving as a distraction, but Gunn soon rolls up Austin with a schoolboy, then a small package. Gunn slaps on a sleeper hold, but falls victim to an early version of the Stunner, a Devastating Maneuver (#7). Since it’s not his official finisher, though, he follows it up with the Million Dollar Dream for the victory.

Vince is in the ring with Vader and Jim Cornette. Vince wonders what will happen when Vader faces Razor Ramon, who has not been seen since being suspended and has not been mentioned on Raw at all since challenging Goldust in February. Cornette says Razor will be finished after In Your House, which is true as far as the WWF is concerned.

As Goldust makes his entrance, Vince calls him, “weird,” while Jerry Lawler says that he and Vince are a “pretty weird” pair: “I’m pretty, and you’re weird.” Vince takes the opportunity to go on a bizarre, lengthy, and rather homophobic tirade about Lawler dressing up in a wig, pink makeup, and a feather boa. This copy of Raw is from Sky Sports, which has edited out Goldust’s aggressively gay antics, such as groping his opponent or rubbing his butt on his crotch, instead inserting shots of the crowd. Goldust flees to the aisle after Savio chases him out. “Savio Vega must contain himself,” says Vince, unaware of any sort of sexual innuendo involved in that phrase. One thing Sky doesn’t edit out is when Savio smacks Goldust right on the fanny — that’s the American meaning of “fanny,” not the British one.

After the break, Savio attempts ten punches but gets interrupted. Jerry Lawler thinks Savio could win if he just covered him, but Vince actually disagrees. Goldust downs Vega with a butt bump, then sensually applies a camel clutch on “old Burrito Breath.” Lawler is unaware that burritos are a Mexican dish, not Puerto Rican. Or maybe that Savio is Puerto Rican, not Mexican. Or probably that Puerto Rico and Mexico are two different places. Savio gets back on his feet and attempts a back body drop on Goldust. The champion kicks him in the face, as Vega “telegraphed that Maneuver” (#8). Goldust then gyrates over Vega’s face too long, and nearly gets rolled up for the three count. He then foolishly goes to the top rope, thinking it’s 2014 and not 1996. What was he going to do, a spinning huracanrana? He gets crotched, then eats a stiff — wait for it — thrust kick by Vega. What a Maneuver! (#9) Savio tries to superplex Goldust, but hesitates too long in order to slap Dust’s butt (twice). Goldust blocks the suplex attempt, then kisses Vega on the lips, sending him falling to the canvas somehow. Vince tries to pass off the conclusion of this most homoerotic exchange as a bite. Goldust then launches off the top rope, but hits Savio’s boot with his face. After some rope-running, Savio accidentally knocks over the referee, allowing Marlena to slide in the belt to Goldust. With Tim White trying to wake Earl Hebner, Dust swings and misses, and Savio whacks him in the face with it, covering him for the three count and winning the Intercontinental championship. Tim White, however, awards the match to Goldust by disqualification. Gorilla Monsoon, who is once again interim President, decides to vacate the IC title until Savio and Goldust face off in a rematch next week.

Footage airs of Bret Hart after Wrestlemania’s Iron Man Match, telling the camera men to “get oat” of his dressing room. He then drove off shirtless. Speaking from Germany (where he is wrestling on tour), Bret is frustrated about the outcome of the match. In fact, “frustrated” isn’t the godda— oh, sorry, wrong promo. He says the match was supposed to be 60 minutes, not 62, referring to the overtime period, and that if there were to be an overtime period, it should have happened right after the sixty minutes, rather than after the bell had rung and he had been forced to relinquish the Sharpshooter. He isn’t interested in wrestling for any other organization, he says.

Final tally:

9 Manuevers (Year total: 60)

2 dorks (Year total: 3)

2 classies