Raw #63 - May 16th, 1994

Welcome everyone to Mon-day-Night-Raw! Tonight is the sumo match between Earthquake and Yokozuna, the only such match the promotion would put on for 11 years. Bam Bam Bigelow takes on Thurman Plugg (his friends call him "Sparky") in a King of the Ring qualifying match.

Luna gives us a half-moon. Check out Sparky's big package!

Bam Bam shoves Sparky through the ropes to the outside at the outset of the match. Thurman retaliates with a Maneuver (#1 - shoulder block) that Vince calls a "slingshot," followed by the best dropkick in the business. We see a replay of the dropkick on the Double Feature, which sends "Bam Bam to the floor floor," in the words of Randy. Bigelow follows up with a Maneuver (#2) of his own, catching Plugg's body press and slamming him to the mat. After a succession of NASCAR metaphors (including "time trial," "pedal to the metal," "put him through the wall," and "five-car collision"), Bigelow hits a dropkick (but not the best in the business). Vince praises Plugg for his "galiant" effort, but the race car driver kicks out, continuing the match. Randy advises Thurman to "take a pit stop" and "change tires, if you will" as Bam Bam continues dishing out punishment with a series of falling headbutts. A missed charge to the corner allows Sparky to hit a bulldog on the dazed big man, followed by a flying body press. A small package, or "very big package" in Savage's words, by Sparky fails to put Bigelow away. Bam Bam hits a Devastating Maneuver (#3), launching himself over the top rope for a headbutt to put away Sparky. Bigelow advances to the tournament for the second straight year, taking on fellow KOTR alum Razor Ramon. You didn't think that Sparky Plugg would make it to the King of the Ring tournament, did you? No, that would have to wait until next year, where he would face The Roadie in a tournament ultimately won by Mabel. Man, 1995 is gonna suck.

Diesel, who will challenge WWF champion Bret Hart for the title at the King of the Ring pay-per-view, faces Mike Maraldo, better known as Ace Darling. Diesel choketosses Maraldo over the top rope, then plants him with a big boot inside the ring. He then puts Ace in a bearhug, followed by a side slam, incorrectly called a sidewalk slam by Vince. Vince speculates about Diesel walking out of the King of the Ring with both singles titles; hopefully Jack Tunney won't strip him of the Intercontinental title like the Ultimate Warrior if he does. Diesel beats Maraldo with a jackknife.

A guy pumping gas explains his recent Undertaker sighting, in which he saw the Dead Man riding on top of a hearse. He was so distracted, he said, that he spilled gasoline all over him. This sighting, by the way, took place in the recent past, yet he is once again pumping gas into his car. 90s cars must not have been very fuel-efficient.

Jerry Lawler hosts the King's Court, leading Vince to question whether he is really a king. No, Vince, I don't believe the United States has kings. Your suspicions are warranted. Lawler talks about Roddy Piper wearing a dress; he got drafted into the army at age 18, so he dressed up as a woman to get out of service. Piper is from Canada, by the way, and not subject to the draft. The King's guests tonight are Ted DiBiase and his latest "purchase," Nikolai Volkoff. "If ignorance is bliss," says Lawler, Volkoff "is Mr. Happy." Not only did Lawler use that same joke a few weeks ago with Alundra Blayze, but "Mr. Happy" is the name Weird Al Yankovic used for John Bobbit's penis in the song, "Headline News." Volkoff, when asked by DiBiase if he likes his boss, replies, "I hate you!" The Million Dollar Man gives his trademarked laugh. DiBiase makes Volkoff change clothes in the ring (which is not as sexy as it sounds), giving him new ring gear suitable for an employee of the Million Dollar Man. A jacket with the flags of the USSR and USA isn't good enough for him, eh? DiBiase hands Nikolai some new trunks and tells him to "put 'em on," perhaps in reference to the fight scene in They Live. He then points out that the Russian flag on Volkoff's jacket is out of date (even in 1994), then gives him a tuxedo t-shirt with a cent sign on the back. He sure puts the "nickel" in "Nikolai." Vince laments the indignity suffered by such a great former Olympic lifter, "much like Mark Henry of the United States of America today." "At least he looks like he's got a little cents now!" says Dibiase before cackling, which is immediately proceeded by the pre-recorded cackle of his theme music.

That's "Property of Million Dollar Man" plastered on the butt of Volkoff's trunks. I hear Pat Patterson gave similar tights to Steve Lombardi.

Owen Hart wrestles Tony Roy, not to be confused with Raymond Roy, who wrestled last week. Vince announces inductees into the WWF Hall of Fame, greats such as Gorilla Monsoon, Buddy Rogers, Freddie Blassie, Chief Jay Strongbow, and James Dudley. One of those things is not like the others. Owen Hart pulls off some Maneuvers (#4 - flips and somersaults) to escape a wristlock. With Roy in a chinlock, Vince makes Randy read a promo for Broadcast News on USA. Tony Roy tries to dropkick on Owen, who stops short (you are probably noticing a pattern in Raw matches in recent weeks) and puts him in the sharpshooter for the victory. Savage calls him the "Man of 1000 Holds" before Owen talks to the camera, then hits a spinning heel kick on Roy after the match and puts his Hitman glasses on the jobber, which he then snaps against his forehead.

Next is a vignette for Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, who apparently sleeps in a garbage truck, which is not only extremely dangerous, but implies that Duke is extremely poor and homeless.

John Tenta could not advance to the highest level of sumo competition because he refused a skin graft to cover his tiger tattoo. He would, however, change it to a shark for a brief run as "Shark" in WCW.

Earthquake faces Yokozuna up next, but next week on Raw he faces Owen Hart in a KOTR qualifier. The ropes have been taken down for the sumo match. Howard Finkel struggles to explain the rules, which entail that the match ends when a competitor is pushes to the mat or out of the ring. Macho Man mentions that the loser of this match will "lose face" (not literally). Savage says that Yokozuna is looking serious, which gives Vince an opportunity to squeeze in another pop culture reference, this time to Roseanne, who is "serious" about divorcing Tom Arnold again. Both men come to the ring in kimonos with buckets of salt. As the two men pose and throw salt into the ring, Macho Man tries to revive the old Raw slogan, but Vince follows his "uncooked" with "unkempt," before the two complete the motto with "uncut," "uncensored,"  "unreal," and "unbelievable." "Kototenzan" and Yoko meet in the center of the ring and squat, then stare each other down and retreat to their corners. They do this about four times in total. Vince makes some Art Donovan-like comparisons of the wrestlers to football players. The two sumo wrestlers, or rikishi, finally collide, with Yokozuna nearly being pushed off the ring. The two then meet in the center of the ring and grab each other's sumo thongs. Yoko pushes Quake closer and closer to the edge of the ring as Vince wonders what he can do to counter the Maneuver (#5). Quake pushes Yokozuna back to the center of the ring, and nearly turns the tables on the Samoan. Yoko then gets pushed to the edge of the ring, has his arms shoved away by the Canadian, and is finally pushed to the mat and out of the ring. Savage celebrates in the ring with Earthquake. Yokozuna has lost face, says Vince. And you though Shawn Michaels losing his smile was a tragedy!

Yokozuna has lost face.

Earthquake, who is undefeated since his comeback, faces Owen Hart in a King of the Ring qualifying match next week on Raw.

Final tally:

1 Uncut, uncensored, uncooked (Year total: 2)

5 Maneuvers (Year total: 70)